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queen of mean Feeling: stressed, sick.. praying for indifference and that everything works out wow i sure am on a roll this week. Let's make a list of who i've managed to piss off/alienate/become pissed AT (in no particular order):
give me a minute.. i'm sure i'll come up with more names. blahhhhhhhh. i talked to adam last night for really the first time since our long chat the other night. I told him i wasn't going to san diego anymore with May. He tried to talk me out of it and i got mad at him for it. Then he suggested that maybe he should call May to explain. That was just the last straw. I told him that i was heading home, i'd give him her number since it appeared that he wanted it so damn bad and wished him a good night then proceeded to hang up on him as he repeatedly shouted 'case' into the phone. He text messaged me after that to say that i shouldn't have hung up on him, he wasn't done talking to me and that he'd cancelled his plans for the night and would be around if i wanted to talk. I ignored the message. I figured i needed some time away from him to think and get my bearings. During that time, ethe messaged me.. asking how i was feeling. he had caught me just as i hung up on adam and i couldn't help but vent on him. I'm starting to realize i just can't talk about these things with anyone. That's probably why john made that comment yesterday, and why ethe got mad at me last night too.. i'm sure it's just annoying to hear me ramble on and on about some boy who 1. my feelings aren't that strong 2. doesn't care about me in that way. The whole situation is dramatic and childish and it needs to stop now. About an hour later, he messaged me again implying that he decided to go out again.. probably to some bar. I tried calling him back and at first he didn't answer but then he picked up. I talked him out of going, so he headed back to his room while we were on the phone. We talked for a bit and he admitted to being an asshole lately. He said that he doesn't want me to like him and felt that by forcing me to bring May it would have helped the situation. 1. it would make him an asshole in my eyes 2. there would be someone else there, so we wouldn't have to worry about things being weird between the two of us and 3. he felt that by catering to my 'jealousy' it would have sent the wrong message so he felt even stronger that she should go even though he really didn't mind spending time with just me. He also said that i made him feel a little cornered and scared. understandably, i guess. I tried to explain that the entire situation just brought out a lot of things that weren't even about him and it may seem like i like him a lot more than i really do, but i don't. i DON'T want to like him. I DON'T want to have these feelings. I KNOW that this isn't worth it. It's not about me being scared to like someone or anything like that.. i just really rather have him as a friend. Yes, i still have a little crush on him but i'm trying to work on ridding myself of that. I don't want to discuss May for a while though, if ever. I told him that he hurt me and my trust level with him has definitely gone down. He apologized. He said that maybe this weekend wasn't a good time for me to visit as we both needed some time but that maybe in a week or two i could go down and we could hang out together. I told him that i needed some time and he said that he understood and that he'd be waiting when i was ready to talk to him again. Secretly i feel like he won't be. I feel like if i stop talking to him he'll forget how much fun we have together and he'll not care so much about our friendship.. but i need to 1. get rid of that insecurity and 2. realize that if a friendship is as dispensable as that, it's not worth it. We hung up on an ok note i guess. I know that i need space from him yet there's this other part of me that's just scared and feels like it wants to talk to him, just so i can feel normal again. It's like my stomach is in knots over this and i really shouldn't let things affect me this much so i'm hoping that by venting all of this in here it will help me get it off my chest enough to remove it from my brain and concentrate on other things. There's major damage control to be done in a lot of areas of my life at the moment. I feel like i've gotten a little lost so now i have to find my way 'back onto the path' again. I left a message for john yesterday but he never called back. He really did hurt my feelings with what he said, but maybe i deserved it with the way i haven't been taking anyone else's feelings into account lately either. Hopefully i'll get to talk to him today. annd.. well, sad to say this but i think i'll just put up with the sleepover with Y. I know it's asking for trouble, but maybe it won't be so bad. I'll definitely make sure i sleep on the couch. blah i'm freaked out about it but i need space from everyone right now and i certainly don't want to be home. At least with this way, i'll have a distraction because he freaks out when i'm on the phone with people while he's around. blah. I guess ethe was right before.. when i'm stressed i make the worst decisions.
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