When you say nothing at all
Thurs. 03.18.04 - 10:24 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

How funny.

So i'm still going through entries to update my links and i came across the week before Y and I broke up. I opened up a new browser window so i could put an entry in this here thingy when i saw that i had a new Note from Ashtraygurl. Part of what she said was "i think that is the best part to keeping a diary is to look back and see how much things change, how much WE change.

It's just SO true. The thing for me too is that i remember exactly what i was feeling/thinking when i wrote those entries. The feelings and emotions i didn't dare speak of because i hadn't yet come to the realization that what i needed was to break up with him. I remember thinking there's something wrong and i feel miserable but i don't know what to do. When in truth, i KNEW what i wanted. I just couldn't come to terms with it yet. I remember my first entry at that time after not having written for about a year was a list. I made a list of "things i wish i could do in another life". See, i knew. I knew i wanted that other life. I knew i was missing out. But i also knew that as soon as i wrote the words..

I'm not happy.

I don't love him anymore.

I need to be alone.

..it meant that it was all over. WHY i held onto something that made me miserable and that i knew deep down i didn't want, is beyond me. I repeated it in the situation with Ethan as well.

While browsing a bookstore the other day, i came across a book that grabbed my attention. I opened it up to some random page somewhere in the middle of the book and the first thing i saw were the words..

"The harder it is to break away from a relationship the more it has to do with unresolved emotions in your childhood."

Interesting.

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