it's so hard to say goodbye
Wed. 07.07.04 - 10:09 p.m.

Feeling: lonely
Listening: nothing
Quote: Many times I wondered whether my achievement was worth the loneliness I experienced, but now I realize the price was small. -G.

I hate goodbyes.

Last night Moses came over. I thought he wanted to hang out and play pool but he actually wanted to tell me that he moves to San Jose on Saturday. I knew he was moving eventually but ugh, it's so fast. I know we're not best friends or anything but he's probably been the one friend that i've made out here besides Monkey that I respect the most.

To top it off, Co@st Gu@rd-boy came over yesterday to say goodbye. He goes underway for the next 2 1/2 months. He won't be back until around September 15th.

Yes, he's back in my life. In a different way though. Late one night recently, after he had just gotten back from a weeklong class the CG sent him to in Hawaii, he messaged me to say that he was sorry about the way things ended with us. I think being in Hawaii reminded him of me and got him to thinking about just.. stuff. I won't go into detail about what's going on with his life, but i think he just wants a close friend and i tend to be (naively or not) nuturing that way. So when he called to apologize for things, I called him back and laughed at him. hehe.

Hey, no shame in kickin' 'em while they're down.

I told him that i hadn't expected anything from him nor did i WANT anything from him or anyone for that matter. I went on to tell him that i had suspected he assumed i wanted more but in an effort to stay closed-off to him i didnt say anything. I kept quiet. We talked for a long time.. and i dunno, we've been trying to be friends. It's funny and weird, i guess. He came over one day to play pool. We hung out and ate pizza. That was about two weeks ago. We made plans to hang out again and i had a copy of a tv show he wanted but we both ended up being too busy. Yesterday morning he called me to say that he wanted to stop by to say goodbye before he had to leave on Thursday. It was nice.. we just hung out and talked. Talked about silly things and things that mattered to each of us. He looked through my pictures around my room.

I noticed that about him before.. he never paid attention to the things in my room. The pictures. I love pictures and they surround my room. My family, my friends. Whenever people come into my room they spend lots of time just looking at my pictures, asking who the people are. I assumed he never cared to look at them simply because he didn't want to know. And i was right. But now, i dunno.. he's different. At one point he even complained about how i never call him. And i don't. Not unless he calls or messages me first. I simply don't bother with him.. and he expressed his frustration over it. He asked me to email him while he was gone.. i promised i would. Go ahead and call me naive, i don't care. I've spent a bit of time with him on the phone and in person lately and i've gotten a glimpse of the kind of person he is deep down. When he's not trying to put on this act. When that wall isn't up.

I think he trusts me because he sees my wall too.

Last night after Moses left, i went to my room and cried for a bit. I don't know why. He said some really great things. Not things that i haven't heard before. Not things that John hadn't already told me, but still.. i guess i've always been stubborn and i listen in my own time. He said something that i thought was so important (in regards to the situation with Ronny). "Trust your instincts. Don't brush them aside and tell yourself you're being egotistical. If you feel threatened or nervous by someone, THERE'S A REASON FOR IT. Stay away from him."

He left shortly after. I went to my room and Y called me to ask what time i was heading down to SJ on Wednesday (i needed to pick up some boxes and he was kind enough to help me). I told him i'd meet him around 3:30/4 but wasn't sure what i was doing before that. He got irritated and snippy with me and hung up the phone shortly thereafter.

I think it was just the final straw in a stressful day and i found myself bawling into a pillow. Then my phone rang.

Co@st Gu@rd-boy.

He asked what was wrong and for the first time i found myself actually telling him how i really felt, what was really bothering me. I had never really opened up to him before. I haven't really opened up to anyone here with the exception of Monkey. I felt so bad after.. he was really upset that I was upset. He offered to come over but his friends were at his place and couldn't leave them as they were semi-passed out after having started their goodbye celebration.

I wouldn't have wanted him to come anyway. I think it's sweet and very much appreciated, the sentiment. But i need to deal with these things on my own, you know? Besides, i'm still not willing to completely open myself up to just anyone.

We talked a little.. i told him about my plans to go to SJ to get my boxes (he was here the day i got the email that they needed to be picked up). He was upset that i didn't ask him to help me with them and instead enlisted the help of Y who, despite having done a lot of things for me and should be really commended on that, still gives me grief while doing so. I told him I wasn't his responsibility and that i didn't want him helping me with things like that. He Argued back, even offering to give my phone number to his best friend "in case you need anything while i'm gone."

Thanks, but no thanks.

Then he got a little stranger. I know that he'd been drinking, and he even said a few times "don't pay attention to me, i'm drunk." But seriously. He actually said, "Casey if things were different.. if i didn't feel the way i feel about relationships and you didn't feel the way you feel, YOU KNOW that me and you..."

And i blocked him out. I don't know where the HELL he was going with that but i certainly didn't want to know. Maybe he's playing some game. Maybe he's just trying to say with what he THINKS i want to hear because afterwards he said "Are you sure that's what you want?" (referring to me not wanting a relationship with anyone at the moment nor me feeling anything more for him other than friendship)

I told him "YES! of course i'm sure. I thought we had this conversation already."

"Yes, we did. But when i look in your eyes i don't see that-"

I cut him off. I didn't even know how to respond to that. I know i got really angry and i probably started crying again. He asked me to stop crying.

Forget the fact that my heart's still healing. Forget the fact that it's still somewhere else. I don't like him that way. I DON'T want anything more than just friendship. I don't want anyone right now and even if i WERE in a place where i wanted something with someone, i'm not even kidding myself when I say that he and i would never EVER go very far. He's not my type. He's fun, nice and maybe even protective at times. But he's also selfish and immature and we don't have a lot in common. He's just simply not my type.

I don't know what the hell he thinks he's seeing in my eyes. I know that i tend to be very flirty. I've been told my eyes have this playful sparkly crap thing goin on.. but hell, i do it to everyone and for everything! It doesn't mean i'm friggin in love with you and oohwontyoubemyhusbandrightthisminute?! I tried arguing with him to make him understand where i was coming from. I'm not so sure he got it but i ended up being too exhausted to argue.

He told me to go to bed, made me promise 1. email him while he was gone because "you don't know how good it feels to get a letter from home while you're deployed." and 2. "wake up every morning with a smile, ok?"

"I'll call you tomorrow and then we head for San Diego.. we leave there around the 15th. I'll call you then, too. But after that, that's the last time you'll get a call from me until September. Email me, alright? I don't even have your email Casey. Seriously, email me. And don't forget to wake up with that smile"

Am i in a movie, or what?

ugh. WHEN did my life get so WEIRD. That's all i can describe it as. weird. i don't get it.

SJ was ok.. Y made his usual comments. I almost teared up at one point but ugh i'm so sick of crying. I also got a blood test done to checkup on my thyroid. I ran out of pills so i haven't taken one today. fudge. Who knew blood tests were so expensive? $80. WITH a discount. and now i have to buy pills? crap. i'm poor as it is.

I got home and Y bitched about having to unload the boxes out of the car. Sorry, i'm not normally a princess. I hate people carrying or buying things for me but i SO didn't want to risk messing up my arm after the blood test. I've done it before to where it hurt for over a week after.

I just had this sad feeling after he unloaded the boxes into the front entryway (i told him i'd move them to my room on my own) and watched him leave. I don't know what's going on with me. There's this lingering feeling of loneliness the past few days. I miss hugs. i just want a hug, dammit. Yesterday when Co@st Gu@rd-boy was here, he was goofing off with the chair from my desk; leaning back in it. I told him to be careful because i've fallen from it a few times. He continued messing with it. At one point i kinda bumped into him and he flipped and fell flat on his butt. I couldn't stop laughing between my "i'm so sorry! i didn't mean to!" and helping him up. There was this moment where i was laughing so hard and he just pulled me into him and hugged me and he smiled and it was just so GENUINE and friendly and yeah.. hugs like that. I miss those.

I remember once when i was a kid i was throwing some sort of tantrum in front of my grandma and she just grabbed me, pulled me into a hug against my will, wouldn't let go. i remember crying and thinking "god, this is exactly what i needed and wanted." Sometimes i think about that. How i wish people just KNEW when a person needed a hug.

Tonight i opened a box and pulled out one of my old books. A tiny newspaper clipping fell out of it.

My grandma's obituary.

I hate goodbyes.

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