Rock Star
Sun. 12.28.03 - 7:46 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

I just got off the phone with my best friend. I guess she and her boyfriend are having problems.. she's basically almost at the point where i was with my ex right before we broke up. It's times like this i wish there was a bridge between hawaii and california. I'd drive there in a heartbeat. ugh.

It's odd to listen to someone talk whose shoes you were in not too long ago. I understood and felt every word that came out of her mouth. I tried to give her some sound advice.. pulled it from my own experiences lately. I got her to stop crying, assured her that everything was going to be ok. Set her up with a game plan. heh. Me and my wacky fetish for plans. Seriously though, she'll be fine. It's good to hear someone tell you that you helped them, though. The best was when she said that she was so thankful that i'm her friend. ugh. god i'm so thankful she's my friend too. we've been through so much- i've known her since the second grade.. we shared the same dorm room in our first year of college. It's funny with old friends.. how you can lose touch, not talk for months.. and when you get together again, it's like you were never apart. I guess friendships like that are rare. i have a lot of friends.. and as close as i try to be with all of them, there are just a few who are extremely close to me, know almost all of my secrets. And even though i've been a horrible friend by avoiding them all lately, they still send me supportive emails asking "are you alive?!".

I don't know why the avoidance, though. I guess i feel like no one knows, or no one understands. Or maybe i just feel like my issues are unimportant.. i'd hate to burden anyone with my childish nonsense and unimportant problems.

The me tonight, that talked my friend through her troubles, that's the me i remember. That's the me i want back. The one always in control. The one everyone goes to because she has her head on straight, she knows what she's talking about. The one who always has a smile on her face, even when she's not feelin it so much on the inside. That's the me I remember. Not the me now, who feels like her life is spiraling out of control but fails to take hold of it all. The me who has been crying over some man she only knew for a little over a month who managed to lie to her and break her heart in the process.. that me, i don't like.

It's funny though, he actually pointed it out to me(even though i already saw it, but was trying to ignore it). It was the other day that i talked to him, and in the middle of a crying fit, he said "this isn't you." And he was completely right. It's like i got carried away with my feelings for him.. i was searching for stability and comfort.. and after finding him, latched on for dear life and turned into this dependent needy person who i have to admit, absolutely repulsed me. That me, i'd can't get rid of fast enough.

Every day though, I see myself one step closer to becoming my old self again.. but an improved old self. The one who has more experiences under her belt. The one who knows a bit more about life and love through those experiences. Ugh i love that me! I'm so happy with the me that i see myself becoming again. She rocks. =)

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