Playing Nice
Wed. 02.18.04 - 11:03 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

Might be too soon to tell, but.. i have a bit of a grasp on myself i think. Just a light grasp, mind you.. but still a grasp nonetheless.

Got my blood drawn today. I'm alright. My arm's a little sore and i have a small lump and a bruise, but i think i'll live. =P

So.. last night i was in the car with the ex. I gues i got a little quiet.. so he asked "what are you thinking?" and in true hamako fashion i told him exactly what i was thinking instead of making up a less awkward story. I told him how i was actually thinking that very moment about how i just can't imagine dating anyone for a while. About how if i REALLY think about it, and allow myself to admit it.. the thought of being with anyone SCARES me. Not just being with someone though.. even just TALKING to a guy. I don't know why that is, though. Maybe it's because i've been with the same person for sucha long time, but i don't think so. I mean, i'm excited about the possible adventures in dating. I can't wait to meet new people. But right now.. now.. i just want to be alone. i'm too scared not to.

does that make sense?

Anyhow, after i said that, the ex started saying how he doesn't understand me; how i could say something like that when i met Ethan 10 hours after i broke up with him. I told him that i couldn't explain it either.. that i wasn't looking for anything. In fact i swore to myself that i wasn't going to date anyone.. but ethe just kind of happened. I fell for him fast and hard.. and i couldnt' stop. i tired.. i told him i wasnt' ready, that i needed to go slower.. but then he said things that just made sense and my heart really wanted to just believe it could all be possible. So i allowed myself to fall. I realize that i was vulnerable. And that probably had a lot to do with it all. but the other part.. ugh all i can say is that it was like an addiction. Ethe and i couldnt' get ENOUGH of eachother. I don't know how to explain it.. i'd never felt that way before.

I tried to explain this to the ex, but he just did his "I told you when you met him, that you needed to be careful. I also told you after he lied to you the first time, to just kick him out of your life. To stop answering his attempts at contact.. to just block him online, etc. but you didn't listen to me." So all i could do was my "yeah, i admit you were right.. but i had to find out for myself. and i did learn the hard way, believe me." But he has to realize that 1. me not listening to him shouldn't be taken personally. he would have hated ANY guy i started dating.. not just Ethan. 2. I felt like i needed someone.. and he was there for me when no one else was, in a way that no one else had ever been before, but how i had always wanted them to. That was something, and still IS something that i'm struggling with. To hold out hope that i'd be able to find a guy like that again.. one that could give me everything that i've ever wanted in the way that i want and need it.

Something else he said.. that really hurt, but that i KNOW he's right about.. was during his whole speech about cutting Ethan out of my life. He said "i KNEW after he left, he was gonna come back again. i KNEW it. That's why i told you to ignore him. because i knew when he got bored or whatever.. he'd come back for you again."

That REALLY hurt, to hear that. But i can't argue. Cuz it's true. Never thought i'd be someone's plaything.. but i that's what it looks like to me that i was. It's a little embarassing too, i have to admit.

Nonetheless, it was a nice talk. We didn't end up in a fight over it. Which was amazing. He asked me to tell him everything about my relationship with Ethe, and i did.. we talked for a while. He told me how he was hurt over the whole thing. The one thing i didn't agree with though, was his comment that my relationship with Ethe almost cost my friendship with him (the ex). I told him that it shouldn't have. I'm allowed to date. I didn't flaunt it in his face.. i tried to be as discreet about it as possible. If he decided to get jealous and angry about it, that was his choice. He actually kinda nodded in agreement to that.

Maybe this is a start to a real friendship? Or maybe he's able to be nice to me because he knows i'm gone within a week.

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