That Feeling
Sat. 03.06.04 - 1:03 p.m. Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:
When i think of my future relationships, i think not only of what i want in a person, their personality, their traits, i think of how i want them to treat me. When i say the way he treats me.. i guess i mean the way he looks at me, the way he sees me, the way he loves me.
I know what i'd like, what i want. I've spent so much time thinking about it, but i don't think i've ever been able to put it into words. I never seem to be able to do that when it comes to love. I guess most people don't either, though. However, I came across this paragraph from sp@cemuppet that actually got me to thinking and inspired this entry.
It took two years to get to where we are, even though it has been mere weeks in the most narrow definition. But for us, for the first time ever, every aspect of our lives just� fits. Though she lives hours north of here, she has changed me in ways that I couldn�t begin to describe, finally making me feel like a man, a man that is good enough for anyone, even for her. To me, she is perfection.
So when she looked at me and asked me if I had ever loved anyone, �like this,� it took me thirty seconds of silence as I fell back into the spiral, through time and space, isolated black and white moments of every girl in my life. But when I look at her, it is in full color, and the way her eyes shined, I could say without hesitation, �Baby, I have never loved anyone like this. And as long as we have each other, I don�t need any love but yours.�
yeah, i want to be loved just like that.
Don't get me wrong.. i realize there's more to a relationship than just feelings. If i learned anything from my last relationship, it's that you can't have something only based on love. There needs to be more. So i've learned from that, but i also can't forget that i learned how IMPORTANT it is to not settle. If i had a checklist of my requirements in a person.. that would be in the top three. It's THAT important. To be 'adored' or cherished. I think that's what i felt was missing, or at least part of what was missing.
That was one of my biggest issues with him- the way (i felt) i was treated. I mean, he wasn't a bad guy or anything, it's just that.. i can't say anything else other than we just didn't bring out the best in eachother. Yes, he wasn't a bad person and I'm sure he loved me. i know he did at one time, as i loved him.. but definitely NOT the way i wanted or needed someone to love me back. I realize that wasn't his fault.. i'm sure he loved me and tried to show it as much as he possibly could.. but it just wasn't enough. Throughout the entire relationship, i always felt like something was missing.
I hated myself for feeling that way. I thought there was something wrong with me. At times, i thought he didn't care. Maybe something was wrong with him, too. At one point, I gave up that idea and went back to believing that something WAS wrong with me. Even HE said that it was me.
"There aren't men like that" he said.
For a long time, i believed this.
Then one day, i started to think.
I know, watch out for the woman who thinks and has crazy ideas. Boy though, did i have a crazy idea. I thought.. what if he's wrong? What if there ARE men out there like that? What if i met one of them and he loved me EXACTLY how i've always wanted to be loved. What if he never forgot how much he loved me? What if he enjoyed getting my stupid little notes tucked in places for him to find at random moments? What if he never forgot to hold my hand? What if..
what if.
The more i thought about it, the more I realized something. I just couldn't do it anymore. I told myself I can't live like this. I can't love like this. It hurt too much. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I didn't know who i was. I was so completely lost. It took me a while.. maybe a good whole two weeks to even gather up the courage to TELL him that we needed to split. I remember spending SO many nights up late, talking to Jim. I have to give him credit for that. Because he listened. He really did.. and he never pushed me, or put ideas in my head.. he just let me talk it out. He'd throw my words back at me so i couldn't hide from them. In the end i saw how i had really made the decision, but was struggling to find a way to deal with that decision. With having to tell Y. You know, it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. Of course, once i made it i realized how it was the BEST thing i had ever done for myself. But it took taking that step.. for me to see it.
"The distance is nothing. It is only the first step that is difficult."
I still am in some respects. Lost. Well, i think now.. now i see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a matter of making my way there, to the end of that tunnel. Making that journey. Before, i was fumbling around in the dark.
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