Getting There
Thurs. 01.15.04 - 3:51 p.m.

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Conversation about my relationship with the ex.. and how i 'make excuses' for his sometimes horrible behavior towards me. I'm posting this here cuz there's a lot of things i need to "get". Maybe some day i'll come back and read this.. and a light bulb will go off.

ethe: like in the newest Time magazine...there was probably 30 pages devoted to why married people with healthy sex lives end up living longer and staying healthier
hamakosan: GEE i wonder why?! hehe duh, people
hamakosan: you know, i heard something once, and i think it was dr. phil that said it.. that sex is just 1% of the relationship.. it's not the most important thing. ie your relationship shouldn't be based on it. BUT if you're NOT having sex or there's a problem there.. then sex (or lack thereof) it's 99% of the relationship
hamakosan: somethin ladat. but yeah. I think that's true
hamakosan: and you know what else i was actually thinking of
ethe: no, that's impossible to predict
hamakosan: thought of this a long time ago.. and i think it's true...
hamakosan: or at least in my experience. hehe i think sex can sometimes be a mirror image of your relationship. like.. i think the way your partner is in bed with you, what kind of lover he/she is.. is directly blahh hold on gotta get the phone
ethe: that's true...because sex is a physical expression of everything that's going on inside you
ethe: everything you want to tell someone but can't find the words
hamakosan: yeah
hamakosan: but what about people.. who don't even yeah. i dunno. but yeah.. so i think like.. hehe just sleep with someone when you first meet them. if they're good, then you know they'll cool to date. lol
hamakosan: just kidding
hamakosan: though that'd probably solve a lotta problems. hehe
ethe: people who don't even what?
hamakosan: who just aren't expressive, even out of bed. if they're shut off like that.. then how can you expect them to know how to show it physically as well? but i guess if they're shut off.. why would you want to put yourself through that anyway
ethe: because they're two different things...sometimes it's hard to express things verbally...but when someone is in the act of sex, you sort of enter another world
hamakosan: yeah maybe. but like i said. i think that if they're like that in bed, then they're like that out of bed too
hamakosan: so.. don't waste your time
ethe: right...but i guess there's a whole different range of closed off
hamakosan: hmm yeah i guess
ethe: closed off because you really feel nothing and closed off because you're just too scared to be expressive
hamakosan: what about closed off because you never learned it
ethe: i don't think you have to learn it
hamakosan: well but i mean.. like.. you were never nurtured by anyone.. didn't have "love" growing up or whatever. and even though you care about the person you're with.. you still never really learned how to love, so.. you just don't know
ethe: i think love is something everyone just...does...no instruction manual to it
ethe: i mean....there are even lots of scientific cases...like the case of that girl who was locked away by her father for 12 years or something... never let outside, never given any type of warmth, forced to live in her own feces... she came out of there... and within a few months or so, she already 'loved' her adopted dad
hamakosan: but that's a child.. and it's different with parents. i'm talking relationship.. it's much deeper in a relationship. there are more intricate feelings and emotions involved
ethe: i think that it's bullshit that you still make excuses for him

hamakosan: why does everyone keep saying that
ethe: because you do
hamakosan: maybe i try to see his side
ethe: you wouldn't ever be able to do that
ethe: because then you'd have to adopt the mentality of an asshole
hamakosan: everyone keeps saying that he has no excuse to be shut off. and i dunno.. i mean, what if i saw a side to him that no one else got to? i mean, he was sweet and loving sometimes.. and yes, it was a constant battle with him.. i always felt like i wasn't getting enough, but i started to think that maybe that was the most he could do. that that's actually the WAY that he loves. it's not that he doesn't i was just expecting him to do it the way i wanted to receive it. and again i'm saying.. yes i realize he was closed off to most people.. but i did get to see his other side sometimes.. and how can you get mad at a person if they never had anyone to show them how to love and not just love, but whole-heartedly. unconditionally.
hamakosan: my friend keeps saying at some point he has to just choose to love better. but again i say.. what if you just don't know how?
hamakosan: i don't know..
ethe: why would you give a damn about those random sweet moments...when he acted like he did most of the time?
hamakosan: it was half and half
ethe: who needs half and half
hamakosan: and i like to think that if those sweet moments mean that you DO have it in you
hamakosan: well i don't.. that's why i left. hehe
ethe: no
ethe: being sweet is being sweet all the time
ethe: the fact that you have a button that you can turn on and off means that you're naturally off
ethe: and a lot of the things he did weren't just about not knowing how to love, they were about being an asshole...and there's no remedy for it
hamakosan: blahhh yeah i know ethan. and i know that i should command better for myself. and i think i've learned enough from his to not settle for less from now on.. but i still feel like i can't blame him.. i think that he just doesn't know any better. and i love differently than he does
ethe: there's only one way to love case
hamakosan: well i guess if we're talking about real love, then yeah.. there's only one way
ethe: there's only one way to care about someone
ethe: and loving someone, no matter the degree, isn't about going with the moment...going by what she says to you... it's about hearing what she says, and knowing what she means, or what she would like to mean, or what she's feeling...and if you aren't able to be selfless enough to actually hear someone, then i don't know what sort of care you're experiencing
ethe: that probably doesn't make sense to you, but it made sense in my mind
hamakosan: no actually it makes sense
hamakosan: i get it
hamakosan: blahh youre right
hamakosan: right now, i don't think i'll ever stop "making excuses" for him.. because i still think that he just doesn�t know, or maybe was too afraid. (i know, my friend says i just need time and when i get my AHA! moment, heh i'll hate him) but whatever. so yeah. i see his side. but i'm also starting to see what everyone is saying too.. in that, i should expect no less in my next relationship
ethe: you've had 20,000 momentary AHA! moments already
hamakosan: lol
hamakosan: yeha i know i keep forgetting them
ethe: which means that they're not really AHA! moments
hamakosan: yeah
hamakosan: well. maybe she's right.. it'll come one day maybe a year from now
hamakosan: right now i'm still too close to the situation
ethe: i've given up trying to understand your relationship with him
hamakosan: yeahhhh i dunno
hamakosan: you know, i heard this once..
hamakosan: and i thought it was SO true.. at least in the situation i was in at the time..
hamakosan: theory is.. that we choose mates that allow us to work out the issues we had with our parents and upbrining.. from when we were children
hamakosan: and that's when i kinda noticed how similar he and my mom's personalities were, and a whole buncha other stuff
hamakosan: it's kinda messed up if you think about it
ethe: but you realize all these things and then you come back to where you started
hamakosan: not really.. cuz i'm not WITH him
hamakosan: so at least i realize SOMETHING
hamakosan: you have to understand ethan, that i'm still living here. as much as i would like to believe otherwise i haven't really had a chance to really BREAK UP. i've been stuck living here with him. normally people break up and never have to deal with each other again.. we still have to live together! so of course i haven't been able to just take the mentality "god he's such a prick why the hell did i ever waste my time" because if i do.. 1. i'd be a horrible bitter person and 2. i'd hate him.. therefore i'd probably kill him by having to share this place with him
ethe: yeah i guess things will change when you move out
hamakosan: yeah i'm counting on that
hamakosan: and i don't like how my feelings change with the wind in regards to his behavior
hamakosan: part of it's cuz he's moody and it rubs off on me. another reason why i need to get out of here. hehe
hamakosan: and i will
hamakosan: hopefully
hamakosan: ugh. heh
hamakosan: its just my nature ethan.. to make "excuses" for people. blahh that sounds stupid. but growing up i realized how my mom refused to see other people's side. all that mattered was her opinion and her view of things.. and i remember growing up how i always tried to take note of everything my parents did that i thought was messed up, and did the opposite. learned from it. so yeah.. i always try to see other people's point of view.. even when it hink i'm right.. cuz hey, even though you're right.. maybe they have a reason for doing what they did.. might not have come from a bad place
hamakosan: that's all i'm sayin
ethe: and some people are just wrong, plain and simple
ethe: and i only hope that at one point you'll see that he's one of those people
hamakosan: but how horrible would that make me? thinking i'm better.. that he simply just sucks and is cruel
hamakosan: because he's nto a bad person.. he does nice things. he can be funny
ethe: good people are better than bad people
ethe: alright case
ethe: you're selfless, he's probably one of the most selfish people i've ever heard of
ethe: and in my book, selfishness is one of the worst traits you can have
hamakosan: he's only selfish sometimes
hamakosan: doesn't that count
ethe: no
ethe: it's a way of life
hamakosan: deep down.. i know you're right
ethe: it doesn't matter that i'm right, it only matters that at some point you realize how wrong you are for making so many excuses
ethe: he's selfish for the sake of being selfish
ethe: you know yourself that the mind's a powerful thing... that you dont physically have to walk away to have shut the door
hamakosan: hmm
hamakosan: true..
ethe: so if you didnt want to think about it again, you wouldnt
ethe: even if you had to live with him
hamakosan: i'll try to shut myself off
ethe: i can write a novel already about every selfish thing he has done to you since we met...and i only know the brim surface of it
hamakosan: ehh
hamakosan: well he's been worse since we broke up.. it wasn't as constant when we were together
ethe: you don't become a different person when you break up with someone
ethe: your title changes
ethe: not who you are
ethe: not even how you feel about someone
hamakosan: he's just angry.. and i dunno.. who wouldn't be, you know?
ethe: i wouldn't be
ethe: you wouldn't be
hamakosan: nto saying it's ok to be mean..
hamakosan: but like.. if the only person that ever completely unconditionally loved you.. decided to give up.. that would hurt
ethe: that would hurt you
ethe: it doen't hurt him
ethe: because if he really cared about you loving him unconditionally you two would have still been together
hamakosan: read this. cuz i'm too lazy to type. just the first entry
ethe: so you talk about someone 'devouring you' but then you still make excuses for him
hamakosan: blahhh why you gotta ask the tough questions
hamakosan: and i told you to only read the first paragraph
hamakosan: heh
ethe: um you said first entry
hamakosan: blah i meant paragraph
ethe: haha
ethe: well whose fault was THAT?
hamakosan: blahhh
hamakosan: =(
hamakosan: i'm sorry
hamakosan: i know.. i need to make up my damn mind whether i hate him or not..
hamakosan: it's just hard when i'm living here. i know i'll get some clarity once i move out
ethe: you'll eventually get there

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