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Safety Nets & Training Wheels Feeling: dreading work in 3 hours I've been having some really disturbing dreams lately. Aside from the usual "falling" dreams, i had one the night before last that involved water. I don't know why, but i remember having to repeatedly dive into this spot with a group of other people. The scary thing is, while i love the beach, i'm still a little iffy in deeper waters, lakes, etc. because of those nightmares i used to have as a kid. I rarely have dreams about water and if i do, they aren't good. This one was no exception.. there were sharks everywhere. I don't think anything happened, but i woke up feeling pretty uneasy. Last night.. was one of the most disturbing dreams i've had in a while. I dreamt about Y. He knew i wasn't happy, that i was upset, so he said something like, "why are you so unhappy all the time now? What's wrong?" and then...... he asked me to marry him. That's some scary stuff right there. =) Ugh. He's a good guy, he really is. And i KNOW he'll find someone better for him.. i'm just not that person. I never was, as much as I thought that at the time. That dream just shows me how (God i'm going to hate saying this) i'm reliant upon him. still. Even if it's not financially, even if i don't take him up on his offers to help, the truth of the matter is part of the reason why I have a hard time with the thought of never speaking to him again is because he is my safety net. He was my safety net when i moved here. The only person i knew. While i wanted to move here before we were "together" i didn't actually DO IT until he and I were together. Once i moved here, i shut myself off to everyone. I didn't keep in touch with a few of my friends (lost some because of it).. but i was ok, as long as i had him, in my mind i was ok. There were times over the years where he was the one that took care of me, financially. Yeah, he was more than happy to do it and yeah i took care of him too - emotionally, cooked, cleaned for him, etc., but he still took care of me. I was safe. I did love him, but we weren't IN LOVE. I didn't know that at the time, didn't WANT to know that at the time. I was unhappy, miserable even, towards the end.. but i was still better off being SAFE than having to break out of my shell and face everything I had been hiding from for four years. Maybe that's why i'm having such a hard time now, too. When you hide for so long, you forget. You forget what living really feels like. There's all these new experiences, feelings, emotions involved and while it's exciting... it's pretty damn scary too. And now, on top of all the drastic changes i've made in my life (within a period of a few months, mind you) i'm having to deal with this also- this rediscovery. Not just of me, but of everything else, too. As well as having to face everything i tried so hard to hide from. I need to start printing out my entries and tacking them to my bedroom walls. GRR. A couple days ago i came across this entry, while playing around with the "Flutter" link at the right. It's long overdue for those training wheels to come off.
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