Clean Slate
Sat 03.14.04 - 4:49 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

guess what?

I'M FINE!

I'm SO over it.

I guess that goes to prove that i wasn't as involved as i thought i was.

I was in my room earlier when my roommate M came in to say hi, see what i was up to. I haven't lived here for very long but we've already been able to have quite a few serious talks about life and relationships. Today, he sensed that I was upset over something and refused to let me brush him off when he commented on how i wasn't very convincing with my "i'm doing great". We've talked before about the people in our lives, and we had just had a talk yesterday where i told him that Ethe wanted to come to visit. Today he took one look at me after i replied to his questioning with "men suck" and said "he's not coming, is he?" I told him no, he wasn't. That we're not even talking anymore.

I admitted to him that i thought i had moved on. In fact i KNOW i have because I wouldn't have told John i liked him if i didn't really mean it. Then why allow Ethe to show up and screw with my head?

Because i have a hard time letting go.

And saying No to people.

M said that Ethe does it simply because 1. i let him and 2. because he's bored.

Exactly what the ex told me too.

Why is it that i KNOW these things but i don't ACT ACCORDINGLY?!

blahh.

I told M that i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i've been holding onto this "bond" that Ethe and I had. He was there for me when no one else was. He was there at a time when i needed someone so badly, IN THE WAY that i needed someone. I told him that i had settled a lot in my relationship with my ex and when we broke up and i met Ethe, i was beside myself to discover that he was everything that i had always wanted but had been convinced didn't exist.

What did he say?

Was he what you wanted, or was he what you wanted to SEE?

Funny how John told me the same thing in the very beginning.

When will i learn?

I have no right to complain if i allow Ethe to come back and hurt me every time.

M said that i need to just shut Ethe out of my life. Not allow him to keep coming back and disrupting my life because it only prevents me from moving on entirely.

He told me to not answer any of his attempts of contact. To block him from any buddy lists as well.

I told him i couldn't do it.

So he told me he would do it for me.

and he did.

We spent 30 minutes going through my buddy lists (god i have TONS) blocking all of ethe's sn's. I also deleted all excess notes that i had accumulated from the last time he was around up until this time.

It hurt to watch him do it but now that it's over, i feel just fine.

really. i am SO okay.

I think i'll just go back to being happy and alone, if the universe doesn't mind.

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