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jaded Feeling: unsure I really wonder about myself sometimes. I've been trying to go through the files on my hard drive, clean things out, get ready to back everything up. As soon as I�m done, I think I�m going to wipe out everything and reinstall XP. So I was going through my old emails in Outlook.. and came across the folder with emails i received from Y. The go as far back as 1998- when I was still in Hawaii. Imagine that! Anyway, I decided to browse through it to see if there was anything I wanted to keep. Or at least that's what I told myself was the reason. I'm such a dumbarse. I can�t bring myself to delete these old emails. Silly seeing as how I haven�t an ounce of romantic interest in him anymore. Yet I can�t bring myself to let go of these memories. While I switched rooms the other day, I took a moment to browse through an album that contained pictures of Y and I. It�s just the oddest thing ever. To have these pictures as proof of a life I once led. But maybe i'll touch on that another time. Preferably not. The reason for this entry is because I came across an email from early on in our relationship that he sent me one day after we had a fight. In it, he comments on how I was behaving childishly because I was scared but that it was no excuse and he wondered that if that was an indication as to where our relationship was headed, he wanted no part of it. Understandably. I see now how immature i was back then (probably still am, though I hope not). Hell, I WAS 19! Nineteen and living hundreds of miles away from anything I had ever known. I didn't know anyone but him. I went from being a 19 year-old sophomore in college and sharing an apartment with two girls to living with this MAN, learning to balance a full-time job and wife-dom all the while trying to cope with the loss of my grandmother, distance from family & friends, and the fact that I had simply walked away from my college career - something that i had dreamed about ever since i was a kid. It scares me how immature and incapable i was of handling a relationship like the one Y and I shared. It scares me because I don't want to be that scared little girl again. Sometimes I feel like i still am. Especially now that I�m single. Thinking about dating again frightens me. I finished watching Kissing Jessica Stein today. In one scene, she's faced with a breakup. I couldn't help but immediately think back on my breakup with Y. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I think i grew up a LOT over the course of that relationship. It would have been abnormal if i hadn't. I realize now our biggest problem was that I was too young, naive and inexperienced to really know who I was and what I wanted. Over the years, as I got older, I learned, I grew; essentially that growing process meant becoming someone who was just not compatible with him. I see that now. But man did I fight facing that realization. Even though I didn't love him anymore, it was really hard to break up with him. After four years you can�t help but become attached to a person. I was comfortable. I was also VERY scared. While watching the movie, I started thinking about how I simply don't want to deal with relationships and the unavoidable occasional drama that comes with them. I don't even want the RISK of getting hurt. It's not worth it to me. I'm the kind of person that when I get hurt, i get hurt deep. There are very FEW people out there who, in my mind, are worth getting close to. The thing is, those people already ARE close to me. hmm.. did I just imply I don't want to meet new people? blahh that's not what i mean. I'm rambling. I�m guess I�m still healing. I didn�t realize that until now. I thought the fact that I didn�t love him anymore meant that it was all over. Apparently there are still a few wounds left. I just don't want to get hurt. I can't deal with that right now. Maybe over time I'll change my mind and find someone I�m willing to put my heart at "risk" for. But i won't ever stop being scared of getting hurt again. I know if I�ve learned anything from everything I've been through.. is that I need to hold back a little more. Not become so involved. I'm not just talking about independence. I'm talking about holding back a little; until i feel safe enough to... [[breathe]]. I'm not complaining, I�m not depressed, I�m not even venting. I'm just... marinating (seriously- watch Kissing Jessica Stein). I guess my biggest fear is caring that much for someone again only to have to pull away from them, again. I�m not built for that. I certainly don�t want to settle in a less-than-what-I-want relationship again either. So maybe my only option is to shield my heart. To close it off a little. And IF I start to really like someone? Keep much of that information to myself.. until I feel �safe� enough to trust my feelings with them. If that feeling of safety ever comes, that is. Right now, i'm not sure i could trust anyone like that again.
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