the refuseable offer
Thurs. 07.28.05 - 9:43 a.m.

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it's funny how things are one way, one moment.. and in a second they can just flip into a completely opposite position.

Confession time, yet again. Despite the fact that J and i haven't been dating for very long, and despite the fact that i've wanted to run off scared every chance i've had.. we've been having some pretty serious conversations lately. The thing is, as much as i realize i'm not ready to completely dive into "the next step" i can't say it's not something i want. Fact of the matter is, i've come to realize that he IS what i want and that i CAN see myself spending the rest of my life with him. What's more, is that i WANT to. The glitch is that i spent my childhood AS WELL AS 4 years of my adult life, suppressed. I don't blame my ex, in many ways it was my own fault.. it's just the way things worked out. But when you go from being tied down for so long and finally develop your freedom and independence, you're not so quick to give it up. Such is the case here. I love him, i want to be with him, but i'm not ready to 1. live with him 2. share my space 100% 3. FEEL tied down.. the list could go on and on. I realize the problem is all in my head. It's about how *I* choose to see things in my world.

Here's where it gets sticky. He found out that i've been having trouble financially combined with the fact that i'm always sick with NO medical AND i want to go back to school. So the other day, while i was in the midst of a mini-meltdown when faced with opening up an IRS letter (ARGH!) he said he had an idea. "now hear me out before you shoot this down, ok?" i was so sure he was abotu to add to the millions of lectures i've received about moving back to san jose. Instead, he completely caught me offguard by suggesting we.. get married.

The thing is, he's mentioned this before, casually and i completely shot him down. Are you nuts?! i'm not the kind of person who just marries someone for money. besides, i can take care of my damn self DESPITE what my ex or others may think. I won't lie and say that it wouldn't help me out IMMENSELY and yeah, probably fix a lot of what's stressing me out the most. I told him no at first. He told me to think about it. I did. And the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i wanted it. And not just because of monetary reasons..

i really want to do this with him. I really want us to be together. I want us to be married. I want to be his wife.... as SO NOT READY as i am. god. so what does one do? you want something SO BAD.. but you KNOW you're not 100% ready.

So i thought about it. And i decided that i wanted to do this. EVEN THOUGH he said "this would just be an arrangement case, because you're nto ready and i want it to be done right when we're both really ready and i don't want us to feel cheated." It's all so damn complicated. It sounds so cheap and wrong but if only you could see that i really just wanted this simply because i want to be with him. So last night, after thinking on it for a while, and for probably one of the few times in any relationship i've ever been in, i was completely upfront with him about what i felt. I was honest about the fact that i wasn't ready for the "pressure" i felt it came with, but that i secretly liked being this way with him and that this is what i wanted. I realized that he brought this up because he wanted to help me (though i think secretly, he also brought it up because he really wanted it to be true all that way) and i can't deny that it WOULD help me, but that's not all of why i even considered it. We talked for maybe 30 minutes and after pouring my heart out to him..

he changed his mind. said he didn't want to do it anymore. said that he wanted to do it completely right, and that he saw it happening in a year or so.

I knew i was hurt, but i don't think i really realized just how hurt i was until i had the night to sleep on it and think it over. Basically, i told him i wanted to go to bed and that i'd talk to him the next day. I went to bed feeling rather upset. I woke up a lot last night. LOTS of bad dreams. One of which included a trip to a county fair. I was working in a booth and he was supposed to stop by with his friends to say hi. Only, he never did. About an hour after the fair was over, i mentioned to a friend of mine that i was upset he never came when she said to me, "what do you mean? he was here. he said hi to me." and i found out that he'd been there, but never cared to come see me. I realize it's my fear driving my dreams.. but what does that say? It says that i'm afraid that he doesn't care.. and yeah, i'm ashamed to admit that as much as i understand his point on the matter, it still doesn't take the hurt away. It really stings when you pour your heart out to someone, are completely honest with them, tell them what they've told you it's ok to say.. and you're simply rejected. That's what this is, isn't it? a rejection. It's funny, because i say i'm not ready and i wasn't even seriously considering doing something like this so soon.. and yet, now that it's been 'dangled' in front of me, i realize that it was something i wanted. And the more i think about it, the more i'm upset. Am i experiencing deja vu? You know, Y and i were together for 4 years. You can't live with someone for 4 years and NOT talk about marriage. It's inevitable. I was SO sure i wanted to be married to him. And i was! We would have been! had he not.. chickened out. That's the only way i can describe it. We were usually casual about it when we talked of it. We both felt that it was something we wanted and that it would happen eventually, so there was no rushing or worrying about it. But i think in the last year or so i started to get a little frustrated. Maybe because i was projecting my own thoughts onto him, who knows. But i remember us having constant talks about it. I remember feeling resentful, if even just a little, about the fact that we didn't really seem to be heading anywhere. The funny thing is, i'd always been comfortable with where we were at. I didn't want to rush but i suppose the fact that he didn't seem to be rushing either, unnerved me. "..well, why doesn't he? I mean, it's not like we're not married in every other way anyway." And then the whole baby scare just made me realize that if i HAD been pregnant, i would have left him. He didn't offer it to me before, right? why would he be offering it now? Things just pretty much fell apart from there.

Now here i am with J. Same thing, isn't it? I think guys are smart enough to realize that all you need to do is toss out the word MARRIAGE every once in a while, and the woman will use that as a shred of hope to cling to, and she'll stay. So what's the lesson here, gentlemen? Just throw the word out every now and again, and you'll get to have everything your way for as long as you want. The sad thing is, i fell for it this time, if only for just a minute.. and it just makes me angrier at myself than i already am.

I should have just shut the fuq up. I shouldn't have told him how i felt or what i wanted. Funny how when faced with the truth of what it could really mean, he decides that it's not a great idea after all, eh? whatever. I'm so sick of power-plays from people. The more people i get to know, the more friends i make, i just feel like retreating. He called me this morning and while i miss him and love him and WANT to be with him.. i'm hurt. I told him i didn't want to talk. I don't know how to deal with this, or WHAT to think. I just know that a part of me needs a break from everyone. He emailed me this morning after i got into work.. and i haven't replied. Well, i wrote an email back letting him know i feel like i need a couple of days to myself.. that maybe we need some space. But i was just worried about stressing him out or upsetting him, i just saved the message. I didn't send it. Basically, i have to go through the day like this, wait until about 11pm tonight to talk to him, only to let him know that i want to be left alone for a while.

The more hurt i realize i am, the more angry i get. This morning, on my way to work, i got into the car and the first song playing on the radio was, what else, 'collide'. f'n universe.

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