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The Falling Out Feeling: stressed I keep promising updates. It's just that i haven't had time to move/delete entries and remove myself from websearches... so i feel weird writing in here. But I also feel like i'm cheating myself because i've been dying to write. For now, i'll just say what's on my mind at the moment and catch up on my updates another time (i know, i know.. keep saying that) The ex (Y) and I had a falling out the other night. I had a rough day so when he started getting sarcastic with me i snapped at him. Normally, i almost never snap at people. ESPECIALLY him because he gets mad at me and in a way i'm afraid to deal with it so i just avoid the whole thing altogether. That day though, i wasn't having it. I've had enough from people lately, ya know. He's also been a little disrespectful and sarcastic with me ever since he found out (about 2 weeks ago) that i 'dated' someone. THAT was a pretty rough night. He offered to take me out for my birthday. On the way home, he started grilling me about what i've been up to.. accused me of seeing someone. I told him i wasn't seeing anyone but that I had been on a date or two. Now, something about me: if you ever want to know ANYTHING about me all you have to do is ask. I'm generally an open person- i don't hide things that i feel aren't extremely personal so i'm basically an open book. But even when it comes to secrets sometimes, all you have to do is ask the answer will usually be written on my face. That night, he asked me if i had slept with anyone. I think the look on my face after being caught offguard with that was enough to answer his question. After that, while we had made plans to do something quick in the city before going home.. he immediately decided that all he wanted to do was take me home and head back to SJ. I knew he was upset. I felt like an ass for not only what i had done.. but for seeing how it hurt him to know that i had 'moved on.' I tried to hold back tears but with me, it's pointless. He said "don't worry about it. I'm just being stupid. i don't know what i thought." I cried some more. He pulled up outside my house and as i fumbled out of the car.. he grabbed me, pulled me back in, and held me while i cried. He brushed my hair out of my face and told me that it was going to be okay. That he wasnt upset with me. I found my way up the stairs to my front door.. and into my room where i sat on my bed and cried for a while. Maybe I wasn't crying for him.. but for that 19 year old girl who moved here on a whim; who had such innocence and hope. As innocent as i still may be.. i see how a little bit of it disappeared that night about a month ago. For the most part, i'm ok with that. Only because I have NO CHOICE but to be ok with it. So yes, things have been a bit weird between us since then. he's made some comments lately implying that i'm just running all over the city. Most of the time i find it funny. Or at least I try to. I wasn't having it that night though. Dammit, i've had enough crap from people to last me a lifetime. So yes, i snapped at him to which he got mad (gee what a suprise..). He made a comment about how he'd not be a bother to me anymore and i basically said "if that's the way you want it, ok". Then he logged off on me. And I blocked him too. It was the one of the hardest things i've had to do. I dont like blocking people. I think it's childish and a bunch of other notsofair things. I'm sure he blocked me too and that kind of helped, actually. To know that it was kind of a mutual thing.. i didnt feel so bad. I felt two things. 1. loss. for the one person i've had since i moved here. now i'm truly alone. 2. relief. that i wouldnt have to worry about him anymore. that even though i was sad and scared.. it was a little empowering, too. because now i'm forced to deal with being alone. Being alone isn't such a bad thing, i'm realizing. I remember as a kid, i HATED it. I hated the thought of not being surrounded by people all the time. Not that i was seeking attention.. i just liked company. And now... now i see how it's just such a wonderful thing for the most part. being alone. You're forced to truly enjoy your own company.. and who you are as a person. Something I could definitely improve upon. Tonight, Buddha mentioned that Y was asking about me. He wanted to know if he'd heard from me and if i was ok. I hate it that he cares. I dont want him to worry. I dont want him to have any worries or any stress. He shouldnt be worrying about me anymore. And maybe most of all, i feel guilty for his worrying. I feel guilty that i've moved on and he's still worried whether or not i'm getting home safely and if i've had enough to eat this week. FUCK. Sometimes, I really hate myself. People say i'm a good person.. but how can i be when this guy is SO nice to me and i'm just... on to other things? As i'm writing this my phone is ringing for the SIXTH time. He won't stop calling and while i want to anwer the phone.. (i dont want him to be worried about me) i also dont want to get led down the same path. the path where even though i want to have a friendly relationship with him.. i'm not so sure i want an actual FRIENDSHIP. at least not right now. it feels too hard. i'm tired of people hurting me. I'm tired of being this way. I'm not this weak person i've been. I'm not this underachiever. I'm more... Right?
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