Reflection
Wed. 01.14.04 - 2:23 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

I had someone point something out to me today that i thought was very interesting. I was having a conversation with my friend Thai when she blurted out "You know why i think he's mean to you? I think he didn't take you seriously. He thought you would go back to him. But you haven't. So now he's just angry." At first i immediately dismissed her comment. But then i thought about it for a second and realized.. i think she's right. And i don't mean to sound full of myself, because that's not how i mean it.. i know he has no feelings for me, it's not about that. It's about.. well, i think basically he didn't think i had the strength or the guts or even the desire to be without him. or alone, for that matter. He probably really did think i'd go crawling back to him at some point, wanting to work it all out. But never once has that thought occured to me. From day one, i KNEW it was the best decision in the world for me.

I think he just expected me to say "you know what, i change my mind. can we be together again?" at which point he could feed his ego by turning me down. But that never happened.. he had to watch me not only be content with my decision to break up with him.. but also grow to care about someone else (Ethan). I do want to say something though, even if i HADN'T met Ethan, i still wouldn't have gone back to my ex. It really was over.

Another thing i'd like to point out, and i was thinking about this the other day.. whatever drama i've had to endure by having Ethan in my life, there's never been a day that i regretted having met him. And i say that now even after everything. Even if i'd never speak to him again, i'd still feel that way. I can't even begin to describe to you how traumatized i was when the ex and i ended our relationship. I realize traumatize is a big word, but trust me, it's fitting. I was emotionally and physically drained from the past year of constant stress and fighting. Not to mention the whole thyroid fiasco. However unreliable Ethan has proved to be.. and as dependent and needy as this may sound, he came into my life when i needed someone the most. For THAT, i'll be forever grateful. If i had never met Ethan, Yes, I wouldn't have gone back to my ex, but he probably would have devoured me whole in the aftermath of our breakup. Ethan was my rock, my confidant, my comfort. And that's something i can't quite forget.

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