For Ethan
Fri. 03.12.04 - 11:06 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

You know what REALLY gets me?

How i can start to think that i have everything in my life sorted out.

Immediately after i've had this thought though, a strong wind will no doubt blow through.. and unsettle everything in its path.

"Want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

Whether or not you believe in a "God," the idea behind that quote is true.

The strange thing is though.. i don't always mind that wind. For one, it gives me an opportunity to organize (i'm SUCH an anal freak sometimes). Secondly, i tend to like "noise." For better or for worse.

This time, i don't know how i feel. What i DO know is, my heart skipped a beat when i saw his name on my buddy list glow red. I know i felt my stomach in knots as i read his latest entry in his "journal". I also know that it took me a LONG TIME to get over my urge to cry every time i thought about Ethe. I know that i miss him, but i don't miss being let down. I know that just last night i told a friend of mine that i've started to develop more-than-friendshippy feelings towards him.

How all this fits together, i don't know.

For as long as i've had this diary, i told myself i'd never FAKE it. I'd never WRITE for anyone but myself. Lately i've had to struggle with that a bit because a few of my 'real life' friends have started to read this thing. It doesn't really bother me for the most part because i just pretend that none of them are really reading. I tell myself that maybe they'll skip that entry for the day for whatever reason.

Today though, today i'm going against that oath and in the hopes that he'll come across this, i'm directing it at one person in particular.

Ethan.

It's funny you should show up today, because i was just thinking about you yesterday. Or maybe that's not so funny as i tend to have thoughts of you just about every day, just this morning in fact. Maybe what's really funny is that we still have that connection. The one where i know what you're going to say before you say it. Even after all the untruths.

But i digress.

I was in a bookstore yesterday.. when i came across a book about PI. I smiled. That was followed by a moment of hurt masked by anger. I put the book down and walked away.

You hurt me. You hurt me when you had NO REASON to hurt me but you did it anyway. Time and time again. Do you know that all i ever did was be honest, loving and forgiving with you? What did i get in return? Hurt. Lies. Manipulation. Don't say you didn't manipulate me. You twisted the truth to get what you wanted at the time. That's manipulation.

There are several things that hurt more than others. The biggest being that i opened up to you. I felt so completely COMFORTABLE with you that i was willing to forgo my shyness and bare my soul to you. and i did. was there ever a moment you were honest with me? was there ever a moment that i knew the 'real' you? was there ever a moment where you were genuine and sincere?

I trusted you and you betrayed that. You knew my fears yet you still went ahead and commited the same acts that people in my past commited, that CAUSED those fears.

When we met, i told you i wasn't ready. I told you i needed time. We needed to go slower. You urged me to go against my fears and just give in to what i wanted. Of course i did it because i wanted to, but i also did it because you said you wouldn't hurt me. You said i had nothing to be afraid of. You told a bold-faced lie. You KNEW you were lying to me at that moment yet you still let me fall for you. You never ONCE came clean unless i dragged it out of you. I had to ASK. You didn't offer information willingly. Oh and the information you DID offer? more lies.

Why, Ethan? Why?

why why why. that's the other thing that hurts. All the whys. All the what ifs. All the unknowns. I've always been a curious person. I HATE not knowing something. It just about kills me that i have NO idea what the hell happened between us. I don't know what was real and what wasn't. I don't know what to believe. I don't know why you wanted me to 'let go' with you but you couldn't do it with me. You couldn't get close to me. Because of that, i missed out on really getting to know you. The real you.

I don't know YOU.

It hurts me a LOT to type these things, because i genuinely cared for you. In a way, i still do.

I told you once a long time ago that i rarely shut people out of my life. In fact, i can't think of a time that i ever have. I still feel the same way.

However, i've also developed a new attitude as well. I have a plan. I have goals. Anyone in my life that gets in the way of those plans, is no longer welcomed in my life.

I gave you a chance the last time we spoke. You broke your word to me. That night, i vowed that was the LAST time i'd let you break your word to me, and i meant it. There's no room in my life for you anymore in the 'romantic' sense. I will no longer hold out hope that you'll have this sudden epiphany. That you'll realize I LOVED YOU. That if you had been honest and not MESSED IT ALL UP it could have been pretty fucking awesome. (sorry had some pent up rage there i suppose)

I will tell you this though. If you find in the future a time when you can be HONEST, TRUSTING, SELFLESS and a MAN OF YOUR WORD, the door is always open for you as my friend.

You were there for me when i needed someone the most. You supported me. You encouraged me. You taught me that no matter what i do, i should 'make it loud.' Something i will NEVER forget. You gave me exactly what i needed and i'll love you forever for that. I can't forget that you hurt me though, so don't ever think you can get the best of me because of those good acts. I'm not stupid. I may appear that way for not shutting you out of my life entirely, but i'd like to think that there has to be a good person behind all this. I really don't see what you could have gotten out of listening to me cry over the breakdown of a 4 year relationship, over and over. I don't see what you had to gain out of continuously reentering my world.

Perhaps you were bored. Perhaps it was amusing.

Perhaps.. i'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Simply because it doesn't hurt me to do so.

I hope you're happy too. I hope you find someone someday worthy of being honest and open with. I'm sorry i couldn't be that person for you. I choose to believe that i saw someone with a lot to offer this world.. if only he would find the courage to be himself. If you ever doubt that, remember that there was someone once who didn't care WHAT shadow you were hiding behind for the week, she thought you were amazing anyway.

P.S. Here's what i wanted to say to you but never quite knew how to put into words.

Funny how it didn't take long for me to find something to say.

previous   next