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Double-bagger Feeling: tired I couldn't sleep last night. Mostly, it's been because i have a lot on my mind right now, but even after i managed to fall asleep.. i either kept waking up or having troubled dreams throughout the entire night. On my way home from work last night, I started thinking about John and New Years and everything else a worry wart like me could possibly come up with to analyze. I think something good came out of all of that analyzation though. I was able to answer my own question from my last entry.. where i've been wondering just how long this feeling of distance with him started. I think i'm full of crap, that's what i think. I think it's all a form of sabotage. I know me.. and i know how easily i can be scared off. Sometimes i take a bad hint even when hints aren't being given. I realized last night that i'm already preparing myself for this to turn out badly. Exactly what do i mean by bad? I don't know.. but i mean, look at how everything turned out with Adam. A girl can't go through something like that and now have it affect her. Especially with everything over Thanksgiving weekend, i realized just how much he (Adam) affects my self esteem.. which isn't a good thing. Anyway, back to John. SO i realized that it's all of my own doing or thinking. I'm scared and i'm already preparing for the worst. Kinda silly and stupid maybe.. but i can't help it. It gets a little worse, too. I woke up this morning with the memory of a bad dream i had last night. It was about John. I dreamt that he called me and all of a sudden he just started asking me why i look so horrible and if i was planning on doing anything about it, because he didn't really want to have to put up with it. LOL it's funny now that i'm writing about it but if you think about it.. it's really not all that funny. I mean, sure i may be self-deprecating at times and i can be overly modest.. but i don't think i have a HUGE self-esteem problem. That dream though? Well, it shows the opposite, doesn't it. Furthermore, it shows just how afraid i am of it all. Lastly, but most importantly, I think i'm stressing over something that should be a source of excitement and happiness. I get to meet one of the greatest people i know and enjoy a change in pace for a New Year. What else could a girl ask for? A friend. That's all i want. I want to walk away from New Years with the same friend i had.. the friendship still in tact, no weirdness, nothing. That's all i want. I'm just so afraid of things happening the way they did before. Maybe that's insulting to him though.. he's definitely nothing like Adam. I just have a hard time trusting myself to trust my instincts. le sigh.
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