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self-defeating Feeling: drained I just spent the last half hour crying to M. I guess it's been building up... i haven't really been able to talk to anyone and i've certainly been neglecting this space. I think it's time i start writing again. I found out this week.. that a friend of mine might be interested in me. I met him through work and he's been a really great friend to me from the beginning. He's such a sweet, caring, friendly guy. I remember him telling me on occasion "if you ever need anything, even just to talk and it's 3am, just call me!" I thought that was the sweetest, nicest thing in the world.. it sounded like something i'd say to someone; something i've always wished someone would care enough to say to me. He's been a great friend in that he's always asking how i'm doing, trying to get me to hang out or go to a club/party with the gang. Majority of the time i've been busy.. but this past Saturday I promised to go out with them, as i felt bad for continuously saying 'no thanks' when invited. We all met up at a club/bar.. i dragged my other friend Moses with me as i didn't feel comfortable showing up alone. I kind of stuck to Moses and Amanda for most of the night.. Ronny kept trying to buy me drinks and i finally agreed with the agreement that he was buying Amanda drinks too (i felt like it was too personal in a way). I had two drinks yet he kept pushing for me to drink more. "Just tell me what you want, and I'll get it for you." I told him thanks, but no thanks.. that i was done. Throughout the night there were comments. At the time i didn't think anything of it.. i just chalked it up to him being a guy (aka perverted and flirty). (While leaning into me) "Wow you smell really great." "I love your hair- it's so sexy"
At one point Amanda was helping me pin my shirt closed (Moses and I were about to play a game of pool and i wanted to make sure my shirt wouldn't REVEAL ALL). The only way she could pin it, was to practically lift up the entire front of my shirt.. so we huddled in a corner.. my back to the rest of the place. Ronny came over and asked what we were doing; even though it was pretty obvious. I yelled at him to go away, that Amanda was pinning my shirt. He kept peering over her shoulder. I yelled at him again, and again he didn't listen until Amanda told him to go away, "obviously she doesn't want you looking." For much of the night i juggled between being alone and standing near Moses. At the end of the night when everyone else decided to head home, Moses, Ronny and I grabbed something to eat at a nearby diner. We got out around 3:30 and waited for the next bus to take us home (the three of us live near eachother). At the bus stop, I left Ronny and Moses to themselves to lean against a tree about 10-15 feet from where they were. I just felt like i needed to be alone. I don't even know why, I just did. I made myself look busy by text messaging people. After some time, Ronny came over to me.. started apologizing for the fact that i was out so late. Said he was sorry for dragging me out and that now i was having to wait for a bus at 3am. I told him not to apologize, that i'd had a lot of fun and was glad i came. Then he made a comment which i can't remember now.. but i smiled. He said "nah, i just wanted to see that sexy smile" and again i was left to laugh his comment off nervously. After that I just looked away, didn't really talk much.. so he walked back over to Moses. The bus ride home was uneventful.. it dropped us off about 7 or 8 blocks from my house. Moses had his car parked about 10 blocks in the opposite direction. I didn't feel like waiting for the next bus with Ronny and again, i just had this desire to be alone. I told them i was just going to walk home and as soon as the bus let us off, i booked it across the street. I heard them calling my name but i didn't look back. It was a little scary and probably not the smartest thing for me; to be walking home alone at 4:30am in the city but i just wanted to get home. I needed to see my things. I needed to feel safe and comfortable again. It was like I was gasping for air and my oxygen tank was back in my room. As soon as i stuck my key in the door my phone went off. Ronny. I felt bad about ignoring it- he was probably just checking to see if i was okay.. but I didn't feel like talking to anyone either. I didn't answer. He called the next morning and again, i didn't pick up. He left a voicemail. I didn't listen to it. I worked that day. Amanda and I ended up having the same lunch hour so we grabbed some food together. On the walk there she just blurted out "SOoo.. what do you think of Ronny?!" Keep in mind that Amanda and Ronny are best friends. Very close. He introduced her to his other best friend.. who she's currently infatuated with. I answered.. "umm.. you're scaring me. why do you ask?" "ohhh.. nothing. I just think that you two would make a great couple." "UM. NO. nuh uh. i'm not interested in him that way. Besides, i'm not looking at the moment anyway. Ronny knows that, too." "Well that's cool... i was just checking.. cuz yeah, i think you two would be really great together. blah blah blah" I tuned out. All i heard her say later was "don't get freaked out or act different though" I told her not to worry about it, it wasn't a big deal. And it wasn't. I figured he probably put her up to it.. that she was just testing the waters and once she got back to him that i wasn't interested he'd go back to friend mode. That night i checked my voicemail and came across the one Ronny had left that morning. All i remember hearing was "i'm sorry about last night... if i did anything wrong i apologize. I just want us to be cool.. like we were before. Why can't we be friends like we were?.." It was sweet.. but it also got me a little scared. ugh. I'm starting to see how guys scare me easy now. The slightest bit of attention... and i freak out. Yesterday I stopped by work for an interview. When it was over i climbed the stairwell to leave the building.. and heard someone behind me. Just when i reached the top, i turned around to see who it was- Ronny. "hey! i thought that was you.." We chatted for a bit. It felt awkward. I had made plans with him about a week ago to check out this park he goes to sometimes, as he knows how i love running in the one near my house. We discussed our schedules. I told him i was off Mon.-Wed. but he wasn't really free until Wednesday; he didn't start work until 3:30pm that day. He said he'd call to confirm so i told him to call Tuesday night. He called that night (Monday night) and i ignored it. I decided to call him back this morning because i wanted to just confirm for the park.. get it over with. He asked if i wanted to grab some lunch before he had to head into work.. i told him that i actually had yet to get out of bed then i needed to do laundry badly. He made some comment about me still being in my "sexy lingerie" I brushed it off, thanked him for the offer for lunch, confirmed about the park tomorrow and wished him a good day. Fast forward to tonight. He calls. I figured it was to confirm for the park (yes, AGAIN). I asked if 10:30am was a good time to meet him.. if that would give him enough time to head in to work. He dodged my question and asked if i got everything done that i needed to do today (Tuesday) as I had said i needed to do laundry, clean my room, get some work done for my classes. I told him that no, i still hadn't done my laundry. Then he said that he was going to watch Spiderman 2.. that his friend invited him and had asked if i wanted to join them. I've never met this friend. I don't know how he would know about me unless Ronny said something. ugh. I told him that i was interested in watching the movie but i wouldn't be able to hang out much after as I did need to finish up some things.. so if i met up with them to watch it, that would be it. I started to think about how i was going to get everything done tomorrow.. so i asked what time were they planning on watching it (thinking it would be late night as Ronny had work). "Oh around 5pm or so." "Wait.. how are you watching the movie if you have work?!" "Oh i took it off." "how come?" "I wanted to spend the day with you." blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i can't do this. I CANNOT DO THIS. I DON'T want someone to care about me. Especially someone who i'm not interested in. I just wanted a damn friend. THAT'S ALL I WANTED! I don't need this.. i don't need this pressure or this attention.. God, i don't need this. I told him maybe we'd just watch spiderman, check out the park another day.. that i had a lot of work to do. We made plans to watch it in the morning and i got off the phone with him as quickly as i could. By the time i got to M's room i could feel the lump in my throat. I felt like such a baby. I don't know why i'm this way. M yelled at me to just tell him how i feel. "i don't understand why it's so hard for you to be mean to people." "because i don't want to. it's not nice to be hurt." "tell me something mean." "but i dont have anything mean to say about you." "tell me something mean!" cut to 12 minutes later.. "stop being an asshole." "there. was that so fucking hard? took you long enough! 12 minutes!" "you timed me?" "yes! god. i've never met anyone like you." YOu know, there was a time where that would have made me feel so good to hear that. To be told i was such a nice person. Now i'm just a fucking pushover. This girl that gets trampled on. The one who REFUSES to be mean to someone unless they're BLATANTLY mean to her first. I hate this girl. I wish i could shed her. M told me "why cant you just tell him to back the fuck off. That you need space for now. that you don't want this attention. From him or from anyone for a while." "i don't want to hurt his feelings" "He's not caring about your feelings! Why are you putting everyone before you?! You need to come first. You know what i think? I think for some reason you're afraid of consequences. You're self-defeating. You're worried about how he'll react. How Amanda will react for you not liking her friend. HOw everyone will feel. What about how you feel. Why are you sacrificing for others? You don't sacrifice! The only time you sacrifice is when it's reciprocal. This isn't reciprocal. He's not a boyfriend. He's not a husband. There shouldn't be sacrifice. I'd love to meet the person that programmed you. God, you're so... you behave the way women are in cultures where they're suppressed. Who wants someone to be weak? And yet you're being that way. Tell him how you feel. There's nothing wrong with that. And if he continues to act like a dick, tell him he'll have to deal with me. You need to be true to your feelings though. Essentially you're being fake. By putting on this nice act you're preventing from getting what you really want. You're making yourself unhappy." I'm sick to God of being a weak, procrastinating pushover. So why the hell can't I seem to change it?
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