baby steps
Wed. 06.30.04 - 9:50 a.m.

Feeling: irritated, annoyed, frustrated, stressed out... you name it.
Listening: M shuffling around in his room
Quote:

I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. I remembered that I had planned to go watch Spiderman with Ronny and I dreaded his phone call. I threw the covers over my head in an attempt to block out every one and every thing.

Who knew the covers thing doesn't work?

Ronny called around 9:30 to make sure i was up and ready to go watch the movie. He mentioned that he had actually ended up inviting Amanda and Camille to come too. He always does that- just invites people at the last minute until you have this full blown GANG cavorting through the city. On this day it boded well for me because it gave me a way to back out of going without feeling too guilty; he'd still have friends with him.

But when he called at 9:30 and said that everyone was planning to meet at his place in an hour, despite the fact that i DREADED having to go, I said that i'd hurry over there.

He said "well for you i can push it back to 10:45.. that way you have time. Or we can just pick you up."

"No, that's ok.. i'll walk over."

"Are you sure? We can pick you up, that way you have a little more time."

As we're going through this i suddenly think to myself- OH. MY. GOD. I'm talking to MYSELF! HE'S MY TWIN! This guy is just as much of a pushover as i am. blahh I've always seen how he tries so hard to please everyone. Most of the time it's sweet and endearing but then there are times where it's just annoying as hell because you want a person to have an opinion, a stance, to even be aggressive at times.

Last night M said i seem to confuse meanness with aggressiveness.

I'm starting to understand what he meant.

So i told Ronny i'd go. I hung up. I dragged myself out of bed...... and sat in my desk chair.

I just sat there like that for a bit. Thinking. Thinking about the long conversation i'd had with M last night.

"You're too nice. Try saying no sometimes. Take baby steps- just say No to little things here and there."

I thought about how i simply didn't want to go. I didn't feel like using up 5 hours of my day just to watch a movie (they were going to grab lunch before the 1 o'clock show). I'm in DIRE need of clean clothes. My room looks like a tornado blew through it. I have to type up instructions for a class i did last month. I have legitimate things to do. I simply don't want to be spending money right now, either.

Baby steps.

I called him back.

"Yeah I don't think i'm going to go... i'm sorry."

"aww really? how come? we can pick you up.."

"Nah... i need to do laundry, i won't make it there in time and i don't want to spend the money."

"Well i guess that's alright"

*insert guilty but kind of annoyed feeling here*

"We're still going to go to the park after though, right?"

argh. I guess it shouldn't be so bad.. i'm sure i'll love the park. By then i should have my laundry done, too.

Camille starts to move in her stuff tonight, after the movie. M leaves for Boston in 2 hours.

God, why can't I be on a plane for Boston, too?

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