temporary insanity
Wed. 10.13.04 - 10:31 a.m.

Feeling: confused
Listening: you'll think of me - keith urban
Quote:

[continued from previous entry]

i feel like i need to just talk and talk and write and write.. because there's just SO MUCH going on in my head.. thoughts i want gone. things i don't want to think about.

I hate this commute. Of course it doesn't help that i was irresponsible and got in less than an hour of sleep last night from talking to adam. but we just got so far into the conversation and we didn't want to walk away from it upset.. though i guess there was really no way around that. At one point we finally gave up talking and decided to go to bed. I said goodbye and as soon as I hung it up, it rang again.

"i wasn't done saying goodbye to you."

"oh."

""i love you, you're my best friend, and it'll be ok."

"yeah."

"i want you to say it too..."

i think it might have been around that time that i started crying. it kills me to know that i let someone get this close to me again. i chose wrong again. i chose someone who not only didn't deserve it so much, but someone who doesn't feel the same way. For me to say how i feel.. to take down that wall and bare myself like that.. it takes a lot. especially when i know that it won't be reciprocated. i mumbled 'yeah, we're friends'.

"are you sure? you don't seem like you feel that way."

*little more sobbing and a deep breath*

"you're my best friend and i love you, too."

we said our goodnights. The entire time we talked he kept saying how he didn't want to lose me. How he could understand if i needed time, but that it scares him. "i'm afraid if i give that to you, i'll lose you. what we have."

He admits to wanting his cake and eating it too. He gets the emotional benefit of a girlfriend without the responsibility or commitment. And then he tries to negotiate with me on how i should be ok with the fact that he wants to sleep with my friend. that "you and i are just friends though.. so it doesn't matter. i'm not trying to replace you. you're in a completely different category."

don't fucking remind me.

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and she said "men will say and do anything they can to 1. get what they want and 2. make themselves feel better about it. Whether it's consciously or unconsciously." Then later, "he likes the way you make him feel."

And it dawned on me. The reason everyone does this with me. they get so attached.. because i have this crazy arse ability to make people feel GOOD. about themselves, about life, whatever. but i make them feel good. and loved. and maybe even needed. Maybe the fact that i know this, is why i'm so scared with people. I don't trust things to last. Mostly because it never has, but also because i feel like at some point they're going to take me for granted. Maybe i feel like this because feelings like that are anything to build on. It's always one-sided anyway. He kept saying last night "i don't understand why you think you're just temporary. you're not. i want you in my life always. no matter what. even if i had a girlfriend, that wouldn't change anything about you and i. what can i do to make you see that you're not just temporary to me?"

I didn't really have an answer for him.

"there's nothing i can do, huh."

"no."

how did i become emotionally invested in this friendship? how did i even find myself having these kind of feelings? granted, they're nowhere near the same level as how i felt for Ethe or the feelings that could possibly be there for John.. but there ARE feelings there. i think. i don't know. i'm confused..

we talked this morning before work and as usual, we were normal. i don't want to ruin this friendship. while part of me wishes i were enough for him to like in that way most of me just wishes that i could have him as a best friend, and not have feelings for him. I think i would be so much happier with that, actually. and not because i'm scared.. but because he and i.. we just shouldn't be like this. i just want his friendship. but maybe he's right and Buddha was right.. i can't seperate the two. I'm the kind of person that meshes all of that together.

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