Current - Random - Archive - Profile - LOL - Host - Email - Notes - Guestbook |
||
Beware of Dog Feeling: tired i'm done letting people into my world. The only thing that EVER seems to come out of it is disappointment. I realize this is my fault.. i I heard someone say once.. "Expect nothing. Have no expectations. If you have no expectations, you can't be disappointed." My philosophy has always been.. "expect the worse." At least that way, I'll be prepared. Maybe I'll give this "expect nothing" thing a try. It's high time i start protecting myself, you know? Not being so open to people. Not offering myself up so eagerly. I think it's time i put up some kind of wall. I mean, it may sound silly, especially since i'm not usually the type to have such a wall.. but that's part of my problem, too. While i can be complicated and contradictory in regards to myself, once people get to know me i'm pretty honest and open. Enough so that it doesn't take much to figure me out. What i'm thinking. Granted, while most have been able to guess what i'm thinking.. few have been able to figure out WHY it is i do the things i do; to the point where they can forsee my next move. In such cases, i've been close enough these people to feel safe. I'm ok with them knowing me this well. It's comforting, even.. because i feel like i don't have to hide- i COULDN'T hide. They KNOW me. There have been very few people in my life who have succeeded at this, though. And yet.. i still feel alone. funny. So yes, a wall. I think two walls are in order. The first, allowing people into my world. My day to day life. While still allowing me to maintain a safe distance; behind my second wall. No one is allowed behind that second wall. It's too hard, it hurts too much, there's too much disappointment involved in letting people past that second wall. No. No more easy access. They can still have their perky friend. Her jokes. Her smile and laugh. But nothing else. Nothing that would make her have hope. Nothing that would get her to think "well maybe this person DOES understand.." No. Something needs to change. I've been saying that for a year now. I've made a lot of changes. Most i'm still going through. Some haven't been so good. The rest.. are long overdue. The problem is me. Maybe i don't know what I want. I say i feel alone and yet i want everyone to just stay away. In truth, i guess i wish they wouldn't. It's just that i'm tired of letting people in only to have them hurt me. If that's all they have to offer, then yes, i'd rather be left alone. I realize it'll take me a while to get used to being alone. I don't have a problem with being physically alone.. it's that emotional disconnection that i've always had a hard time with. I enjoy people. I enjoy discussion. Friendships. Emotions. All of that. People like me aren't built to be emotionally disconnected. I really think i need this, though. Maybe i'll change my mind at some point. Maybe i'll meet people that won't hurt me. Maybe i'll make friends that will make me want to take down these walls. Maybe.. maybe not for a while. It's no one's fault but my own. It's just that I'm so tired of it all. Very, very tired.
|
||
|