All the Happiness in the World
Wed. 05.12.04 - 8:03 p.m.

Feeling: somber
Listening: silence
Quote: Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times. -Aeschylus

Yesterday I felt like I spent most of my day TRAVELING. I needed to get to San Jose to deal with some things for the classes i'm teaching later this month. As it was the first time doing it with public transit, i swear it took me like 3 hours. hehe. Partially because i kinda got off one stop too early. So i had to wait 30 minutes for the next train.

[pauses until the laughter dies down]

About a week ago, Y messaged me and asked me when I was going down to SJ next. I told him that i was planning a trip on Tuesday. He said "I want to see you when you come." Like an idiot, i agreed. I mean, it's the first time he's really said "i want to see you." That's his way of telling me he needs me. or something. I dunno, I'd feel bad turning him down. So we made plans to grab dinner and he suggested a movie. He also said he'd take me back home. I want to stress that's NOT why i agreed to see him. Not because i needed a ride. I am perfectly fine with the bus and train. I enjoy taking either one. I actually thought at one point he'd cancel and not want to hang out and i have to admit i was relieved. But he asked me again yesterday morning, so we made plans to meet up around 6pm.

I didnt get there until 5pm and I had been up all night Monday talking to military boy on the phone so i was tired. Scary thing- he talks more than me. hehe. it's cool though. It's just weird how quiet i am around him. I just listen a lot. Not that i don't normally listen, it's just that i'm so used to my usual mentality of 'i need to keep this conversation going'. But with him, i just.. chillax.

I dunno, maybe i'm not trying? Let's not go there.

So yes, i was tired. And Y was too (he's been going through some things) so we decided not to catch a movie. I was relieved- i just wanted to go home. We chose to grab a quick dinner (burgers) and head home.

While we were eating, my mind started to wander and i guess it found its way to insecurity. I got to thinking about how this whole potential date thing is about to REALLY screw with my self esteem and to be honest, that's probably my biggest worry. Is having to deal with being turned down. Not because I'd be crushed because i WANT someone to like me. No, because who the hell likes being shunned. Especially since i'm going against what i REALLY want to do right now, which is cancel the 'get together' and go crawl back under my rock. I don't want to like anyone else.

I did the stupidest thing. I guess I forgot that Y and I aren't really FRIENDS. For a second I was going against that notion and asked him the STUPIDEST question in the world. "Do you think i'm pretty? That i'm alright? Like, not ugly?"

The thing is, i wasn't even fishing for a compliment. I really HONESTLY wanted someone to objectively say whether or not i'm the average (yet sometimes hideous) creature i think i am. I REALLY thought he could give me this because 1. it was never about looks with us. at least i dont think it was. I mean, yes he'd tell me i was pretty or beautiful but seriously, considering the way we met and all.. 2. we're broken up. he doesn't have to be nice. he can be honest now, ya know?

I believe he used the phrase "eh, you're doable."

hehe Why do i set myself up for these things? Serves me right though. And i probably deserved that. I think in a way, he was serious. He was honest not to say i'm pretty or whatever. And i can't be angry with him for not lying to me so i wasn't even upset.

Funny thing though. He asked me why i wanted to know. "Is there someone you WANT to think you're beautiful?"

Whaat? no. I'm not asking for a fucking miracle. For someone to think i'm hot or whatever. all i wanted to know .. ehh forget it.

Something even funnier? Military boy text messaged me as we were eating. I told him i'd be home later in the evening, that i'd talk to him then. Y started asking who the message was from and i said no one. He said "you're dating someone, huh. don't lie."

"NO i'm not." and i was honest. I didn't agree to go out on Friday with military boy until LAST NIGHT. At that moment i actually wasn't sure i was going. I hadn't made a decision yet. AND IT'S NOT A DATE. even if it were, it's just ONE. Not DATES. Not DATING. ONE. SINGULAR.

I'm not trying to hide anything from Y, but i DO think that 1. it's none of his business. 2. he'd get weird about it.

Look at how he blew up the Ethan situation. AND HE'S STILL MAD ABOUT IT. He brought it up in the car. IT'S OVER, why the hell are we bringing it up?? you know? We were discussing something and he decided to throw Ethan into the mix. CAN WE PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT IT? I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. He was trying to make a point about something and then started talking about Ethe.

WHO CARES. IT'S OVER. USE ANOTHER DAMN EXAMPLE. I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

And if you need further proof that he'd get weird, look at how Y reacts at the SLIGHTEST thought that i MIGHT be seeing someone.

The text message wasn't made into a big deal but he was sarcastic and moody the whole time I was with him in SJ. I realize he was probably just stressed and having a bad day but you know, i don't appreciate being the target of his jokes.

I tried to lighten the mood with a funny story while we were in the car on the way home. After i was done, I laughed a little and then said my usual 'good times, good times.' THEN HE SAID, "except it wasn't good times. it was all fake"

So i'm sitting there like.. 'ummm okaaay...'

Then he pulls this out of his arse:

"Do you think we see eachother too much?"

Now, even though I SERIOUSLY think at some point it would be better for the both of us if we weren't so "chummy" i told him honestly that no, i don't think we SEE each other a lot (really, it's been like 3 or 4 times since i moved here). So then he countered with "well we talk a lot online then." I couldn't argue with that, or tell him the first thing that came to my mind, which was "YOU always message ME."

I don't know if i even said anything. All i remember is what came next. He said, "It makes it harder to move on."

My heart sank.

Me: "I didn't realize there was anything to move on from. I mean, i didn't know there was anything difficult about it."

Him: "Yeah, there is."

soo..... i dont even know what happened after that. I honestly can't remember. All i know is throughout dinner and the car ride, he was weird. He said a lot of weird things.

"My landlord (he rents a room) said that i'm not allowed to have anyone in my room unless it's you."

KEEP IN MIND, i have NEVER ever ever been to his place. I have NEVER met his landlord. I have never even SPOKEN to this woman on the phone.

Me: "Why would she say that?? How does she even know me? I don't get it."

Him: "Nah, just from stuff i told her about you."

Me: "oh." *in my head: WTH?!*

The whole evening was like that. He'd spend a minute on saying things like that and then the next on things like "I wish i could move away to where no one could ever find me." (sound familiar?)

orrr things like "man, i need pu--y"

I'm going to move past that one quickly, but just know that he got an earfull from me on that one.

OH. um and he tried to grab me a few times too. i think he got the hint after a few slaps and he made some statement like "i could have you if i wanted to." That sounds REALLY pigheaded but i know him. While he can be a little.. "eh" i also know enough about him to know that he was just trying to 'front.' I WAS irritated by it and it got me to thinking how he probably still sees me as "his." which.. REALLY pisses me off actually. I belong to no one. I NEVER belonged to anyone. But like I said, i think he just lacks the maturity to deal with his feelings and people in the right way. He also asked me to hold his hand at one point while we were in the car. But i couldn't just be like "no get the hell away from me." i mean, i care about him as a person... if he needs someone to hold his hand i'm not going to push him away. ehh the whole thing is just weird, i know.

Then came... "I think i left my heart with you."

That came out of nowhere too. I had the music up in the car (in an effort to have SOME noise and avoid conversation for the rest of the ride) but he turned it down and came out with that.

I asked him what he meant and he said that he just didnt feel anything for anyone. "I see all these girls and they're so hot and there's so many of them and i just.. don't feel anything. I dont want them. I dont want anyone anymore"

I think his problem is he's so used to being out of touch with his feelings and now that he's forced to deal with this stuff he just doesn't know what to make of it. I tried to reassure him though. I told him i knew what he meant.. that I felt the same way; in that, i have absolutely NO desire to be serious with anyone for a while. The thought of commitment scares the hell out of me. I didn't tell him this part but a lot of it is, i'm afraid i'll lead myself down the same path again. That i'll be "trapped." To be honest, i've met a few people after Y and I broke up that made me see that I CAN feel again. That there ARE people out there i'd be willing to push aside my fears for. But that's long gone. I mean, i have the knowledge but i'm still here, i'm still scared, and I simply DON'T want to open up myself to anyone new. Seeing as how the moment has passed, all i have is everything from here on out.. and i'm completely serious when i say i'm just not going there. Not for a while anyway.

*sigh*

He seemed to feel better after I explained to him that what he was feeling was normal and that I understood. I also told him part of his problem is he's been surrounding himself with these girls that he simply doesn't respect.. and that's definitely not helping him any. I guess I got him really thinking because he agreed with me on that. I let him talk some more while I listened and i couldn't help but think that if he had a girlfriend, we wouldn't be talking so much, if at all.

John was right, Y doesn't see me as a friend. But you know what? That's ok. Maybe I'm making things worse by being around him. And maybe i'm selfish for it, too. As much as the thought of never speaking a word to him again makes me a little sad, I want to be happy. I SHOULD be happy. And I REALLY want him to be happy. =( I really really do. I'm so worried about him. He has a lot on his plate right now and with this stuff.. i dunno, i mean i'm sure it doesnt bother him at all but it bothers me that he would even have these thoughts. happiness. that's all i want for him.

blahh i just don't know what *i* want anymore. I don't know anything, i suppose.

A couple hours after Y dropped me off at home, i was sitting on my bed, on the phone with military boy, when across the room I saw an Instant Message pop up on my computer screen. I got up to look at it and saw the following message:

Y: hey
Y: to answer your question, i just wanted you to know that i do think you're beautiful.
Y: pretty

I hope i'm not horrible. I'm actually tearing up while typing this.

He really is a good guy. I just want him to be happy... he deserves it so much.

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