What I Meant, But Didn't Know How To Say
Tues. 03.02.04 - 1:18 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

These aren't my words, but they could have been. They're exactly what i've been feeling and thinking.. but never quite knew how to say it.

But here they are. My thoughts, in someone else's words.

"i want you in my life and i want to be in yours, but i've been thinking, and i think it'd be best for both of us if we didn't talk until you feel that you're capable of maintaining a friendship with me and therefore anyone, because to interact with you is to set myself up for disappointment, confusion and heartache--so much that any contact we have is tainted by my underlying fear that you'll sting me again and that i, again, will feel like a gullible pushover for not distancing myself enough from these inevitable situations.

when i consider the past (few months), i'm embarrassed by how much of what i value in a close companionship i've sacrificed while waiting for you to change. but you are the way you are and i know i can't do much about that--only you can. what i can do, though, is not let you meander in and out of my life by repeatedly getting close and then pulling away, and not give you the benefits of a relationship, romantic or not, without the responsibilities thereof. i'm just too tired of the disparity between what you say and what you do. last time we talked, friday, you said this: 'i'll catch you soon--if not tonight then tomorrow for sure.' for sure? now it's sunday afternoon and i, for sure, still haven't heard from you. and i'm not even looking for an explanation; i just wanted you to hear mine."

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