My Point (and i do have one)
Wed. 03.24.04 - 6:14 p.m.

Feeling: hopeful
Listening: moving on - rascal flatts
Quote: "Surround yourself only with people that are going to lift you higher"

A few days ago, in the middle of a discussion about relationships and such, a friend of mine made the comment that I come across with the opinion that Ethan is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I�ve been thinking the past few days about that statement. It�s sort of what inspired my entry a few nights ago. It got me to thinking. It�s why I wanted to take a break from everything. It�s why I haven�t had any *real* diary entries the past few days. It�s why I haven�t really talked to any of my friends lately either. I felt like I needed to reflect.. and try to figure out HOW I could start bettering myself. On the few occasions that I have had a conversation with someone, it was in an effort to get a different point of view. Something I felt I couldn�t provide myself. I had a conversation with Rho this morning in which I feel I was able to walk away from with a lot of insight. Finally, I�m able to put everything that I�ve been feeling and thinking.. in words. Hopefully this will be the last time I�ll have to broach this subject. I'm tired of sounding like a naive little kid with a school-girl crush. I'm so beyond that.

When I was told that I held Ethan in such high regard, I denied this. My friend asked me if I could choose the best person out of my past encounters with men.. who would I choose. I said Ethan.

I tried to tell him that it didn�t mean that I thought Ethe was the best thing that ever happened to me.. it�s just that he�s the best out of the group I had to pick from.

Now that I�ve had time to think about it, I feel bad that i answered, Ethan. How unfair am i to only remember good things about Ethe and no one else? In the case of Y, I seem to only remember the last few weeks (which were bad). I mean, while our relationship wasn't the greatest at the end.. he WAS good to me in the beginning and fairly there for me throughout our relationship. I'm kind of ashamed that i answered Ethan. It cheapens what i had with Y. I keep concentrating on the fact of what Ethe meant to ME. When i broke up with my ex, i left the relationship thinking several things.

1. i refuse to settle for less than what i want or deserve ever again.
2. i need a LOT of space from men right now. I need time to think and reflect and change the way i look at things.
3. when i AM ready i want it to be with someone who cares enough about me to want to spend time with me, adores me, values my opinions and genuinely cares about what i have to say and what i do.

I made several mistakes that very same day; most of which i'm paying for now. the first, i trusted someone i shouldn't have trusted so easily. i fell for someone when i KNEW i wasn't ready. I hate to say this but maybe i was vulnerable and despite the fact that i said i needed space, i also wanted to believe that everything i had been hoping for not even 24 hours earlier had just been handed to me.

I'm not saying it's not possible to get what you want.. but it wasn't right in the way that it came to me. The swiftness in which it did. And the person that it came from as his future actions would come to show.

In retrospect: it's a classic case of being 'on the rebound'. it's VERY hard for me to admit that.. i'm still finding it hard to type it but it probably is true. I was in need of someone at that time.. and Ethe came along, recognized that and used all his knowledge of me to give me what he knew i wanted in exchange for what *he* wanted. whatever THAT is, i dunno. the same thing i used him for? Companionship? Affection? Attention? *sigh* i don't think he's a bad person. i REALLY don't. but i also think that he's not honest and he never will be with me. I don't know why that is but it's just like something else Rho said..

The fact that they won't change has nothing to do with you or the fact that they want to hurt you...this issue is them and not you.

Something else that I�m embarrassed about? The values that I find to be important and sacred.. I was willing to set aside for some person who continuously lied and hurt me all because I cared about them.

That�s not right.

I try to be a respectable, honest and caring person full of grace and integrity. I expect people to treat me the way I treat them. If someone doesn�t find those values important enough to practice.. why am I allowing them into my life? Why would I want someone in my life who mainly serves to hold me back from continuously developing into a better person?

"Actions speak louder than words."

You can talk all you want, but it�s your actions that will prove the type of person you are in the end. This is something I need to remember as well. I can say I want change.. but until I actually do it, I�m just as bad. Also, people lie. The only way to REALLY know how full of integrity a person is, is if they are a person of their word. Do they do what they say. Furthermore, of course you have to trust people but once they break their word.. it�s no good after that. �no matter how fluffed up the positive is�, in the end, they�re still a person that has lied and in Ethe�s case, CONTINUES to lie. Why did I allow someone to continuously break their word to me EVEN THOUGH every single time they made a promise, I KNEW they were going to break it anyway.

This is what I have been thinking about for days now. WHY have I been behaving like a foolish inexperienced masochistic victim? Why do I do the things I do when I know that no good will come of it.

I�m not the most brilliant person on the planet.. but I�d like to think that I have a fair amount of intelligence. I know enough about life and human behavior to be able to differentiate between good and bad and assess the situations I place myself into. I�ve realized, as someone told me once, that by now I�ve had a million �aha! moments�. Perhaps the reason that has prevented me from turning them into constructive life-altering aha! moments is because there's another part of me that comes into play.

The part that can never seem to let go of people. It�s like I got this idea in my head that once someone enters my life.. they�re supposed to always be there. That you�re SUPPOSED to find a way to deal with them whether or not you like them.

That's something that i've been trying to figure out the last couple of days.. why i do that. If you don't like a person.. WHY keep allowing them into your life? i mean, i'm not just talking about Ethan here i mean with everyone. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day.. about my ex-boss.. and she goes "why are you still helping her? she's screwed you over so many times and she doesn't value you like you should be valued yet you still help her. there are time where we've all just wanted to go up to you and shake you and ask you what are you thinking."

I found it funny that she was telling me this, when I had been on this quest to figure out why I let people hurt me. I had the idea that I did this just in romantic relationships. Apparently I do it with friendships as well. I told her what I had been thinking; that I�ve been trying to figure out myself why I�ve been so willing to allow people to use me. I asked her, as someone that knows me, if she could tell why I do that. She simply said it was because i try so hard to see the good in people. That no matter how much they screw me over I still try to see the good part in them.

I thought that could very well be part of it. I also know this isn�t something I haven�t tried to figure out before. In fact, I�ve tried to pinpoint it not too long ago. I thought I had. Maybe the fact that I still do it means that I haven�t, though.

At the risk of sounding horribly over analytical, here�s some of the things that have been bouncing around my brain the past few days..

1. i grew up feeling like i was always judged. wrongly. i also grew up feeling like i screwed up at everything. i've always felt like i have no right to judge anyone and maybe this is an extension of that. that no matter how badly someone screws up.. it's not my place to pass judgment.

2. unconditional love. it's part of #1 i suppose. but i guess i felt like i never got much of that other than from my grandparents.. but still, if a child feels like they grew up without unconditional love from a parent.. it doesn't matter where else they get it from, something will always be missing. And i guess i learned early on that i never wanted anyone else to feel that way. it's partly due to having felt like i grew up judged by others as well. that no matter how much people screw up, i will still accept them and care. i won't turn my back on them

3. i thought of this not too long ago actually but apparently i forgot it somehow. there's a thing i do where no matter how much someone hurts me.. i keep going back for more. is it because i'm hoping they'll change? that eventually they'll see that i'm good enough for them to stop hurting me? is it an attempt for me to try to be accepted?

this isn't a reason but just something i was thinking of after a conversation with my friend Shawn. she said, "find a guy that loves you more." the idea being, if he loves you more.. you�ll never feel like you have to "worry." it's kinda upsetting to have to think that way. i mean, you should be able to trust your partner. but in a way, that statement is true. IN THAT, if you find a guy that loves you more (especially in my case- a person that tends to care A LOT about people) then you won't feel like you're not getting enough love or attention.

but yeah.. so i guess that's partially why i have this attachment to ethan. because i KNOW deep down.. i dont love him. that i just have this (ugh i hate to say this) *need* to be loved intensely. and he makes me feel like he cares more than i care for him BECAUSE i know that it's nothing more than co-dependency.

Something else my friend said today that struck a chord with me.. was about unconditional love. It got me to thinking that I need to be more selective in who I choose to allow into my life.. and even more, into my circle of close friends. For someone who finds closeness sacred.. I sure don�t reflect that in the way I allow anyone to get close to me. Perhaps I�ve confused this with having the �aloha spirit.� Of course I will continue to accept people into my life (as long as their intentions are honorable) but I need to be more selective about who I accept into the more personal aspect of myself. I need to learn that IT�S OK to do that.

Hmm.. A disturbing thought just occurred to me. What if the reason I only remember the bad things about Y is because I�m trying to justify breaking up with him.. because I feel bad. I feel bad for giving up or possibly hurting him. And what if I only remember the good things about Ethe is because if I thought about anything else I�d see just how messed up the whole situation is. That I�m a dumbarse for having put up with all of his bs. That when it comes right down to it, there�s a payoff. Unfortunately, at this point in my life I want attention. I felt like I didn�t get it for so long. Then Ethe happened and he knew just how to give it to me. And I knew this. I KNOW this. And that�s why I keep going back for more. That�s why I enable him. Because I want the attention and even though he lies and hurts me, the payoff is still worth it.

Except it isn�t.

I think I get that now. I don�t think I got that before. No matter how many times I said I was over it.. in the back of my mind I KNEW that I still wanted that. That payoff.

I�m tired of doing stupid things though. I�m tired of being reckless and carrying out unhealthy relationships. I realize I can�t change overnight but I also have to start changing AT SOME POINT.

So maybe I should make this point now.

What it comes right down to, is this. I should know what I�m worth. I should know that I�m worth more than broken promises and lies. I should know that there�s no point in having people in my life who are only going to hurt me. I should know that I�m missing out on reaching my full potential by associating myself with people that drag me down. I should know that I don�t seem like an intelligent person if I do things that I know will harm me but do them anyway. I should know that there are people in my life that genuinely care about me and I�m insulting and frustrating them by allowing other people with destructive tendencies into the same circle as those who actually belong there. I should know that the basic values I uphold should also be upheld by the same people I consider to be my friends. I should know all this.

Lets find out if I DO know it.

Analysis complete.


P.S. The following list of entries are REALLY important ones that I think I need to keep fresh in my mind along with this entry. It�s for that reason that I�m listing them here.

Fact of Life 12.06.03
Be Brave! 12.18.03
Walk this way 12.19.03
Broken Promises 12.21.03
Lessons of the Heart: The Greatest X-mas Gift Ever 12.24.03
My Personal Independence Day 12.25.03
Rock Star 12.28.03
Reckless 12.31.03
2003: Lessons Abound 12.31.03
Introspection 1.04.04
Too Little, Too Late 1.07.04
>>Loveworthy? I think Not! 1.07.04
You can say that again 1.08.04
Why a Daughter Needs a Dad 1.12.04
>>Boy Trouble 1.13.04
>>Getting There 1.15.04
>>I Loved Him Because 1.22.04
It's time something changed 3.20.04
Epiphany 3.21.04

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