surreality
Sat. 06.19.04 - 2:40 a.m.

Feeling: i can't put it into words... numb comes pretty close, though
Listening: nothing
Quote:

I haven't talked much about our new roommate.. Ron.

Nice guy, little older than M and I, but very sweet and friendly. Usually I see him in the afternoons.. as he's getting ready for work; using the kitchen table as an ironing board. I'd be making my "late breakfast" around 2pm and run into him then. We'd make chitchat then i'd scurry back to my room. Most nights i work until midnight so i don't see him. If i get off from work early, i'll hear him come in late from his own nightly shift as a waiter at Fisherman's Wharf.

Over the past week, i've been busy. Stressed. I've been self-involved. I've also been working late and going out with friends, so i've barely been home. When I have been.. i haven't run into Ron. It wasn't anything unusual though, as i've hardly been home and our schedules seemed to conflict lately. About a week went by where i didnt run into him. At first i just assumed that i was getting in too late and leaving too early to run into him. The other day after i had gotten home from work early.. i came down the hall, saw that his bedroom door was still closed (usually when he's not home he leaves it slightly ajar) and remembered that i hadn't seem him for a few days. Given my past i immediately thought.. what if something happened and M and I didnt have a clue. I pushed it out of my mind and settled with the idea that i just have been too busy to notice his comings and goings. Another day or two passed and again, I didn't see him.. i figured maybe he went on vacation. I made a mental note to ask M, as he's at home more often than I am.

Tonight.. I got home from work around midnight. As soon as i headed down the hall to my bedroom i could hear M's footsteps behind me. I made it to my doorway, turned around to face him... and he just had this look on his face. I asked, "is something wrong?"

"Yeah actually something is wrong.."

Immediately i got scared. "What..?"

"Ron passed away last week."

Everything i was holding fell to the floor as I stared back at him.

I can't remember what i said.. i don't know if i even said anything at all, actually.

M took advantage of my silence and filled me in on the details. I won't repeat them here but obviously, his passing came as a surprise to everyone.. including his family. He passed away at a friend's house sometime last week. He hadn't had time (or maybe even the desire) to tell anyone the address of the new place he had just moved into. His family and friends had NO WAY of knowing where he lived.. with the exception of one friend. The one who had helped him move in. This friend teamed up with one of Ron's family members.. and vaguely remembering where he had driven Ron recently to move him into his place.. drove around our neighborhood for several hours.. trying to locate our house. They knocked on our door around 1:30 this afternoon.. not even 10 minutes after I had left the house for work today. M was home and was filled in on the details of what had happened. He was also told by Ron that the reason he had chosen our place over all the others was the fact that M and I seemed like good people. "Normies" he called us. Normal kids. Down to Earth.

I cant even nor do i WANT to even go into what i'm feeling. Not only do i have feelings pertaining to this situation.. but it's brought a flood of memories back from five years ago. Shit i just don't need to be dealing with.

After about 10 minutes of listening to M talk the shock wore off and I burst into tears. I felt like such an idiot for standing there in the middle of my room, my bags at my feet.. M in my doorway, and me crying over a man in all honesty, I barely knew.

M fixed us both a drink and we drank "to Ron." I couldn't stand to be in the house.. so i suggested we get something to eat. It was 1 am and we made a trip to our favorite taqueria. We came home and shared our order of nachos and quesadillas ike there wasn't anything on our minds. Though we both knew we were just trying to gain some normalcy. Or maybe it was just me.

We talked a while after that. About Ron, life, things happening for a reason, the butterfly effect, fate, coincidence.... my grandmother.

"You still haven't dealt with it, have you?"

"Do I come across that way?"

"Yes."

"I think time has helped."

"I think your perception allows you to think that."

He's right.

I told him the story of how i kept a lock of my grandmother's hair after she passed. I've only ever told Ethan that story. I don't think I even told Y. I also told him how after i decided to get rid of her hair, I wished that i had something to remind me she existed.. and how Ethe made me see that i didn't need a physical reminder.

I don't know where i'm going with this...

It's 3:14am. I can't sleep. His cousin left his bedroom door open. All I can think about is how the first night i slept in my grandparents' house after my grandmother had passed away that morning, i closed my bedroom door. I locked it, even. I kept hearing noises all night. I didn't sleep that night. I was in shock, rattled... scared. How horrible am i that I just keep thinking about that open door? I want to close it... and yet i feel insensitive for doing so.

I wish I could sleep. I still feel the effects of the alcohol.. and i'm glad for it. It's dulling everything right now. Maybe if i try i can sleep.

Maybe when I wake up everything will be right.

This whole night just seems so surreal.

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