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who needs people, anyway Feeling: trying really hard to not think about how i'm feeling It seems like i'm always complaining about the same thing- my desire for people to care when i need them. It seems like i'm always left feeling lonely/empty when they don't care enough. "You fight loneliness, you don't cave into it." That phrase keeps running through my head. It's something a friend of mine told me not too long ago. I dont know why i care. why i care about people. why i let myself get hurt like this over and over again. why i complain about the same thing over and over again. I don't know how to change it either. I want to not give a damn when someone lets me down. I want to not be let down- simply because i won't care enough to be let down. I want to be more self-reliant. self-sustaining. something. anything. I've said this before, but i'll say it again... i find it funny how the thing that i want the most, i push away. All day i felt like i needed to be close to someone. Just have them hold me and talk to me about silly things. insignificant things. or maybe even not talk at all. Just lay there like that.. so i'd feel like he was with me. I'd feel safe and cared about. loved. Obviously i can't have that. But when anyone else tries to spend time with me, i ignore them. For the last few hours my phone has rung about four times. i've ignored every single call. Their voicemails are all the same "hey girl where are you? we're gonna hang out tonight, wanted to see if you wanted to meet us there. gimme a call back." I don't. Even though i want company right now. Guess i've just gotten selective about whose company these days. I don't know if it's the PMS that has my head messed up or not. But i do know that i don't like being an unhappy person and that's enough to make me go find something else to do to keep my mind off how i'm just not feeling TODAY.
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