It's Time To Let Go
Fri. 02.20.04 - 2:54 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

Last night, i bought pizza.. the ex came over and I told him he could have some, which he did. I guess he felt like he had to PAY ME BACK so he offered to take me to lunch today. i didn't realize at the time, that's why he asked me. I thought he was just being nice. but NO it's just about evening the score when it comes to him.

On the way there, when we were in the car, he goes "so when we take your things up on Sunday, you're staying there too?" I told him no then tried to ignore the upset look on his face. I guess he�s lookin to get rid of me sooner than I thought. A little while later he goes "so i'll help you move your stuff up on sunday, then drive you up on the 28th.. then after that, that's it"

�That�s it� as in.. after the 28th i�m to leave him the hell alone. He wanted to ensure we were in agreement to never speak to each other again.

This may seem REALLY stupid and make you go �WHYYyyyy?!� ..but I couldn�t help but feel hurt and maybe upset over that comment.

I don't know WHY that hurt me.. but I couldn�t get it out of my head all through lunch. The sickening thing is, I just see this pattern I have with people. They hurt me, but i just can't let go. I keep coming back for more. It was like that with my parents.. always trying to prove that I was worthy, that I was a good kid, that I could be perfect. I could get things right.

It was like that with my ex. Not just me trying to be perfect and trying to balance being 19, hundreds of miles away from anything I�ve ever known and loved to living with this man, holding down a job and taking care of him, our place, and responsibilities but also me continuously screwing it all up.. having him point that out to me and all the countless other flaws I possess.. yet still keep going back to him. Continuously trying to make him see I was trying really hard. I was worthy, maybe.

I see it with Ethan too. I cared about him so much I was willing to let him misuse my trust and love to the point where there wasn�t anything he couldn�t do or a secret he could reveal that I wouldn�t forgive. I kept going back for more.

Ugh.

What the hell�s wrong with me? I mean, I KNOW I�m worth more than that. It�s not like I�m a masochist or anything. I mean, I know I talk crap about myself, but deep down I know I�m a good person, deserving of better. I KNOW THIS. Yet I continue to act otherwise.

I don�t get myself.

I know I should be glad to be rid of him. He has hurt me so much more than I ever thought he could. I should be happy that he won�t be around to hurt me anymore, but part of me can�t help but remember that I shared something with him once. I considered him my friend. My boyfriend. My everything. Doesn�t that count for something? I guess not. I don�t know if it�s just my naivete talking, but I really thought we could get through this as friends. Everyone keeps telling me �You broke up with him, what did you expect?� I expected that he�d see it�s what he wanted too! I never expected he�d hate me for it and conjure up new reasons to justify his hatred towards me.

It really hurts that he could be like this.

Don�t get me wrong.. he�s been helping me a lot, and i'm extremely grateful.. and i told him i'd pay him back for anything that i owe him.. but i'm a PERSON too, with feelings and emotions. It�s like he thinks I�m this evil being made of stone.

Maybe that�s what he needs to believe to make himself feel better though.

And maybe I keep trying to hold on because i'm just too scared to let go.

Because letting go means that I really don't have anyone here. I�m all alone.

But maybe it�s time I realize that i don't really have him either.

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