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Mute Feeling: unsure about heading home in 4 hours It's 4am as I sit here in the bed of my hotel room in Seattle. I can't sleep. I usually get like this when someone has said something that didn't make me feel very good and for some crazy reason I held it in. It was nothing big, but in my head i've made it big and so the resentment has grown inside of me like a big bubble waiting to burst. That probably wouldn't be a pretty sight, me exploding, with the sinus infection and all. It would help to put an end to my inner torment, though. For a long time now, i've felt invisible. It's as if no one really cares what I think or how I feel. And the one person that seems to give a damn, the one person that often stops dead in his tracks when I speak, I tend to believe that the only reason he's listening is because he has nothing better to do or he's completely consumed by pity for me. Sometimes. Usually, I feel like he's not listening either. Perhaps this is why I seek out my past. Im searching for a time when I felt heard and understood- a time where someone appeared to care whether or not i live or die. I'm not suicidal. I'm not. I'm just drowning in my inner misery. It's quite ironic, considering i'm a pretty upbeat, cheery, sweet person to the world. At this moment, there may not be a living soul who has even a clue of my torture within. I'm struggling with the urge to shut down; to close myself off to every one and every thing. In some ways, I already have. I was at dinner tonight with an old friend who has now become a colleague. I was really looking forward to our time together as I wanted to pick her brain on the industry we work in, as well as catch up and perhaps gossip a bit. A co-worker of mine ended up tagging along. Now, normally I wouldn't mind hanging out with Girl #2 because she is fun and exciting (and most importantly, she's from Boston) but I couldn't deny my desire to want distance from her tonight. You see, she's one of those people- the ones who know how to really put on a SHOW for the world. They're energetic and cool and everyone loves them. But i like to think i've grown enough over time to come to know BS when I smell it. This girl reeks of it. She knows what to say, when to say it. It comes from years of practice on her part. The thing that gets me every time though, is how people can get so unbelieveably suckered in by it. Perhaps I need to look no further than in my country's choice of President (twice!) for my answer. But I digress. We're at dinner and as if on cue, Girl #2 completely takes over the conversation in an effort to convey that she is a highly intelligent, well-traveled, overly confident woman. Fucking gag me. And so I sit there. With a smile plastered to my face, nodding on cue at the few looks so graciously tossed my way, munching on chips and salsa, secretly hating my invisibility and wondering why the world doesn't seem to want to hear my voice. Honestly, I try to speak. I have an opinion. I think i'm pretty intelligent, if i do say so, though I will admit to not always being able to vocalize my thoughts and present them in a neat little package, complete with shiny red bow. It always cracks me up and infuriates me when I'm asked my opinion on something and someone, shocked as hell, says, "WOW! That's so true! That's a really good point!" Funny, isn't it, when you take the time to listen, what you'll actually hear? But again, I digress. Eventually, Girl #2 has had enough talking about herself and how she feels she's queen of the universe (wouldn't you LOVE that job?) so she gets up to go do something (I don't know- polish her tiara?). I'm left with Girl #1, my friend. She looks at me and says, "So how are things? How's the traveling? Are you enjoying yourself? How is it with the other girls? (I work with about 25 other women, so it's understood that emotions can run high). I respond in my usual boring work-like tone, thinking that no one really cares of my opinion so there's no point in coloring outside the lines. "It's good. You know how it is. Sometimes there are strong personalities and you clash, but it's ok." I must not be as good at this as I thought I was, because she looks over her shoulder at where Girl #2 is standing and then looks right back at me and says, "Yeah, I can see that. She does have a strong vibe." To this I say, "It's just me to not respond well to that. I tend to feel suffocated and overshadowed and so I let their personality take over and sit back quietly." "You shut down. That's too bad that people don't listen, because they're missing out on a great thing. You have a lot to offer and your ideas are brilliant." I just sort of sat there for a second, amazed that not only did someone hear me for once in what seems like forever, but that they heard me without my having to really say much. God, that felt amazing. Then, right on cue, Girl #2 reentered and took her place again as Conversation Headmaster. I sat there once again, munching on chips and carrying on my own conversation in my head, secretly thankful for that minute of being heard. I'm still grateful, but I have to wonder if I am pathetic for being so thankful for having been tossed breadcrumbs when I know that I am worthy of a loaf.
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