letting go
Sun. 05.16.04 - 11:09 a.m.

Feeling: i need air
Listening: the reason - hoobastank
Quote:

hamak0san: i guess my problem is i want company. not a boyfriend
hamak0san: and that's ok.. it'sjust that it's against my nature.. and i feel guilty for it
buddha: remember our convo way back when. sex n love connection. i told u its human nature (built into u) to f. its only ur what ur own sense of morality that ties love into it
buddha: so i am not surprised. it was gonna happen to u one day anyways
buddha: so dont feel guillty about it
hamak0san: yeah i guess you're right
hamak0san: i'd rather it be this way too.. cuz i really dont want to give a damn about another person. i have enough people to worry about
buddha: thats cool. its a lot less work and less to worry bout
hamak0san: yeah so i'm realizing
buddha: just to hold u over till u r ready for something serious again
hamak0san: so do you think im a ..?
buddha: truthfully?
buddha: it might hurt
hamak0san: you dont have to say it.. cuz by you asking me that i know the answer
buddha: hehe no
buddha: i dont think u r one
hamak0san: buuuut?
buddha: i just think u r emotionally still not at ur age level. cuz i think uve built this wall around u of wat u THINK u should do or be like. u make more of things than r actually there, be it sex, or love, or whatever
buddha: and now being on ur own is tearing that down a bit
buddha: and all the stuff u have secretly wanted to do but stopped urself from doing... its coming out
buddha: which is fine. i just think u r behind
buddha: and i can fully understand how u can get caught up in something like last night, where uve been feeling alone or lost and someone shows u a lot of attention
buddha: just ur body's way of healing itself in a way, i guess
hamak0san: yeah i think youre really right
hamak0san: about all of that
buddha: i have never been wrong yet
buddha: heheh
hamak0san: what do you mean tho by �u make more of things than r actually there, be it sex, or love, or whatever�
buddha: u have these ideas of what love should be like. or wat sex should and shouldnt be. i think u make urself believe that is the way it has to be, anything different is below u
buddha: kinda like seeing this as the good way and the rest is bad
buddha: its just wat i took from our convo before about love, relationships and sex
hamak0san: hmm that's a little shallow
hamak0san: but i guess maybe in a way i do think that. but i'd like to say i dont judge other people if they do it and i dont. i just judge myself
buddha: i didnt say u judge others. u just hold those standards (as unreal as they might be) as the way it has to be with u. its a fairy tale that u dont want to end
hamak0san: well i liken the "fairy tale" to "not settling"
buddha: there is compromise in all ways of life
buddha: and dont think of it as settling or not
hamak0san: i think in my old life.. in san jose.. i settled. and this is SO not even about danyo. . it's about my whole life there in general
buddha: if u hold urself to "not settling" whats to keep u from thinking that there cant be something/somebody better out there
buddha: u will never find the pinnacle of wat u r looking for
buddha: its just all down to whether u r happy now with the way things r, n if u think u will be happy tomorrow
hamak0san: but maybe you're wrong.. the point of not settling is to get what i want. reasonable expectations though. i'm not asking for prince charming on a horse. but i do want a guy that's super intelligent, funny, sweet and who adores me.
buddha: theres millions of ppl out there who fit that desc. so lists arent anything
buddha: its how u get along
buddha: if ure happy, then ure happy
buddha: thats the end of it. all u need to know
buddha: if one day u happen around some guy who doesnt fit those qualities u listed. but something about him just completes u.. is that settling?
buddha: would u brush off maybe the love of ur life just cuz he wasnt as funny as ud like
hamak0san: that desc sounds like it'd fit a lot of people.. but i have an idea in my head of more than that... and i dont think i should settle for less than that
buddha: i think u judge more by what ur mind tells u than wat ur heart does
hamak0san: thats gooooood!! that's what i've been TRYING to accomplish. head is better than heart. you dont get into trouble that way
buddha: but i thnk that makes it harder to find true love and happiness
hamak0san: yeah so when u dooo find it, you appreciate it more
buddha: thats dumb imo
hamak0san: lmao
buddha: ure telling me that if u meet some guy. and theres something about him that draws u in. n u can totally fall in love with him and all. but maybe he doesnt fit that image in ur mind. so u let it go?
hamak0san: no not at all
hamak0san: but i'd be scared.. because of everything i've done/been through... i'd be scared that i was settling.. but i think i'd decide that i had a new image in my mind and that person fit it
buddha: hahah
buddha: u make no sense to me
buddha: u hold to ur values/standards so closely, yet u can change them so easily to fit wat u need at the moment
hamak0san: yah.. i hate that about myself
buddha: word of advice from someone older and seen a quite bit more shit than u. let go casey. dont be afraid to get hurt. dont get all wrapped up it standards and ideals that u let good things pass u by
buddha: sure theres bad things too. but i think its better to have a life of ups and downs and just plain mediocre
hamak0san: yeah but i feel more than most. and it hurts more.. why allow drama into my life
hamak0san: so it's not even like my life is mediocre. it's always up and down
buddha: but its muted
buddha: the highs r not as high n the lows arent as low
hamak0san: i need to be safe for now... i've been through a lot lately. i need to figure out other things first before i just let myself go to inevitably be hurt
buddha: i can understand u being liek that now. but i think uve always been like this
buddha: ure too pessimistic. so am i. but i let things go. potential for real happiness supercedes any chance i risk of getting hurt
buddha: theres enough things in life that will hold u back from being happy. dont let urself be one of them
hamak0san: i'm pessimistic to protect myself
hamak0san: my hopes don't get up, i don't get let down
buddha: u can be pessimistic and still be willing to let go tho. u allow ur fears to control ur emotions
buddha: and its not even a real thing u fear. right now u fear the "possibility"
buddha: i think its a waste of time and energy to worry bout something that does not even exists yet. or may not even exist in the next person that comes along
hamak0san: yeah i guess i do allow my fears to do that
buddha: when/if it does come around, u deal with it then. but dont waste ur heart worrying bout it now
hamak0san: but then it'll hurt
buddha: yes but u cant protect urself from everything. no matter how hard u try
buddha: even the picture perfect bf one day who u love more than anything. still can hurt u
hamak0san: yeah that i know
hamak0san: but as for not being able to protect myself from things ... if i CAN protect myself from something.. why dont i?
hamak0san: why wouldnt i?
hamak0san: why shouldn't i?
buddha: but the thing is. right now u r not protecting urself from anything
buddha: its ghosts
buddha: the potential or the possibility
hamak0san: yeah
hamak0san: i guess youre right
buddha: i guess it comes down to this. would u rahter be happy n exposed, or unhappy and safe
buddha: if only those 2 choices
hamak0san: happy and exposed. i think i've shown that... by moving here
buddha: then let go
hamak0san: let go
buddha: dont judge and compare
buddha: just take things for wat they are

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