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The Defining Moment Feeling: This is going to be a very raw entry. I actually wrote the latter part (in italics) late Friday night/early Saturday morning. The ex and i had a fight Fri. night after he dropped me off at the apartment in SJ. There were profanities exchanged and by the time i walked away from the car, made it to my front door and dialed john's number, i was in tears. The thing i hate more than how i've been crying all the time lately, is how i keep crying over the same crap and to the same friends. I'm sure at some point they've got to be like "Will you just SHUT UP already?!" ugh. i'm hoping this is the end of all that. But anyhow, so we talked for a while and of course i felt better and even forgot about everything for a while.. until the ex decided he was going to stop by the apartment at midnight to (in his words) see how i was doing. Somehow though, we managed to end up in another fight (i know, go figure). Basically he made a comment then tried to back out of it.. i told him to just say what the hell he wanted to say, get it off his chest. Obviously i can't be angry with him for it because hey, don't ask a question you don't want an answer to, right? He told me how he has no respect for me. How after everything with ethan, he lost even more respect for me for it. He went on to point out all the things that he disliked about me (which coincidentally were all the things that i hate about myself as well). My first instinct was to point out how he was wrong about some of the things he said, and even lash back by pointing out how he wasn't so perfect himself. Halfway through it though, i couldn't do it anymore. It HURT ME to say those things to him. I couldn't even finish my sentence because i was crying at the THOUGHT of the things i was about to say. Basically, i stopped in mid-sentence and told him to get the hell out, that i'd heard enough and i wanted him to leave right at that moment. He left.. but not before getting the last word in about how he hoped after he dropped me off in SF on Sat. afternoon that he'd never hear from me again. He told me not to call or message him.. that he wanted nothing to do with me. At that point (after he closed the door behind him), i just started bawling. I don't know why, really. I wasn't planning on calling him anytime soon, but for some reason I felt so hopeless and empty and completely torn apart. I felt like i just wanted someone to hold me and let me cry on them. I called Bella because i knew she'd know what to say, she would be awake at that hour, and she lives nearby. We ended up talking on the phone for a while. I told her that i felt like crap because deep down i knew that most of the things he said were right. She said, "I don't believe the things he said were true. But if you really feel that way, even if they ARE true, they were true yesterday and are true today.. they don't have to be true tomorrow. You can change that. But i'd rather be those things he said about you than to be a jerk like him. Even if he is right about your faults, what kind of person kicks you when you're down? He knows your weaknesses yet he still uses that knowledge to hurt you? He makes you cry. Crying is like saying 'i'm hurting, you're hurting me.' What kind of man sits there and watches you cry? What kind of PERSON? It's unfortunate that he shared a life with you for 4 years yet only chose to look at the bad things, because there are so many wonderful things about you. Five years from now, you're going to look back on this and think to yourself 'i can't believe i was crying over him at 1 in the morning. He was SO not worth it.'" I told her how i felt about how people have comforted me through this whole thing. There's always this voice in the back of my mind second-guessing what everyone says. I told her I feel like he knows me like maybe no one else does, so what if he's right? What if he's really the nice guy i've hurt and done wrong to and he really is right to think these bad things about me? She replied with, "Well i'm nice and I don't think these things about you." How do you argue with that? After we hung up I decided i needed to make a change. Something needs to change. I had so many thoughts swimming around in my brain.. so i grabbed a pen and some paper and just scribbled away. Here's what i ended up with: 2/28/04 1:20 a.m. I'm trying to find the words to describe how i feel at this moment yet i keep coming up empty-handed. I feel like there's so much i want to say.. but don't know how to say it. Maybe i've just run out of words. There were a lot of things said tonight. Most of them were hurtful and targeted towards me. I'm going to admit somethign that i absolutely HATE to admit but if this puts me one step closer to self-improvement, so be it. The things he said about me tonight, hurt me very deeply- mostly because a lot of it was true. I'm not being self-deprecating or attempting to gain sympathy here. The fact of the matter is, whether i'd like to believe it or not, he DOES know me. Just like the way he knows every inch of my body and I, his, he knows my heart and mind (or at least he used to). My point being? He knows my weaknesses. While my first instinct was to lash out and cry, it didn't take me long to realize that i could continue to be a baby about everything and cry or i could choose to make this a defining moment in my life. I choose the latter. So what do i want to take away from tonight? 1. Just do it. Once and for all, stop procrastinating. If there is any chance that you can make it in SF (or anywhere else for that matter) you have got to start following through with everything. Don't ever stop dreaming, but don't get so carried away with dreaming that you fail to make it happen. Remember, it is YOU that writes your destiny. You have no one else but yourself to blame for your failures. 2. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt said it. How right she was. People treat you the way you treat yourself. Behave like a doormat and they will walk all over you. Command respect and it will be given to you. Know what you're worth. 3. Don't let those who hurt you, see you cry. Never allow them that satisfaction. Don't lash out either. Simply walk away with the contentment and knowledge that you took the high road and didn't allow anyone to get the "best" of you. 4. Speak up. If there's soemthng you want, ask for it. Don't sit quietly on the sidelines hoping someone will read your mind and offer you exactly what you wish for. You have to make your wishes known. 5. Recognize your weaknesses and make a conscious effor to improve yourself. 6. Recognize your strengths. Know that you are a genuine, loving, smart, funny (in a dorky way), strong, passionate person that is full of life. You have so much to offer the world. Believe in yourself. It's nice to have people around you that believe in you, but you MUST have faith in yourself. There's so much power in not limiting yourself. Realize that there isn't anything you CAN'T do if you put your mind to it. 7. Demand the best for yourself. Again, know what you're worth. Never settle for less than what you want or deserve. 8. Be sincerely happy with yourself and content with being alone. 9. Remember that there ARE people out there who love you and think the world of you, as do you of them. No matter how much you feel like it, you're never alone. 10. Always keep your head held high and don't forget to smile. You're going to make this happen.
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