how about a nice cup of bitterness
Thurs. 12.16.04 - 12:33 a.m.

Feeling: depressed
Listening: nothing
Quote:

I'm still not feeling well. Dizzyness, faintness, fogginess.. all day long. My emotions are a little (a lot) all over the place. I've gained weight and i'm always hungry! I think my thyroid is off again. I'm going to the lab tomorrow to have a test done. I know, everyone's immediate response is.. "are you sure you're not pregnant?" No, i'm not. I know i'm not. I'd know if i were. I'm confident it's just my thyroid. God knows i don't want to be.. 1. i'm not ready and 2. i certainly wouldn't want to share something like that with Adam. But i have to admit.. it makes me sad. because it just serves as a reminder of how when the time comes when i AM ready.. due to the situation with my thyroid (and proof of past history) the chances are high that i will have a very hard time at it. Last night while at dinner with friends, i overheard an aquaintance casually mention to a friend of mine, "oh yeah, guess what?! i'm pregnant! with twins!" and for some reason, i sort of felt this pang of jealousy.. i don't know why though. It made me a little upset.. because i felt like she just didn't deserve that. Perhaps i'm the one that doesn't deserve it, though. You see, she decided a few months ago that she wanted to sell her eggs. I guess she did it for the money. She was so nonchalant about it, too.. Which is what made me angry. Or maybe that's just what i tell myself to make me feel better.

Right now, i resent every one and every thing. I hung up on my sister today. I haven't talked to my mom since the day before Thanksgiving. I'm starting to want to avoid everyone. I kind of feel angry at them all, too. For not understanding. I know it's not their fault.. but part of me doesn't care. If they loved me they'd understand and care more, right? I don't even know what i'm saying right now.. i guess this all sounds like crazy rambling to everyone else.

I just feel like there's no one i can talk to.. and the few that i used to feel comfortable with.. i no longer trust myself to be that close to anyone, nor do i trust them enough to let them in again.

I'm starting to realize.. that it's just never going to happen. There's never going to be that person for me. The one who comes along that i can trust myself with completely. I had that once and i was stupid to think that i could trust him that way. No one deserves that much trust.

John was right.. i'm destined to be the person who cares more and isn't loved enough.

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