Ups and Downs
Fri. 12.05.03 - 3:11 p.m.

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So after a wonderful shouting match with the ex just now, I have to say that I can't move outta here fast enough. How is it that he can still affect my emotions so much? One minute i'm feeling content with the situation, and the next i'm so pissed i could scream. When will these wounds heal?

The ironic thing is, this morning was really good. We had an odd moment.. i guess. For some reason, he decided to open up to me and let me know what he's been feeling lately. In the four years that we were together, i could probably count on one hand all the times he honestly let me know how he was feeling. The conversation started when he told me that he had a dream about me the night before. Apparently it wasn't an innocent dream. Even more, those dreams never used to include me.. but i guess this one was the exception. He then came right out and said that he's been jealous that i've moved on. In all honesty, I really didn't know he felt that way. I thought he sincerely regretted ever having met me and hated me because of it. But he said that it hurt to see me smiling and happy.. that he wondered what was this new man in my life doing to make me happy, that he hadn't been able to do. He also said that he was confused. Confused as to why I stopped loving him. That he hadn't known what love was before i came along, but that i showed it to him. That he realized now how much I had loved him, that even though he hadn't been able to show me he loved me the way i showed him, that i still continued to love him unconditionally. He's hurt that i no longer am in love with him, and it makes him doubt love in general. Part of me thinks that this is just a classic case of wanting what you can't have. Now that we break up you want to tell me that you regret not being there for me the way you should have been? How dare you! I fought with him so long and hard on that and I always got the attitude that I was the one with the problem. That men like that don't exist.. it's just some little girl's fantasy. Well i'm sorry, but it's too late for apologies now.

The thing that bothers me though, is that he really thinks i just decided to wake up one morning and stop loving him. I tried telling him that's not the case, but i guess it's easier to believe that. Let me tell you though, this was a long time in the making. This was a very tough year. We went through a lot, most of the time at each other's throats. But through it all, i stuck by him. I loved him and tried very hard to make it work. A few months ago though, it started becoming just too much. I questioned for a long time whether or not i was still in love with him.. and maybe i should have known then that the simple fact that i was questioning my love in that way, meant that things just weren't the same. I remember one day, about a month before we broke up, after a particularly exhausting argument i left the apartment. I just needed to get as far away from the situation as possible. I remember calling my aunty for advice.. and after talking to her a bit i realized that i was numb to everything. That i had had enough. She noticed it too. From that day i started to reevaluate my feelings about him and our relationship. Two weeks before the breakup I pretty much decided that was what i wanted but i just didn't know how to go about it. I was so afraid of hurting him. Afraid of letting my family down. Afraid of what people would think. I felt guilty that i said i would love him always, but that i was now breaking my word. I agonized over how to go about it all. I had long talks late into the night with a friend of mine. Although he tried hard to make me see that it was probably for the better I needed time to come to grips with it all. When i finally did though, i never regretted it for a single second. and i still don't. So you see, i didn't fall out of love overnight. It was a long time in the making. I tried explaining this all to him, and that even though i am in love with someone else now it doesn't mean that there was something wrong with him.. it just means that we were wrong for eachother. And i wasn't on the rebound; I wasn't judging this new man by all of the shortcomings of my previous relationship. I honestly fell in love with him for who he is and how he makes me feel. I'm tired of having to explain that. I must say though, that he wished me well, my ex. He said that he sincerely hopes that i will be happy with my new someone. We left the conversation at that.

Afterwards, we went out for some lunch and talked some more. We were like old friends. I guess he was in such a good mood that when we got onto the subject of me finding a new place, he suggested that maybe we could get a two-bedroom apartment. That having seperate rooms would make it seem more like we were roommates than exes. I told him that if i wasn't involved with anyone else that i'd probably take him up on his offer.. mostly because i really want to stay out here and that would make things easier.. safer.. stabler. But the fact of the matter is, i shouldn't do something because it's the safe thing to do. Because it's the easier thing to do. It just wouldn't be a wise decision. And aside from all that, the reality is that i'm involved with someone else now. And it wouldn't be fair to him or to our relationship for me to continue sharing something with an ex-boyfriend of mine under the pretense of "roommate". I have to be honest though, Ethan and I have talked about me moving to be closer to him.. and the more i think about it, the more it's something that i really want. Not because it would be easier or safer.. but because it's simply something that I really want. To be close to him. To share something with him. His thoughts. His dreams. His bed. His life.. Of course I didn't say this out loud, partially because I didn't want to hurt him, but also because I feel like what i do after I move out of here is my business and no one else's. I'm sick of other people offering their opinion when it hasn't been requested. Keep your two cents to yourself.

Although lunch was good, things began to go bad not too long after. I'm beginning to notice a pattern here.. whenever we try to act too much like "best pals" we end up fighting. There are just some things that exes can't joke or talk about. He says things that hurt, that i feel are inappropriate. I get upset, then he gets angry and it's just this vicious cycle. So maybe we need to stop trying to be friends. This fascade of "best pals" always seems to make things even more complicated that it needs to be. But back to the argument. I got hurt because of the stupidest thing.. some comment he made about how i'm a six on a scale of one to ten. I know it's so junior high, but I couldn't help but be hurt. Things didn't get much better after that. He started to complain about all the things that he disliked about me.. and I guess I snapped. I didn't break up with him so i could continue to hear this crap. I told him that he really hurt my self-esteem.. that I was tired of the attacks on my character. So what if i leave my damn clothes on the ground every now and then. So what if papers clutter my desk from time to time. Who cares about the stupid dishes. Those kind of things aren't important. But hey, maybe i'm wrong and those things do matter. Maybe i AM a slob when i'm overwhelmed by life. Is that such a horrible thing? I hope not.. I have to admit that he got me wondering though. While he was shouting at me he said that he didn't like living with me when i got like that, and that this new guy probably wouldn't too if i ever decided to live with him. It was around this time that doubts started to form in my head. fuq. me.

Yeah, that two bedroom apartment sure looks mighty appealing..

And to top it all off, my feet hurt. damn heels.

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