Picking up the Pieces
Thurs. 12.11.03 - 10:43 a.m.

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I didn't sleep very well last night.. despite the fact that i took something to make me drowsy. It just helped to calm me down enough to drag myself into bed and nap for maybe two hours.. after that, i remember waking up a lot.. thinking about *him* and everything that's happpened in the past four weeks. I feel so numb this morning.. but i guess that's a better place to be than where i was last night.. i couldn't manage to stop crying. i feel like such a stupid baby. For crying, and for becoming so attached to him to the point where i ignored all of the warning signs.

I fell in love with him.. and although i had plans to forge my own path as a single woman for a while.. i gave them all up for the chance at happiness with him. I told him i didn't want to get my hopes up for fear of getting hurt, but i did. And that's exactly what ended up happening. I don't really have anyone else but myself to blame though.. ugh it's so hard to move on when everything reminds you of that person.. i'll probably never look at another snowflake again without thinking of him.. or listen to Tori Amos' Kiss the Rain.. or even just the word algebra. The part that hurts though, is that i can't help but wonder just how much of it was real. If he really was that smart.. did he like math that much. Is Zorro really his favorite character. Does he even like orange juice at all? What about all those people in his life.. were they made up or did they really exist? Was he even Italian? Did he at least care about me... Maybe it's better that i don't know. the fact that i fell in love with a pretend character.. although pretend, at least i could hold out hope that maybe that's still possible to find in another person. some day. when i'm not hurting as much anymore.. a very long time from now...

Dammit how the hell did i become so attached to him. I know i was vulnerable, but it doesn't excuse my falling so hard for him. He said everything right. Everything that i've ever wanted to hear another person say to me.. he said it. everything. How did he know what to say? I guess some men are just that good. It's times like this when i realize just how naive i still am.. still that little girl from that little village in Hawaii. ugh when will i grow up.

I'm trying to start fresh.. get rid of any trace of him. i managed to delete his photos and stuff.. but now i have to go open that box that got returned. What am i going to do with that journal? it has his name on it.. i worked so hard on that... blahh and his christmas present.. that scarf from the gap that he liked. it was supposed to be a surprise.. guess the surprise was on me.

i loved him so much. it could have been wonderful..

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