Payback
Fri. 02.06.04 - 2:34 p.m.

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So i'm going to tell you something. hehe I'm a little ashamed to admit this, cuz it's really immature and all, but lately i've been the epitome of immaturity. So here goes.

I haven't been able to forget the comment my ex made to me a while ago about how i'm a "six" I realize how stupid it may be for me to remember a comment like that. It's irrelevant and doesn't define me. I KNOW THIS. But i also feel like HE KNOWS ME. I might get people telling me every now and then that i'm pretty or hot and all that other bs, but again, the ex knows more about me. He has seen more than the outside. And if he knows me that well, and can turn around and say something like i'm just average then of course that hurts. I dunno, maybe it's also because i feel like i haven't been handling things very maturely, so i'm feeling really insecure about anything and everything. ehh. crap. ANYWAY, i'm rambling.

As i was saying, ever since he made that comment, i've thought about how it would feel to see him out of the blue one day, a year from now or something (when i have my life back on track) and just what his reaction would be.

hehe.. a few things have happened lately that kind of gave me a glimpse of that.

The other night when i wore that dress i bought for the wedding, i was sitting next to my ex and he reached over, to play with the hem of my dress and said "So you like this dress, huh?" hehe.. all i could do was laugh and say "yeah, it's alright" I mean, i don't think i'm hot or anything close to that, but i do know that he obviously thought i was attractive (TO HIM) or he never would have said so in the past or acted accordingly. Add that to the fact that every single time i have ever had to dress up for anything remotely important, he never once failed to comment on how beautiful or hot he thought i looked. At least that was something i could count on him for (whether i believed it or not is an entirely different matter). So yeah, i know he found me a tad attractive at one point, and i think that still exists every now and then. Plus i think i know him pretty well.. so i think it's safe to say that night he was just biting back a comment. *sigh* ah well.

The other day when he came with me into the city, he was pointing out girls to me that he thought were hot. I was kinda listening, but not really looking around much, just lost in my own world (which seems to be the case a LOT lately). All of a sudden, i look up and this guy is staring at me. He smiled this HUGE smile. haha so cute.. so i smiled back, kinda got shy after having been caught off guard (yeah, that's the excuse i'm using) then looked away, as my ex and i passed him. Apparently the ex caught this little transaction and proceeded to tease me about it for the next 10 minutes. He mumbled something about the guy had been staring at me for a while. that actually wasn't really anything to do with my ex, but it just made me feel good that someone else actually would see me and think i'm cute enough to smile at. hehe Well, of course having it all take place in front of the ex didn't hurt either.

So earlier today after having put lotion on, my ex comes up to me and says "hey what's that you're wearing?" umm lotion. "but what kind? you don't usually wear that, right?" uhh no, i wear this all the time. "then how come only now it turns me on?" heheh so like, now i'm thinking i should be evil and pack some of my lotion in with some of his stuff, for him to find and some point in time. heh yeah that would be wrong, so perhaps i'll just THINK about doing it.

Then later, as he was cleaning out his desk, he showed me this photo of a girl "Hey she's hot, huh?!" So I asked him who that was to which he explained she was some girl who works at a local electronics store. So i took the picture from him, and i had to admit that she was very pretty so i told him "Yeah, she's pretty hot." but THEN! i realized she actually looked kinda familiar.. "Because she looks a lot like ME!" hehe.. to which he said "That's RIGHT!" hehe.. i thought that was pretty damn funny. and flattering. in a sort of weird way. heh

anywho.

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