Introspection
Sun. 01.04.04 - 9:33 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

I've had a couple of things pointed out about myself lately. Some things that i wish i could change. And it's not like i was made aware of it in a mean way (or even directly in some cases), but you know how it is.. it's different when you know something about yourself than when someone else discovers it or points it out.

The first thing that I was made aware of is my tendency to romanticize everything. And it's true. I hold the belief that shovelling snow in the dead of winter, though i'm FROM Hawaii and LIVE in California, would be a blast. That driving alone cross-country for five days would be the adventure of a lifetime. That living in San Francisco, when I grew up in a small town and all my friends (who have lived near SF forever) just about detest the city, would be a dream come true.

The thing is though.. I still hold true to those beliefs, no matter what anyone thinks or how hard they try to convince me otherwise.

I honestly believe that in those cases, it's ok to romanticize. It's just that there are times where... it's just not a good quality to posess. The biggest being, feeling like you're completely in love with someone to the point where you ignore all of the warning signs of a hazardous relationship because you created this idea in your head that he is everything you ever wanted. And while he may have posessed just about every characteristic I ever hoped to find in a man.. he didn't posess them all. My romanticism blinded me to the fact that he actually lacked two of them. Two very important qualities; Honesty and Dependability. In retrospect, my head knew this, but my romantic heart refused to listen. It is in cases such as this.. that being a hopeless romantic is well.. hopeless.

Make a note of that, heart.

The second trait that i've been made aware of.. is my self-consciousness. A friend pointed this out to me today.. because she was told (by another friend) that he felt like i was too self-conscious around him. That i was too uncomfortable.. being cautious about what i said, too conscious of my actions. I have to admit.. it hurt to hear that because I like to think that i'm a pretty genuine person. What you see is what you get with me. But i guess if i had to be honest, then yeah.. i guess i am guilty of that; being aware of my actions more often than necessary.

It all goes back to my childhood. Funny how that always happens, eh? I won't get too into detail because really, there are SOME things i should keep private- even from you, dear diary. Lets just say.. i felt like i never fit in as a child. Didn't fit in with my sister, didn't fit in with my parents, even felt like i didn't fit in with local society. Most of it was physical, but sometimes it became emotional too. I remember always being conscious of everything i said or did. If i did this, would it make me seem less like everyone else? Would they see how i didn't belong? Would they point it out and laugh? The funny thing is, i actually fit in pretty well despite what i thought. I was an obedient daughter. I got good grades. I had a ton of friends. And although i wasn't the "popular cheerleader" in high school, quite a few people knew me. As shy as i was, i was friends with a few of the guys on the football team and even hung out with them every now and then outside of school. But crazily enough, this mentality continued well into my first year of college.. until i started to not care so much what people thought anymore. It took up too much energy to have to constantly think before i spoke, thought, breathed. I've grown up a lot and realized things like that aren't worth the energy.

Does this mean i'm cured now? Again, in all honesty, no.

I still find traces of it here and there.. usually when i go back home and have to endure being made fun of for how "americanized" i've become. And if you want to dig a little deeper.. i had to endure a bit of it while in the relationship with my ex. He was Asian and therefore looked like everyone else back home.. and well, I always felt like i was trying to prove to someone (maybe him, my family, his family.. society, even) that i was just like him on the inside. That everything else was just a mask; on the inside i was no different.

I guess when you begin that method of thinking.. it seeps into all other areas of your life.. and you become conscious of everything you say and do. So even though i've moved away and broken up with my ex.. sometimes, i feel like i'm still fighting that battle with myself.. to let go, and just be me. And i hate that about myself. Because I shouldn't have to be guarded. I shouldn't have to think before i feel. I shouldn't have to choose answers that will portray me a certain way.. when deep down, i feel differently.

Whew.. lotta soul-baring today. The great thing is.. i'm okay. I'm alright. I know i've been saying this a lot.. but i'm learning so much about myself lately. And it's just such an amazingly refreshing experience. I feel like i'm starting to really be ME.. and it feels good.

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