It's Over
Mon. 03.01.04 - 10:59 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

And so you run towards
What you know is wrong
- Fleetwood Mac

So.. i have something to admit.

After I got here Saturday, i got an email from ethan saying that he missed me and whatnot. Later, we ended up chatting a little online.. i know, i know, i KNOW.

argh.

i know.

So somehow i found myself tangled up in our usual mess. We fell back into that comfortable thing we have. The one where he listens to me, knows just what to say to make me feel great. He just KNOWS ME. That's the thing i can never seem to get over. How much he knows me. Not just the way i think or the way i act. But WHY i do the things i do. He'll call me on my fidgety habits. He knows that when i'm shy i play with my hair or when i'm upset i smile WAY too much. He knows all my wishes and the cute nicknames he calls me that i secretly melt over. THESE are the kinds of things that i have a hard time letting go of. I'm sure you're thinkin 'but you can have that with ANY guy.' Really though, that's not true. I mean, even my ex didnt' know me this well and he knew a lot about me- i've known him for 6 years. I dunno, there's just something about ethe. Maybe in time i'll realize that i'm wrong and it CAN happen again.. and even better with a man who knows how to treat me and understands the value of not only a promise but even just his word.

But i'm getting off track. Despite all that though, this time it was a little bit different in that i wasn't completely absorbed in him. i dunno.. i guess i really have changed. I felt myself a little detached from him. I don't tihnk he sensed it.. I was trying to figure it out myself. I know, you're wondering why i would still talk to him. I .. yeah. I mean, i can't deny that i still care but i also know that he will never change. As much as he said he wanted things to be different, it's the same old story with him every time. This time, i knew that going in. I also knew it would end at some point. Just didn't think it would be so soon, i guess.

He asked me if we could start seeing eachother again. I said yes.. but it didn't take long for me to realize things are too different with us. I'M different. I WANT to be different. I made a promise to myself a few nights ago and i'm done with all the bs in my life. I told ethe that i had no room for it. I told him that this was his last chance. Last night he broke his word to me. Trust me when i say, that's the last promise he'll ever break to me because i don't want anymore empty words or promises from him. I REFUSE to let people hurt me anymore.

So i'm going to ignore this stupid heart of mine that wants to just leave him a message. The heart that secretly wishes that some day he'll realize how much he screwed up. How much i could have loved him. How much i have to offer someone. Nope, going to ignore that traitorous heart.

It's all about knowing i'm worth more than broken promises and tears, right?

yeah.

I can only hope i'll feel better about doing "the right thing" in time.

Maybe when i feel sad for it all i should concentrate on the fact that he just proved to me how much of a plaything i was to him. That should get me pissed enough. I mean, he'd talk about how much he was serious about me but when it came to actually SHOWING IT, he fell short. What makes me even MORE angry is the fact that i comforted HIM when he pretended to be upset over hurting me.

I should have SUCKER tattooed to my forehead.

But whatever, it's over. Will and I were sharing "love sucks" stories last night. I told him what ethe did and he asked me how i felt and if I thought it was worth another try. Right then and there, i had to face the truth about how i felt. Somehow i've grown tired of his lies and empty promises. I'm not so sure i'm in love with him anymore.. I didn't tell Will that part, but of what i DID tell him, he only had one thing to say.

"Then let it go, Casey."

It's not any different than what everyone else has been telling me. Somehow though, this time, I GET IT.

I get it.

Looks like that defining moment is helping. Maybe I should thank the ex for that? Perhaps in time. Probably not.

I know now that i just can't afford to waste my time. Especially now. I have way too much going on. There's only room for things that will make me into a better person.. not things that will hold me back. My constant tears over him only serve that purpose. To hold me back. There are so many other things i could be doing with my time. I wanted this time to myself. Yes, i was willing to make an exception for him. And i might consider making one for any other guy that came around who i felt was worth it.. but you know what? If i have to be honest with myself, i really don't want to be with anyone right now. I KNOW that i need to be alone for a while. And if there were a guy that was interested and worthy, he'd wait for me to get my head straight. THAT'S what i'm going to tell myself from now on. Because when i DO finally figure things out and start dating again.. i don't want to waste my time with the wrong kind of guy.

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