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Yin and Yang Feeling: indifferent So... i have to admit i'm a little embarassed by last night's entry. I was feeling sick, and tired as a result of that. When i'm sick i turn into the most miserable crankiest person ever. It's not something i'm proud of.. hopefully some day i'll grow up. Until then, i will have to settle for feeling like an arse for acting like an arse. I still feel lonely, but i don't even care anymore. people? you can't depend on people. you also can't expect family and friends to be there for you right when you need them.. even if it's just for some comfort or kind words. i'm through with feeling hurt. i'm through with caring whether or not other people care. i'm going to try my damnest to simply not care anymore. i really think it's just better that way for me. and maybe for everyone else too, because then they won't have to hear me act like a child starving of attention when i feel the way i did last night. ok i typed a LOT more than i wanted to on the subject. so i digress.. I've started thinking about Hawaii again. About moving back. it stresses me out to even think about it, but yeah. I haven't told anyone this.. because it's not definite yet. i'm still trying to figure out what i want and how i'm going to make it all work. So what did i do today. hmm.. well, I needed to run some errands downtown today so i was there for a few hours. Odd thing happened while i was there. I was crossing an intersection and this man was walking a few steps in front of me. all of a sudden, as he passed another pedestrian who was carrying a bag, he shoved the man's bag as if it had been in his way. Of course the man got REALLY upset and started swearing, but the 'disturbed' man just kept right on walking, yelling back at the other man to just watch where he was going. now, as unfortunate as the interaction was, it's not uncommon in the city i'm sure. it's what came next that threw me off. literally. I keep walking, the man still a bit in front of me. I didn't really see what happened next. All i know is this guy came slamming into me. i lost my balance a little but luckily i didn't fall. lol my chest (which took most of the force of the guy being slammed into me) and my foot (i was wearing slippers and he stepped on my foot when he lost his balance too) hurt a lot initially but i'm totally fine now. I was mostly just in shock, i think.. i didn't even see that coming. That jerk guy was apparently just shoving people as he passed them on the street. The poor guy that got thrown into me had no clue what or why the man shoved him and he just looked so shocked that i couldn't even get angry at the disturbed man because i was too busy feeling sorry for the guy that got shoved. He apologized profusely but i told him not to worry about it, it wasn't his fault. I have a question. How do you get people to stop talking to you.. other than ignoring them or walking away. I mean, in a nice way.. because i can't bring myself to just ignore a person that's talking directly to me. Example. I went to grab a sandwich while downtown, and while standing in line, the guy in front of me starts talking to me. I mean, he was nice enough but he kept talking and asking me things like where was i from (i told him San Jose) so he asked about the Sharks (hockey team there) and i told him i don't follow it much.. but that didn't deter him! oh no! he kept talking! he gets called to order his food, but he stands there with me for a little.. a window opens up for me.. so i go up to place my order. the whole time, the guy keeps looking over at me. okay. really. i appreciate you being nice. REALLY. cuz lord knows i could use friends. but 1. i'm not interested in dating at the moment. 2. i want to be left alone. maybe i'm just in a mood. maybe i should think about what the hell i want before i act all whiny like i did last night and then the next day decide i want NO ONE to talk to me. the whole thing just makes me realize how i need to take advantage of this time alone.. and not get involved with anythign that could set me back. that reminds me. for whatever reason, i had a thought yesteday.. kind of continued it today in an effort to make sense of it. In a way, i kind of regret everything with Ethe. I hate saying that. I hate regretting things.. because you learn from them, you know? but i think maybe what i mean is.. i regret the way i treated the whole situation. I'm embarassed by how i acted. what i put up with. they way i allowed myself to be treated. i'm really thankful for that first month that i knew him. after that? it all went to hell and i should have had enough esteem for myself to have walked away gracefully. but hey, what can you do but learn from it, right? I spent quite a bit of time downtown. So much so that my day pass expired. Meaning i'd have to buy another one to get back home. no biggie, just a minor annoyance. I was waiting at the bus stop when another bus pulled up to the stop, to let people off/on. A guy that had just gotten off the bus walked over to me, stuck out his hand with a day pass in it and told me to take it. I looked at him, taken a little by surprise.. told him no thank you. But he insisted; told me that he didnt need it anymore and it was still good until late afternoon. I took it and told him thank you. I thought that was so sweet. and how lucky of me, eh?!
See.. it all balances out.
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