enough is enough
Tues. 05.04.04 - 9:46 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

I figured out what my problem is.

Me. I'm mad at myself.

I'm mad at myself for putting too much faith in people only to walk away feeling the fool for doing so.

I'm mad that i give myself away to people and don't get nearly as much in return.

That's always been the case.. i care, and i get burned because of it.

I'm mad because i KNOW this, and yet i continue to care. When will I ever learn?

I think it's the worst feeling in the world; to give in to yourself, to ask for help, to actually come right out and say I NEED SOMEONE. I NEED YOU. and have the person not really deliver.

I'm sick of being walked all over.

I'm mad at myself because i'm the one that willingly gets down on the ground, lays there, and gives the signal to START WALKING.

Right now.. right now, i'm not sure what i'm thinking, doing, saying. All i know is i feel so completely alone it's getting to be unbearable.

I'm mad that i have to fucking TELL people.. Hey, did you know that my grandma's birthday is on Friday?

Hey, did you know that my mom still hasn't gone back to the doctor? They still haven't taken care of that blood clot?

Hey, did you know that I cry a lot lately?

Hey, did you know that i'm thinking about going back to Hawaii?

Hey, did you know that I'm really alone and I wish SOMEONE would recognize that and try to .. ugh i don't know.

Why can't people just KNOW. Why do i have to ASK. Why do i have to say "PLEASE BE THERE FOR ME" Why can't everyone just genuinely care about me, know me, and have the thought "Hey, Casey doesn't seem to be herself lately. She hasn't been her perky self. Maybe there's something i could do."

No, no one ever thinks that.

Why can't they know that right now i feel like there are a million other trivial things in my life but the fact that there are a million of them, a million of them at once while there's just one of me.. it's enough to make one big non-trivial thing.

I've seriously considered just walking away from every goddamn thing, and not let anyone know where i've gone. I just don't give a flying fuck about anything or anyone anymore.

Yeah, it's to that point. And maybe my problem is that i'm stressed out, alone, scared and depressed because of it. So I guess my real problem is that i rely on other people for happiness.

How the fuck can i not though, when i GIVE AWAY all of my happiness? I GIVE AWAY all of me- to everyone. No wonder there's nothing left for me.

This mood? Yeah, i wasn't kidding when i said this was bad. I think this is the worst i've felt in probably a year. I'm scared because i don't know how to get rid of it. Ordinarily i'd dive into something else.. push it from my mind. There's nothing that makes me happy right now though.

There's just this.. this annoying gloomy cloud that i WISH would go away but it doesn't. I hate it that i sound ungrateful. I hate it that i'm complaining. I hate it that i feel this way.

I hate it that i feel like there's nothing i can do about it.

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