Wanting
Sun. 07.25.04 - 7:22 p.m.

Feeling: confused and torn
Listening: nothing
Quote: "Choosing not to act is, in itself, a choice."

I just got home from watching The Notebook.

I know it gets a lotta flak for being a "chick flick" but it really did exceed my expectations. On top of that, i was suprised to find out that it was based on the novel by Nicholas Evans. He wrote another book that i really loved - The Horse Whisperer. I still have the book, actually (the movie sucked and didnt do the book justice).

But this movie.. ugh. i can't even put it into words. Maybe it just hit me so hard because i related to so much of it. I know, anyone who's ever been in love could say that. blah blah blah.

There's just this scene though that struck me and i dont think i'll ever be able to get it out of my head. She goes back to visit her first love (Noah) while she's engaged to another man, whom she also loves. She has a few amazing days with Noah where they rekindle what they once had. But then she finds out that her fiance is looking for her (shut up, i know, it's SO predictable. whatever.) so she tells Noah she has to leave. He asks her what her decision will be. They argue. She tells him she doesn't know. She tells him that no matter what she does, someone will be hurt.

He tells her to forget what everyone else wants. "What do you want?" He just asks her over and over again while she stares at him, fumbling for an answer. She eventually gets into the car and drives off, crying, having never answered his question.

It struck me so hard because i've been asked so many times "what do you want?" I tell myself that it doesn't matter what i want. Sometimes it's not all up to me.

The other day Monkey and I were talking and he said, "Casey, don't ever underestimate just how much you're capable of. Don't underestimate what you can do."

He also said "that's your answer for everything" when i told him "i dunno.." after he had asked me some question about my plans with Boston. I guess that's my problem. I'm scared to decide. I'm afraid. He pointed it out to me once that i seem to be afraid of consequences. Maybe because i always felt like they were so permanent.

"No matter how fast you run or how much you try to hide you cannot NOT choose. Choosing not to act is, in itself, a choice."

I don't want to be the girl that hides from living. I mean, i see all these possibilities and i want them. I think i hid for four years. Afraid to feel and believe and BE. I'm tired of that. I don't want that for myself. I know i could be so much more.

Sometimes it's just hard to stay focused on that.

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