cruel intentions
Tues. 02.22.05 - 1:25 a.m.

Feeling: like hiding under my covers and crying until morning
Listening:
Quote:

It's funny how you can find yourself right back in the same situation you were in a year or two or ten ago.

Ethe and i have kept in touch.. and lately.. i thought things were different. I mean, i thought we'd really found a way to be friends and things were going well. He'd been busy with school so we didn't talk much but i felt like we were getting close again.

I really am stupid.

We had a huge fight tonight and all i kept thinking was 'what did i do to deserve this'? When did loving someone hurt so much? It dawned on me that he just simply doesn't care nor does he understand. I don't think he ever will. When i think about dating anyone, when i think about the person i'll end up with.. there is always a comparison to Ethan. This is the person who i feel saved me from so much and affected me in so many ways. I know that our relationship wasn't perfect.. i was hurt through a lot of it.. but there was also so much good that came out of it. I can't even put into words the way i feel about this person.. i can't seem to let go of my love.. not completely anyway. What kills me is that ive invested so much time and love into a person... who just doesn't deserve it.

He said the cruelest thing to me tonight.. a reference to how i haven't been making the best decisions when it comes to 'dating' people lately. It was just such a cheap shot and a cruel one at that. He hurt me so much tonight.. just like he's hurt me a million times before. Only this time, i'm tired of being hurt.

men are assholes.. i've discovered this in the last few months. what gets me is that i've learned to build a wall around me so as to not let them near enough to hurt me. however, i let this person, ethe, close enough to me .. and without fail, every time, i get hurt.

never him, always me.

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