Final Goodbye to Ethan
Sun. 03.14.04 - 9:03 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

I laid in bed last night thinking about everything that had happened yesterday. This is going to be my last entry where Ethan's concerned as i need to completely MOVE ON. I just wanted to get these final thoughts out, so bear with me.

I told myself not so long ago that i wasn't going to be this person. This person that pines for someone who doesn't love her enough to give her what she needs and deserves.

I'm still not going to be that person.

I loved him. I still care about him. But am I in love with him? Probably not.

I'm not mad. I'm not hurt. I'm simply.. [insert okay-like word here].

We both tried. Maybe I tried a little harder than he did, but the most important thing is *I* gave it my all. I gave it my all and it didn't work. It's not uncommon. It's sad, but not uncommon. We're both at different places in our lives. We couldn't offer eachother what the other wanted. It's too bad, but there's nothing wrong with that. I can't be mad at him for it. I also can't be upset with him for repeatedly breaking things off then coming back into my life only to bail on me again. We've always had this bond. One where we i know what he's thinking/feeling because i think in a way, we're cut from the same cloth. I know his STYLE of thinking because i think the same way. He kept coming back because he missed me. My 'companionship.' I kept going back because i missed his 'companionship' as well. I had moments too where i was alone, felt lonely and wished Ethe were around and even though i shouldn't have tried to get in touch with him, i did.. simply because i was lonely and knew he could make me feel how i wanted to feel at the time. Which is probably why he came back this time, too. Like i said though, i can't be upset with him for it. I did it too.

But this time is different. It really is over. Whatever "it" was between us.

I'm not even counting on him reading this simply because we both had talked about blocking eachother emotionally and literally from our lives. We knew that it was the only way to prevent one of us from trying to contact the other in a moment of weakness. I think i had a hard time with doing it because it killed me to think that i'd never hear from him again. Him who made me so happy at one time. But as i laid there in bed last night, i realized something.

This isn't a bad thing, and it isn't personal.. it's just the way it has to be so we can get on with our lives. Maybe one day, a year from now, he'll email me to say hi, see how i'm doing, and i'll reply back to let him know i'm fine, hope he's good as well. And that will be the end of that. We'll have moved on with our lives and we'll be better for it.

I don't doubt that he won't be reading this anymore but i do want to say this anyway simply because i need it for closure purposes.

Ethe, I love you for having been one of my greatest friends at an important point in my life. I wish for you so much happiness.. and a partner who'll let you win at battleship. =) Thank you for making my life 'loud.' Oh, and Happy Pi Day. =)

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