Buddies for Life
Wed. 10.13.04 - 5:06 a.m.

Feeling: emotionally exhausted, physically numb
Listening: thoughts screaming in my head
Quote:

The other day Adam and I were talking and he admitted to having a crush on a friend of mine. He met her while he was here for the weekend and the few minutes they spent talking, they got along well. I noticed the flirting that was exchanged and while it did bother me a little, i just quietly sucked it up and let it go.. until he admitted to being interested in her.

I revealed to him that she, too, had mentioned that she thought he was 'hot' and it stung a little to see him perk up with the mention of that. We had a long talk about it that night in which i admitted that it bothered me. It bothers me for several reasons.. many of them that don't even have to do with the fact that i, myself, am attracted to him or that i'm a little jealous that he's attracted to her. Some of it goes back to the insecurity i grew up with as a kid.. that natural competitiveness i feel towards a lot of my girl friends. It's probably because growing up, i had a best friend who was also my cousin. Our moms were sisters who were competitive with eachother and that was then passed on to us, consciously or not. Add to the fact that yes, she was gorgeous and i felt like i could never fit in with the way i looked. Throughout my entire childhood i was insecure about this. Every time i liked a guy, she'd end up with him. It killed me.. but i never said anything, never admitted to it.. just sat by silently and settled for being his best friend. The one he connected to the most, while she had him in every other aspect. I remember a few years ago, Y and I flew to Hawaii and spent some time with her. I was SO nervous about the two of them meeting. My entire life, everyone has always thought she was beautiful, amazing. The only thing i ever felt confident on, the one thing that i KNEW i was better at than she was.. was school. But even that was manipulated to seem like a bad thing. I was geeky. too smart. nerdy. I really was never the jealous type but i sure did stress over the two of them meeting. Is he going to like her more than me? It really was childish insecurity but it was all i'd ever known. I had admitted to Y that i was insecure about their meeting and a bit of the reason behind it.. everyone always thought she was beautiful. more beautiful. we were always compared.

They met. And for the first time in my life.. someone didn't find her attractive.

"I don't know what you're talking about! She's not gorgeous. besides, she comes across like she knows she's beautiful and that's not attractive. The one thing that could be attractive is she carries herself with confidence. but really.. i didn't think she was that pretty."

"you're nuts. she's BEAUTIFUL! everyone says so. and they're right, too."

"nope, she's not pretty."

"you're stupid. Besides, you have no taste anyway.. that's been proven."

It was the weirdest thing for me.. no one had ever not been attracted to her and even more, wanted me more than her. When people wonder why I loved Y.. it's things like that. He did make me feel beautiful at times.

..but this whole thing with my friend.. fuck, it's killing me. because aside from my jealousy and the fact that i like him.. it just brings up all this STUFF. shit that i felt was buried. long gone. crap that i thought i'd never have to deal with ever again.

yet here it is.

to have to sit by and hear him say "god case, i love you. i adore you. you're everything to me. you're my best friend. you're close to my heart... but not like that."

it hurts.

and maybe me liking him... is just all about me trying to gain acceptance, yet again. maybe it has nothing to do with him. he IS a great person, despite how he may come across.. but i do know that he's not "it" for me. However, i know that we'd have a good short run. And for once, i'm ok with a short run. I'm too scared of long runs at the moment anyway.

We stayed up until 330am tonight, talking. Continuing our conversation from yesterday. He wants to make sure i'm ok. that "we're" ok. and i love him for that.. that he cherishes our friendship that much. but at the same time it's like.. if you care so much about me, if i'm SO wonderful and so great.. why wouldn't you want to be with me?

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