The Great Wall of Hamakosan
Thurs. 02.12.04 - 4:04 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

Remember that bit of advice Rho gave me a while ago? How she said, "Depend on no one but dont reject anyone that may want to enter your world. Be cautious about giving yourself to a guy but not too cautious that no one can break down your wall."

Well, i think we might have a problem here. I've begun to realize that there's been a bit of a wall that has begun to form around me. I'm not sure how to balance cautiousness and the wall.

Even more, I'm not sure i want the wall to go down anytime soon. I feel like i REALLY need it there for a while.

Here's part of a converstaion that helped spark that revelation:

Will: Ooo maybe I should ask her to be my Valentine? lol
hamakosan: hahah
Will: Speaking of...
Will: Do you have a Valentine?
hamakosan: lmao
hamakosan: it's funny you should ask
hamakosan: no, i don't have a valentine.. i was looking forward to spending it alone
hamakosan: but a weird thing happened yesterday
hamakosan: i was unloading things from my car in my parking lot.. and this guy came up to me
Will: Yah? I've 3 v-days alone already :-|
hamakosan: asked me for my number
hamakosan: lol and i gave it to him
hamakosan: hehe i'm not sure how i feel about that. i dun think i'm ready to date.. but i guess we'll see
Will: Well, if he looks like a nice guy, give it a shot.
hamakosan: anyways, he wanted to go out for coffee right then, but i told him i'm kinda busy the next few days.. so he asked when would be a good time to call.. i told him this weekend. not even realizing it was valentine's day. ugh i'm such a dork
Will: Hmmmm... like I said, give 'em a shot... see how it goes. Couldn't hurt... what have you got to lose?
hamakosan: ehh actually i'm pretty sure i'm not ready, but i guess if he calls i'd go out with him anyway
hamakosan: i mean, he seems like a nice guy
hamakosan: and yeah, i guess you never know
Will: Yah... I mean... you could change your mind... you two could really hit it off or just stay friends. Just go out, have fun.
hamakosan: *sigh*
hamakosan: yeah
Will: What's that sighing about? :-P
hamakosan: ehh.. i just .. i dunno will
Will: You need to be a little more optimistic, sweetie...
Will: yah?
hamakosan: i'm not emotionally ready for even the slightest bit of drama.. or anything. i'm still recovering over everything with ethan, and i never really got a chance to deal with the breakup of my 4 year relationship, ya know
Will: I know...
hamakosan: no its not that i'm not being optimistic, it's that i actually REALLY TRULY don't want to deal with anyone else.. i can't.. i'm too hurt
hamakosan: i can't get emotionally involved with anyone..not for a while at least.. not after everything..
Will: On one hand, it makes you vulnerable... on the other hand, you need to be a little more optimistic... after all, right now ... this may not be the best analogy, but... you're sort of like emotionally disconnected from the surrounding environment (including people). On one hand that gives you time to heal the old wounds... after all, old wounds heal quicker when not disturbed... on the other hand you may be missing out on a potentially GREAT cure, so to speak.
hamakosan: lol yeah but i'm not gonna use someone cuz he could be a cure.. that's not fair to them
hamakosan: anyways, i'm getting ahead of myself.. it would just be a stupid date and he hasn't even called so i'm not even really thinking about it
Will: Listen to your heart (also known as intuition) and go with your gut feeling... I'm only giving an advice... you don't have to listen to me or anyone else. Do what you feel is best.
Will: I know... I know...
Will: What I mean is... it doesn't have to be a one-way thing. Maybe you two will develop a mutual appreciation for one another... after all, we don't really "fall in love" per se... we learn to love. First we develop friendship based on appreciation, understanding, respect, trust... hey... a new friend wouldn't hurt, right? Nobody's saying you have to develop a relationship with him... just... let it be... let it take its course, and see where it takes ya'... Love is a strong word... maybe it'll never get to THAT... or maybe it will. Don't lock yourself away from other people... just... keep your guard up, but at the same time... don't "shoot to kill" whoever comes close, so to speak.
hamakosan: yeah i know what you mean
hamakosan: but i also know that i have a lot to work out.. part of me doesn't trust myself anymore.. i dunno. and then, i was talking to my friend the other day, we were discussing my past relationships, etc.. and she just got really maternal on me, started lecturing me about how i need to be extra careful.. blahh she basically called me BAIT. i was kinda insulted cuz yeah i realize i'm extra nice and friendly.. but she's right.. some guys don't care and try to take advantage of that.. me being so freakin trusting doesn't help either
Will: And IF he likes you enough to want a relationship with you... and it is mutual, but at the same time you take short, slow steps... he should understand. If he really is worthy of your time and attention, he WILL understand. Don't let ANYBODY push you beyond what you feel comfortable with. I think that was one of many problems with your last relationship.
hamakosan: yeah
hamakosan: you're right
hamakosan: thanks for the advice will
Will: You're welcome, sweetie. :-)
hamakosan: it hink i need to just not think about it. if he calls, sure we can hang out.. but i'm just gonna try not to stress.. and i REALLY am serious about not really dating.. to me, this is just a "get together"
Will: To a degree I agree with your friend... the problem is NOT you being so open... the problem is, you sometimes fail to distinguish between those who are worth your trust, and those who aren't. And this is a result of your ... good nature... it's not anything to be ashamed of. However, it is something that you need to work on... and those close to you should help you with it.
hamakosan: hmm.. yeah, i guess.. i just have this problem with deeming people "unworthy" cuz i grew up with the feeling that everyone should be treated with the same respect and kindness.. even if most people think they're not worth it
Will: As far as that guy... yah... I like your attitude as far as him... just... go out, hang out... don't make it a SERIOUS date... or even a date to begin with. See how it goes ;-)

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