Space
Thurs. 10.14.04 - 2:11 p.m.

Feeling: hopeful
Listening: country stuff in the background
Quote:

It's funny what a little space can do for a person. I'm starting to really notice the changes i've made in my personality over the past year. For one, i crave alone time. I never used to be like that.. i always needed to have people around, be busy doing something. Now, I LOVE just being alone in my room, wandering the city alone, whatever it is.. just alone, every now and again.

I had a quick chat with Adam yesterday afternoon- he called to say hi while i was at work. He asked what i was thinking and i said i had a lot to say (i do- i've decided i need to set a lot of boundaries with him, voice them, and stick to it). We agreed to talk after i got off from work last night. I called him around 10pm.. but he was way too tired to talk, understandably from the lack of sleep the night before. He apologized that he was too tired to talk. "Maybe it wouldn't hurt to give it more time anyway."

I knew he was right so we hung up and i went to bed. I guess I was so tired i didn't even hear my phone go off this morning- Y messaging me to say he's looking forward to this weekend. Well, to having soup this weekend. See, he asked me a while ago to spend a day with him to make Portuguese soup. It's a family recipe my mom/grandma taught me and i used to make it for him when we lived together. I never really gave him a straight answer. This past week, i've been avoiding him.. i'm trying to phase people out of my life that i know aren't good for me and i think my 'friendship' with him is just really unhealthy for the BOTH of us right now. Maybe in the future we can be friends but just not now. Anyway, so yes, i've been avoiding him and his messages. The other day he messaged me to ask why i haven't been around and if i could sleep over saturday night after work and make soup with him. Not wanting to go or be mean, i said, "maybe" and figured he'd drop it. He didn't. "If you're too busy for me, that's ok." The way he said it, i knew he was being manipulative so i didn't reply.. decided i'd ignore his tactics. But then he threw me another one..

"You know, I just wanted to share this new 'step' of my life with you."

(regarding his move into his own place within the past week and his buying a new car, his dream car, in the past month)

I'll give you one good guess what my weak arse pathetic, gullible, self replied with.

"see you saturday."

fuq.

I've been trying to come up with ways to cancel.. and at one point i was determind to cancel. I thought I had a way out when girl-roomie reminded me that she, I and May had planned a sleepover for saturday. But after all this, do i look like i want to spend ANY freakin time with May at the moment? hell no. I need time to get over this. I'm mad at Monkey too. He took May's side on the whole thing- "friends can flirt with friends of friends". He asked me if i was going to warn her. WARN HER? Hell fucking no. You flirt, you better be ready to deal with the consequences. I know, bitter much? who, me?

I don't get people. I thought this was a universal rule. Seems like every girl i talk to agrees with me that there IS a rule but all the guys i know say there isn't. wtf?

While we're on the subject of me not connecting with people lately.. i got it from the most unexpected source yesterday. John called me in the afternoon to say hi. He knew about the situation with Adam and I mentioned to him that i wasn't going to San Diego anymore. His comment? "Well of course you're not- you won't have a d*ck in your mouth."

Normally I can take his sarcasm.. but it just didn't feel so funny this time. Maybe i'm just defensive about the whole thing because i know it's all just childish, dramatic and i'm above it. It hurt more coming from him though.. i just feel weird with him these days as it is.. but maybe usually that's just me.

After a good night's sleep, some space and introspection.. i feel a whole lot better about everything. I'm ready to just work on maintaining a friendship with Adam yet setting up some boundaries. I really do think that we can just be friends. And if we can't, well.. like my friend Jessica said.. "he put you in this position. and what kind of friend would do something like that?"

If he values our friendship, it'll all work out. If not.. good riddance, right?

Or something like that.

previous   next