Perceptions
Wed. 08.18.04 - 12:51 p.m.

Feeling: determined
Listening: love story - henry mancini
Quote: "Whether you think you can or think you can't , you are right." -Henry Ford

Yesterday I took the train down to San Jose for an interview at a scr@pb00k store. It's the store I teach classes at; they want to hire me on as a full-time teacher. I'd work Wednesday through Saturday. I'll write more about the details of it later though.. i'm still trying to work it all out.

Anyway, before I'd left the city, Y asked me to call him. He said that he'd give me a ride to the train station from the store after I was done (i haven't told him why i was there yet). After my interview, I called him. He said he'd be there in 20 minutes so i went outside to wait for him. I always laugh at the fact that there's an auto parts store right next to the scr@p store. I just think it's genius. Anyway, I was sitting on the steps near the walkway for about 5 minutes when this guy came out of the AP store from behind me. "Are you waiting for someone?" he asked. I thought I was about to get into trouble for sitting on the steps on the sidewalk so i asked cautiously, "why?"

"Oh nothin.. just wondering."

Me: "oh ok. yeah, i'm waiting for my ride."

"oh i see. I never see anyone out here."

Me: "yeah, I guess it is pretty quiet here."

"Yeah I always have to take my breaks alone. Plus i'm new to the area.. so i don't know very many people as it is."

And i found myself just having this nice conversation with a total stranger. I was completely relaxed, not feeling like i had to impress anyone.. i was just me. Funny, Chatty.. ME. We found out that we actually just live about 20 minutes from eachother- he lives just outside the city and commutes to SJ for work. Fifteen minutes later I saw Y's car approaching so I stood up, "well it was nice meeting you, but i have to go. my ride's here. have a great day!" and as i went to walk away he stopped me, reached out for my hand to shake it- "Hey what was your name again?"

"Casey."

We did the whole introduction and goodbye thing and i walked off to Y's car. Inside I was dreading what Y was about to say. Ever since we broke up, anytime he's caught someone who he THINKS is looking at me, he'll make a comment like it's my FAULT. haha like i'm inviting attention of some sort. But when I got in the car he said the funniest thing.

"He's looking at your ass."

"what?" *looks up to see him watching the car as we drive off*

"that guy. He was looking at your ass when you walked away."

"Whaaat? no he wasn't. He was just bored on his break. We were just chatting. He was probably just looking at the car. There's nothing else to look at anyway. You're such a perve."

"um. He's looking at your ass and I'M the perve?!"

haha i had to laugh at that. I think the guy was just being friendly and he meant nothing much by it. But it did manage to get me to thinking. I'm friendly. I'm not as uncool to talk to or approach as I like to think, especially when i relax and be myself. It got me to thinking about a lot of other things as well on the train ride home (i'll get back to that in a minute).

We drove to Japan Town so I could get some Hawaiian and Japanese groceries. To get there, we always drive past SJ State.. through the streets where all the fraternities and sororities are. I miss San Jose. I remember I used to LOVE driving along that street. Looking at all the houses, thinking about school. For some reason it always makes me smile, passing those houses. We also passed the library on the way there and I got so excited. I haven't been to the library since I left SJ. I miss it so bad. It was such a GORGEOUS library too. I spent so much time there right before Y and I broke up. I was reading so many books that last month. I'd make trips there several times a week, going through 4+ books a week. I need to find a library here in SF. I love the one in SJ so much though..


I talked to Ethe when I got home. Things were pretty strained at first. We managed to laugh a few times and by the end of the night things were a lot better.. but they still didn't feel quite right. I think we both just wanted to pretend it wasn't there. Or maybe he was hoping i didn't see it. I don't know if it's him or me.. or the both of us. I know for sure I feel him pulling away. He's distant. He doesn't seem to be as interested. It makes me angry only because if you're not interested- TELL THE OTHER PERSON, ya know? But no, he tells me that he loves me, that he can't wait until next week (i'm still scared he won't show up) but.. I've heard those words before. This time.. i mean, he sounds like he really means it.. but I just can't help but be afraid. And on top of everything, I'm just tired. There's a lot going on in my life and i'm just sick of letting people hurt me. I'm sick of being such a doormat all in the name of "love." I do love him. But he's not supposed to make things this hard. When I talk to him I believe he won't let me down. That we'll have a great time in Boston next week. But when i'm not around him... i'm CERTAIN he'll screw me on this. I don't know if that's because i'm insecure, i've been hurt, i'm afraid to believe in good things.. or a combination of all three. Whatever it is, it's wearing on me. I'm trying REALLY hard to just stay positive.. I'll get my answer next Thursday, right? Doesn't make the fact that i'll be alone, in Boston, with no friends, no money, nowhere to stay. I could kick myself for the situations I put myself in.

I can already feel myself pulling away though. I mean, i'm still very much attached emotionally to him.. but i see myself closing off, little by little. I don't tell him the little details of my day anymore. I don't tell him the great things that happened that made me smile or laugh. I don't include him in my life as much as i used to. Partially because i think i'm preparing myself for when i have to make the decision to shut him out of it, should he flake on me next Thursday. But the other part.. I think.. is because the hurt.. has finally taken its toll. That conversation we had yesterday.. the one that made me realize how he truly sees my flaws now and uses them as a reason to stay away from me... well, it makes it hard to trust him. To trust him enough to tell him things about my day, my fears, my shortcomings. It makes it hard for me to bare myself to him like I used to. I don't trust that he'll accept me anymore. There's no innocence anymore. Maybe i'm asking for too much. Maybe I want someone who'll see me in this perfect light.. i don't know. But i certainly don't want to have someone know how flawed i am, and judge me for it. I know i'm not perfect. I know i have things to work out. But i'm still a great girl. I don't like to say that, I don't like to build myself up.. but you know what? I'm tired of having to pretend that I'm just average. For the most part i think I do look average (i clean up decent though, i swear!). But you know what? I can be FUNNY and SMART and CREATIVE and a BLAST to be around. I'm so sick of people not seeing that. Part of that's my fault too. I'm always so cautious. So afraid to just RELAX and be ME that I hold back. Or i'm afraid of sounding egotistical, so i tear myself down.

Sure, there are a few guys that have told me that i'm pretty great.. but they're always my FRIENDS. Like John or Adam. I don't talk about Adam much, but he's always been a total big brother to me. We haven't kept in touch as much as we used to.. but we've been emailing back and forth lately.. he knows everything that's been going on. The other day he said "You complain about the men in your life. You give everything to the ones that don't deserve it and not enough to the ones that do."

I told John that I was sorry the other morning, when we talked on the phone. He's sweet to be protective when he's made it very clear that he thinks i'm setting myself up to be hurt and it's frustrating as a friend to watch.

Hell, it's frustrating to GO THROUGH!

I don't ENJOY this. I don't ENJOY being hurt or scared or crying. But I need to do this. I need to try. I've never had this kind of connection before and I love Ethan and .. I just want a chance. I think he's an incredible person and I admire him a lot. He's not perfect, i know. I'm not either. Right now, I'm willing to accept all of that and try at this harder than i've ever tried before. I'll do as much as I can. I can't MAKE him love me or want to be with me. I can't MAKE this work. And if it doesn't work out, it'll suck, but FINE. OK. I'll find a way to deal with it. At least I can say I gave it everything though. And I have tried. I've given it everything that i possibly could being here and him being there.. maybe more than I ever should have. But it's something I wanted to do. I'm starting to look at it in a different light. How lucky I am to be able to say that 1. I gave everything in me and 2. I trusted and loved that hard. Despite everything else, *I* loved, *I* gave, *I* tried. I have nothing to be ashamed or angry for and everything to be proud of. I think I owe it to my grandmother that i can love with that type of intensity and not have the person ever doubt my feelings for them.

Admittedly, at times it kills me.. that I give SO much of myself to people.. because I want them to have everything they need.. to the point of making myself empty. And THEN i'm judged for that. For being this semi-empty shell of a person after they've gone and taken it all. It's sickening.

I thought a lot about the way i am, why I do what i do, on the train ride home yesterday. I thought about how i'm so sick of being modest. Of playing down my talents. I'm so sick of putting myself down. I'm not striving to be arrogant.. but shit you know what? There's nothing wrong with being confident and KNOWING what you're good at. For the most part i'm actually good at just about anything I try. There are a few things I kick arse at too.. and it's time I recognize that. The only thing i'm accomplishing here is allowing everyone to percieve that i'm this weak, insecure, incapable being. I'm far more intelligent that I let on.. often because I let my heart guide me more often than I should.

Him: schindler's list theme, performed by itzhak perlman
Him: it makes me think of you
Hamak0san:: how come
Him: because it's beautiful but at the same time sort of cloaked in this sadness
Hamak0san:: oh ethe... i'm not as tragic or fragile as you think..
Him: no, but you're hurt
Hamak0san:: yeah..
Hamak0san:: but i'm still strong
Hamak0san:: i just dont like to show it
Hamak0san:: my mom was always so hard. strong. too strong. she never cried.. never showed emotion unless it was anger. I associated strength with hardness. i guess i came to the conclusion that if I were softer.. if I let myself appear not as strong.. people would feel better. they'd be more comfortable. maybe even.. they'd love me easier

I'm capable and worth so much more than i've been projecting. Screw that. It's just wasteful. Ever since I was a kid, I just KNEW that I was going to make things happen. I just KNEW IT. I think that's what pulled me through everything. I knew that at some point everything would work out. Things would be amazing because I was capable of SO much. I've been wasting time these last few months.. years, even. As much as it's been my saving grace, it's been my downfall too. I think knowing/thinking I was destined for greater things made me feel like I could sit back. Like it was just going to HAPPEN. The same thing with school. I didn't study because I didn't have to- my grades were alright without me even having to try. But damn, "alright" isn't enough for me anymore. I want WAY more than that. I want exceptional. I'll settle for amazing.. or maybe even just 'really great'.

Either way, it's time I bust my arse and work hard at making things happen. From now on, I come first. MY LIFE comes first. And anyone that wants to be a part of that is going to have to show that not only do they WANT to be there, but that they DESERVE to be there. I won't waste my time on immense worrying anymore. I have way too much going for me to let little things get in the way of that.

I'm going to get every damn thing i've ever wanted.. and more.

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