Epiphany
Sun. 03.21.04 - 5:16 a.m.

Feeling: stupid, for lack of a better word
Listening: silence
Quote: No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.

So much for that plan of sleeping through the night. It's 5 am and i've been up for well over an hour.

So i was thinking..

Why is it that i cant seem to pull myself away from him. why's it so hard. of course there's this whole unhealthy dependency thing we got goin' on.. but WHY. Why am i participating in that.

I was laying in bed and thinking about it.. and started to think, well, what do i know about relationships?

Ok, i know what i've come to regard as the "idea" of a healthy relationship.. through my own thoughts, reflections on past experiences, countless talks with friends, etc.

And then there's what i know about relationships.. through my actual experiences.

I'll admit i haven't had much in the way of experience, myself.. so let's include all of the experiences i've ever been exposed to as well. The most important being.. my parents.

My mom loved my dad. He cheated on her. Over and over again. Throughout their entire relationship (about 18 years). She fucking took him back EVERY SINGLE TIME. I always told myself that i'd never repeat their mistakes. I'd never expose my children to that, i'd never hurt them, i'd never allow someone to disrepect and hurt me (and my children) that way.

I don't have children, but i sure as hell have put up with a LOT of disrespect and hurt, haven't i?

I think i've done pretty well with not repeating my parents' mistakes. But this, yeah this really sucks. Why'd i have to pick THIS to be the thing i repeated. goddamnit.

So then i started thinking harder.

You can't use your parents as an excuse for everything, right. What about all of the OTHER relationships around you. I mean, you loved your grandparents dearly.. they were amazing. Why didn't you pick up THEIR behavior?

think think think.

Don't you dare lie, casey.

think think think some more.

umm.. ok so maybe i've been trying to hide from the fact that i know (and i've always known) that my grandparent's marriage.. although they REALLY loved eachother and it was a fairly healthy relationship... i grew up with the knowledge (towards the last 7 years of her life anyhow) that grandma wasn't happy. Most of it wasn't anything to do with grandpa but some of it was.. especially that last year.

Do you remember what it was that made her feel that way, casey?

yeah.

what was it.

she felt like he didn't care enough.

And there you fucking have it, folks.

Of all the relationships i've ever been exposed to, ESPECIALLY THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT ONES, the women always felt like they never got enough from their partner.

I grew up hearing all the time "men suck, they're selfish, blah blah blah"

I remember getting really mad whenever i heard someone say that. I told myself that everyone was just unhappy with THEIR partner. That didn't mean that ALL men were like that.

So maybe that's how i developed this idea that if i ever found someone who could love me just as much, if not more than i loved them.. that i'd better hold on tight. Because that was a pretty rare thing.

Big fucking mistake.

It's thinking like THAT that has gotten me to where i am. I spent 4 years in a relationship that should have only lasted about 1. I've put up with SO much crap from Ethan because for once in my pathetic little "dating" career, i felt like someone LOVED me. It was the first time that i was able to actually SAY that someone loved me. Seriously. With Y, if you had ever asked me if he loved me.. i would have said "yeah i think so." Funny how the person that actually DID love me, i can't admit.. but the person that didn't really love me, i'm quick to say cared about me more than anyone ever. That's pretty messed up. That and the fact that because i created this illusion that he loved me, i was willing to forget every promise he ever broke. Every lie he ever told. Ever tear he made me shed. BECAUSE HE LOVED ME.

What was that quote?

"No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry."

*sigh*

I'm sitting here at 5 in the goddamn morning feeling like the biggest asshole (not to mention, idiot) in the world because not only have i spit in the face of every step toward progress i've ever made.. but i also kinda annoyed a friend of mine last night. And it bothers me a lot to be quite honest. It's the reason i cant seem to sleep. I hate having people upset with me. I also hate coming across as an idiot. Again, more disparity between what i SAY and how i ACT.

If one of the biggest things you hate in the world is feeling like an idiot and not knowing something everyone else knows... then why are you making the same mistakes and insistent upon thinking the way you think.. when everyone around you can see just how screwed up you're behaving?

I debated putting this in here. It makes me seem so completely retarded and horribly insane. But then i decided that it might actually help me for the next few days.. to write down these thoughts so that i can come back later and reread them. It might help with seeing the situation from another perspective. i'm also thinking on going back to Nov. and rereading all my entries.

For now though, i'm going to go to bed and work on my self-loathing.

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