no more ms. nice girl
Tues. 07.06.04 - 9:27 p.m.

Feeling: tired and headachey, but alright
Listening: nothing
Quote:

My day: long and exhausting.

I finally went to the park with Ronny. It was an adventure, let me tell ya. I loved the park - there was a pond and ducks; it was beautiful. Then he took me to the top of this hill at the park that had such an AMAZING view of the city. It was foggy, windy, and FREEZING but ugh.. so beautiful. I loved it.

Sad to say, i would have enjoyed it a lot more had i been alone.

He really upset me today. To describe me best, i'm like a kitten. Sweet, playful.. always friendly. But if you keep pressuring me, keep trying to push my limits.. there comes a point where i WILL swing around and bite. Persist and i'll claw you.

I'm probably the nicest girl you'll ever meet. Everyone tells me this. I'm starting to think they may be on to something.

But don't be fooled. I have my limits. Contrary to popular belief, i CAN be mean when provoked. And when provoked? I can be really nasty. It's the only defense i have, you know?

I got snippy with him today. Fine, yes, most people would be a lot bitchier but that was a little bitchy for me. I don't like being called that or using that word but dammit, he had it coming. He bothered me from the get-go, and then i caught him in a lie. Bastard. Don't EVER let me catch you playing mind games with me. I have no tolerance for it. I didnt even check out most of the park- i got so frustrated i told him i wanted to go home. He got upset when i wouldn't go home with him to watch a movie.

Fuck him.

I'm done being nice. I said no. No means no the first time. I don't care if you just wanted to hang out. I don't care if you're a nice guy. I said no and i was nice about it. That doesn't give you a right to play on my sympathies. I don't need some selfish jerk making comments in an effort to make me feel guilty. I'm the kind of girl that feels guilty for a million different reasons EVERY SINGLE DAY. I feel guilty just fine, on my own.

Don't test my niceness, alright?

I walked away from him at the intersection with the feeling that he finally GOT IT. On the way home a million different scenarios ran through my head about work and what he'd say to our mutual friends.. and you know what conclusion i came to?

WHO CARES.

I need to just not really care about what people think. And can i just say.. the thought of not caring what anyone thinks is just so.... refreshing. It's like a weight being lifted.

I admit i moped around my room for a bit. I've had a headache since i got home. I just wish it would go away. I don't like being reminded of this afternoon. It's one of those nights where i wish i had someone to curl up next to and just unload on.

Funny thing though.. my friend Moses just called to say he was in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by and hang out. God, exactly what i need; a real friend, no pressure, just hanging out and having fun. My guess is we'll shoot some pool and my headache will be gone within an hour.

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