MYOB
Sat. 04.17.04 - 10:37 p.m.

Feeling: tired and irritated
Listening: I Don't Wanna Know - Mario Winans & P. Diddy
Quote: "When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate an

I don't know if it's because i'm bored, hungry or tired but I was really irritable with Y today. He IMs me just about every day, often many times throughout the day as our conversations usually only last about 10 minutes.

Earlier today he messaged me to say �have you thought about going back to Hawaii if you can�t find a job?� I simply replied with �I�ll find something.�

The thing is, even though I�ve thought about it, I don�t want him to know I�ve entertained the thought of going back. The fewer people that know I�m doubting myself, the better. I definitely don�t need HIM to know that I�ve thought about it. Am I scared to death? Hell yes. But you know what? I didn�t come all this way for nothing. I didn�t go through all of those arguments, those tears, those weeks spent looking for a place to live.. to end up back in Hawaii.

It kind of hurts to know that just a handful of my friends realize how important it is to me to be here. I was talking to Thai the other day and I could tell she still thinks I�m nuts. I can�t blame her for worrying but I also don�t want to hear other people voice their concerns over my situation. HOW ABOUT SHOWING SOME SUPPORT? I�m worried enough as it is. Ever thought that maybe THAT�S a big factor in why I haven�t been able to sleep well lately? Yes, I�m scared shitless. THANK YOU for pointing out to me the position I�m in. But give me some credit ok?

First of all, I think I�m smart enough to realize WHERE I�M AT AND HOW I MANAGED TO GET MYSELF HERE. I don�t need people pointing out my screw-ups. That was one of my biggest issues with my ex. I had to hear ALL THE FUCKING TIME about how I didn�t do things right. How I wasn�t good enough. How I could have done things better. Maybe he was right at the time, but I still didn�t want to hear it. My philosophy is, if you want something done YOUR way, then DO IT YOUR DAMN SELF. If it�s something that involves me, THAT�S MY BUSINESS. Furthermore, it�s not like I put NO effort forth. I TRY. In the cases where someone might think I�m not trying enough.. again I say, I don�t want to hear it. Call me stubborn. I�ll admit to that. Big time. But I just don�t see what there is to gain from hearing things like this. There is only one exception to this rule and that is if you really feel that I�m doing something wrong and you�re itchin� to give input. In such a case, HOW ABOUT YOU OFFER TO HELP?! Ask me if there�s anything you can do. Don�t sit on your arse and TELL ME what I�m doing wrong. YOU ARE NOT MY JUDGE AND JURY. I DIDN�T ASK FOR ADVICE. So how about you just STFU, mkay?

I�m scared enough for myself, I don�t need anyone else worried on my behalf. If I need advice, I�ll ASK for it.

Secondly, have some faith in me. Know that I�m willing and able to accomplish anything. You voicing your doubts only serves to inform me that you have no confidence in my abilities. Well thanks for your damn support. If that's the way you are, i don't need people like you in my life. Mind your own and stay the hell out of mine.

Blahhhh.

Do I sound like I�m in a bad mood, or what? I�m actually not. I really think this will all work out. It has to.

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