I'm not going to Boston after all..
Thurs. 08.19.04 - 3:15 p.m.

Feeling: a little sad.. but trying not to think about it
Listening: roommate's alarm
Quote:

..not yet, at least. I'm too drained to write, so here's the rundown through an IM chat with Will earlier today.


Will: What's going on with the Boston guy?
Hamak0san: haven't talked to him today
Hamak0san: or yesterday
Hamak0san: talked to him... tuesday night
Hamak0san: things were alright
Hamak0san: well, they seemed good but i still felt a little distant with im
Hamak0san: him
Hamak0san: i think he's just trying to pull away..
Hamak0san: cuz he knows he wont bethere to pick me up at the airport
Hamak0san: so he's either trying to get me to break things off
Hamak0san: or end things himself, instead of having to deal with me ending things
Hamak0san: or ending it now instead of completley flaking on me at the airport.. that way he'll feel like he can still come back because it won't be as bad as not showing up at the airport at all vs just disappearing a week before i fly out
Will: You know what? You need to return the ticket if you can, and just throw him the hell out of your life.
Hamak0san: i can't return it
Hamak0san: but.. that's ok.. i needed to go to boston anyway.. just.. not this soon. i dunno.. i'm going to try to see if they'll let me maybe change the dates
Hamak0san: i thought about just going, but it's better if i don't right now. i don't have the money to deal with an emergency like this
Hamak0san: hell, i'll have to wait until i get paid next wednesday to call the airline to change the date of the ticket
Will: *sigh.....
Hamak0san: i know, my own fault
Will: Well... so whether or not he flakes on you, you're still going?
Hamak0san: i think at this point, i'm going to change the date of the ticket. but i have to wait until wednesday when i get paid.. cuz they're going to charge me a fee for changing it
Hamak0san: i dont know when i'll reschedule it for.. maybe end of september or early october
Hamak0san: but if they won't let me change it.. or the fee is too high (like $200+)
Hamak0san: then.. i dunno, i guess i'll go
Hamak0san: have no choice in the matter, really
Will: I don't know... you could stay and lose the money you spent on the ticket, or you could go. But is going there gonna compensate for everything - the money, the feelings, etc?
Hamak0san: the thing is.. boston isn't just about him
Hamak0san: and that's the really great thing
Hamak0san: i want to move there
Will: I know that...
Hamak0san: so i was going to go anyway, to visit
Will: But do you think you're ready to go there... just like this? Initially you planned what? That he'd pick you up and you'd definitely have a place to stay.
Hamak0san: and maybe this will be good actually.. because i get a desperately needed vacation and BREAK from everything that's happened in the last year. and i get to just BREATHE and relax and study and explore.. and when i get back.. everything will be fresh.. waiting for me.. to start over. fix things..
Hamak0san: and i think it's good..t hat my first time there.. won't be with him
Hamak0san: because then there won't be such a tie anymore.. him and boston
Hamak0san: you know?
Hamak0san: it'll just be mine
Hamak0san: my trip
Hamak0san: just me
Will: Yah.... I understand.
Hamak0san: i don't know if i'm ready
Hamak0san: emotionally... definitely not
Hamak0san: i still love him.. and that hurts.. a lot
Hamak0san: will, i don't know if i'm ever going to be able to get over it completely
Hamak0san: i hate it that i'll always wonder
Hamak0san: why he did this
Hamak0san: why he won't make things right
Hamak0san: why he won't try
Hamak0san: i'm starting to realize.. he wants it that way
Hamak0san: the mystery
Hamak0san: and there's nothing i can do about it
Hamak0san: there's no way to "solve" it
Hamak0san: it is what it is
Hamak0san: and.. i've never been able to accept that
Hamak0san: i'm slowly but surely getting the fact that.. there are some things we just can't understand..
Hamak0san: or fix.
Hamak0san: it hurts. so bad.. but oh well.
Will: I really can't say anything in this case. Best advise I can give is... throw him out of your life. You don't need another drama queen hanging on your neck, now do you? It doesn't look like he'll ever try to make it work. Like you said, he wants it this way.
Hamak0san: i know.. =(
Hamak0san: that's always been the hard part..
Hamak0san: completely letting go
Hamak0san: like i said.. there will ALWAYS be a small part of me that will think back on him.. wonder where he is, what he's doing, if he regrets anything..
Hamak0san: my biggest challenge too.. is that .. i've never gotten this close to anyone before
Will: Oh, believe me, I understand that!
Hamak0san: to have to let it go.. to be that close to someone.. who knows you so well. to love that person SO so much for who they are.. it's like a part of you being lost, you know?
Hamak0san: i keep trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter.. that he doesn't deserve the tears.. that he doesn't love me anyway, because if he did he wouldn't hurt me and he wouldnt be able to stay away
Hamak0san: and i see how i'm being a fool.. i do
Hamak0san: it's this stupid heart
Hamak0san: want it?
Hamak0san: you can have it
Hamak0san: (pi o'clock)
Will: I have one of my own... unfortunately.
Will: heh... yes it is.
Hamak0san: i dont know how to make this better Will
Will: Somethings we simply have no control over, Casey.
Will: I mean... I've been in your shoes, I understand how you feel.
Will: Years later, I am still not completely over it.
Will: I don't believe you or I will ever get over it.
Will: But heck... gotta carry on. Just... know that there are others who do care about you, and you have no right to betray them. Can't give up. There is so much to strive for, and you know it better than anyone I know.

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