Roller Coaster Ride
Fri. 01.15.04 - 12:18 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

SO i realize i've been avoiding writing REAL entries lately, by just posting conversations. but ugh. it hurts too much to think. blahhh but here it is. My heart on a platter.

Everything's weird. I've actually been pretty happy he came back. We went right back to being friends like nothing had every happened. He's been helping me with my journals, and whatnot. Things were different this time, we were in a good place. He started being real with me about a lot of things. I thought that things were finally looking up. Then.. well, today he asked me if we could be together again. I completely didn't expect that. What's even worse is that i SO wanted to say yes.. =( but i had to tell him no.. ugh. i told him that i need more from him if that were to happen, and he just can't give me that right now. He agreed. Which kinda sucked, cuz i secretly wanted him to just fix it all. But at the same time, i knew he wouldn't. We talked for a bit after that.. but then he didn't feel so well, so he went to take a nap. He said he'd call me tomorrow.. but like every time before that, i know he won't. He'll just disappear again, like he usually does. I hate that. I hate that he just can't LOVE ME! UGH!!!! he says he does. says it in a way where i KNOW he cares.. but he keeps breaking promises. i can't deal with this.. my heart can't take this, you know? i'm not strong enough to deal with this right now..

I was talking with my friend Rho tonight about how after everything i've been through, i just feel like i don't have the energy to invest in a serious relationship with anyone for a very long time. Blahh i'm still in love with Ethan. I don't understand why i can't get over that. ugh. maybe in time, but i doubt that my heart will ever fully recover.

Anyways, this entry was supposed to be a good one. ugh. So she gave me some great advice and i wanted to put it here, because it's just so simple and brilliant at the same time:

Depend on no one but dont reject anyone that may want to enter your world.

Be cautious about giving yourself to a guy but not too cautious that no one can break down your wall.

Be happy with yourself but welcome other forms of happiness that my come knocking on your door.

Love yourself but not too much that you forget to love others.

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