my truth
Sun. 11.18.07 - 1:21 a.m.

Feeling: lost
Listening: computer humming
Quote:

the truth that i can barely bring myself to admit these days. because i feel guilty. because i feel guilty for feeling guilty. because i don't know how or when things became this way for me, and i don't know how to make these feelings stop. i know that i've always been a girl cursed gifted with an excess of emotion that she still has yet to learn how to control. i am 100% driven by my emotions. this can be a very risky and dangerous thing at times. it can be heartbreaking to watch- at least for me, often pretending to be an outsider looking in on it all.

i'm married.
i don't want to be.
i love him.
i don't know if i'm in love right now.
i know that i was once.
the irony of it all, is that he truly is "my ethan."

it's a term i've come up with to describe one's "perfect" person. as perfect as a human can be, that is. i admit to being an emotionally driven being. though as much as that is true, and as hurtful as the truth may sometimes be, i have never allowed myself to lie to my inner self. to the world? oh i can slap on a smile quicker than you can say, "cheese". i will pretend to be ok to the world, i will even say i'm ok and act ok but deep down, i know what the real truth is even when i fight to deny it with my words and actions.

everything is messed up.
i don't know how it got that way.
i think i sabotaged it all.
i think i'm still sabotaging it all.
i don't know if i want to fix any of it.
i think i do.
i'm tired of having to try.
i'm sick of feeling like i'm the only one who ever puts forth the effort.
i'm angry that people don't seem to care more.
i hate it that i try so hard to be friends with people that don't seem to place as much value on friendship as i do.
i'm annoyed that i play dumb a lot because i want to "fit in".
in fact, i hate it.
i want a lot of things to change. especially me.
i don't know where to start.
i don't know if i have the energy.

i'm emotionally exhausted- work. relationships. life. i have learned one thing about myself over the years- when i am overwhelmed, i shut down. the million dollar question is, how does one find that spark again? that match to ignite the fire within? what if there's nothing there to build a fire with?

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