one of these is not like the other
Sun. 01.23.05 - 2:53 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

i woke up this morning sicker than i was yesterday and feeling a little down. I decided to try to pull myself out of it. I asked buddha if he wanted to hang out tonight and after he said yes, i went for a run. I figured the fresh air and time alone would help me clear my head and put me in a better mood. I didn't like the idea of bringing my cell phone along because i really just wanted to be left alone but the trail i like to use runs through a forested area and it just makes me feel better knowing i have a way to get in touch with people should i need it.

About halfway up the hill on my way to the park, my phone rang. Adam.

See, last night.. i was in a sort of crappy mood. It just so happened that Adam called at the exact minute that i was in the middle of a um, shall we call it a 'tear session". He asked me what was wrong and at first i didn't want to talk about it. I felt silly telling him that it was just one of those moods. But after some prying and talking, he had me laughing in just a few minutes. Then he said that he had to put me on hold for a minute as he was in the car on his way to work and there was a police checkpoint set up. Then the line went dead. I assumed he had to hang up and that he'd call me back later that night after work. Of course he didn't. So when he called this afternoon i gave him a little bit of hell about it. He tried to explain to me why he hadn't called back. His story was that he ended up getting pulled over, they searched him and because he had been drinking all afternoon they had him do several tests (he ended up passing them all). Because of all that, he was late for work. Then after work he had to rush home because he had a girl waiting there for him.

First strike. If you will remember.. one of his excuses for not helping me out new years weekend was that he couldn't bring me back to his room as he had recently gotten in trouble for having girls in his room.

I stayed quiet and he continued his story. Around 4 in the morning, while the other girl was still in his room, he got a phone call from a girl he had dated a while back. Apparently she was having problems with her husband and she asked Adam to help her out.

"so i had to get up at 4 in the morning, pick her up and take her to a friend's house."

at this point i just wanted to hang up on him. he wouldn't do that for me, but he'd do it for some girl he screwed and was no longer even seeing. He knew i was upset but it took him a little while to piece together what i was thinking. I said nothing.. he just started to try to explain him self.

"case you know the time i didn't pick you up it was that i couldnt.. i had been drinking.. but you know i would have. i called you back later, ready to come get you but john had already found you."

I didn't want to attack him but i just couldn't hold it in anymore. I told him how i was so sick of excuses and people hurting me. That if he really had wanted to help me, he would have but he didn't and it hurt me because we used to be so close so i KNOW the way that he is, the capacity he has to care. He kept apologizing. Then he said something that i'm starting to think may very well be the truth.

"case.. it's not that i don't care. i care a lot. a lot of people care about you. you can't think that we don't care. it's not that. and it's not that we don't want to. it's that we can't. people just don't care the way you do. do you know that? people don't case. you're way different. you're super sweet and nice and people just aren't like that.. you know?"

"ok.. i guess.. i just don't see why it's so hard. if i can do it why can't everyone else? it's so simple."

"case.. maybe you'll find someone who cares the way you can.. but like i said, if you do.. hehe.. he'll probably be a wuss."

"very funny."

"well you've seen Bedazzled, right?"

"oh shut up."

"case.. i know i'm a bad friend sometimes but i try. i do. you're like a sister to me. hell, i call you more than i call my real sister."

at that point i'd reached the entrance to the park and had been standing around for about 10 minutes. I had tears running down my cheeks and all i wanted to do was run. Literally. Figuratively. I told him i needed to get back to my run and wished him a good rest of his day.

"case, i know i'm not always the best friend you deserve..and i'm sorry.. but you know i love you."

"yeah, i love you too."

we hung up, i entered the park and ran for as long as i could. I thought a lot while running. I noticed how it didn't take long for the tears on my cheeks to dry. I remembered how much i love being up there on the trail alone with my thoughts. I always come back feeling fresh and happy.

At one point i heard the clanging of two of my bracelets hitting against eachother while i ran. I sort of looked down and smiled. Adam gave them to me when he came to visit me in SF after he first got back from Iraq. That's where he had gotten them. Ever since then, i've always worn them. Most of the time i forget they're even there.. it's just every now and then when they hit against eachother and make a sound, i think back on the time he gave them to me. the way our friendship was. The majority of that closeness is gone now but i still wear the bracelets. why? i'm not really sure. I guess like with everything else, i don't like to let go completely. But who ever wants to let go of happy memories? In truth, i no longer have the same feelings for him that i did before. I honestly think of him as more of a brother than anything else. There are no feelings there other than friendship.

As i was leaving the park, my phone rang again. This time it was Jay. I think i was a little standoffish with him and as much as it pains me to be that way with people.. i think i need to be this way from now on. I give way too much. I appear weak often. That's certainly not the impression i want to make. I also don't want to be so accessible to people, either. My first instinct is to be there at the drop of a hat for anyone.. but i'm learning you just end up being taken for granted that way.

I sat at home last night thinking about how i've changed so much when it comes to my belief in the goodness of people. For the most part.. yes, i still am very forgiving and naive. But i also catch myself not being so trusting. I second-guess people often these days. I analyze everything they say and don't trust them to be honest with me. It makes me sad to think that i've developed this thought process.. but maybe it's what i need to protect myself.

Lord knows no one else is willing to take anyone else's feelings into consideration or think about the fact that their actions may affect someone and just how much.

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